Im So Upset

[phleb]

Its my birthday on sunday, and my 2 kids kept nagging there dad to take them to buy me something, I didn't ask for anything.

He said he will go with them if I come, so I said ok, I can shop in primark and you and the kids can go where they want. He said, "i'm not buying you a present, I don't do birthdays, you will only get a card" I said I didn't ask for anything, and you are being really mean to me. Kids said they wanted to buy me flowers and perfume, but he said hes not paying for them, I had money in my purse to give to the kids (only because I didn't want to dishearten them) not because I wanted a present. To be honest since I have met this guy, all my birthdays have been miserable, he always makes me cry the run up to my birthday, he said " its wrong I am asking him for a present" I didn't ask for it!! So that was the icing on the cake today, and I sobbed, I felt a bit sad anyway as work had left me out of the xmas do, I don't know why I wasn't informed of it, or invited, it really upset me. And so I came to a conclusion that I am just not liked by anyone, I don't know what im doing wrong? hubby said to me "get out of my life" I have done so much for him, and now with a new baby on the way, I don't think I can cope with the grief...so im thinking of moving out, but don't know where to start.

It might be a different day tomorrow, but I feel so alone right now. I just turned back and came home, so no one went shopping for my birthday. He kept saying its your last chance, are you coming or not, I ignored him, he said "im not going anywhere tomorrow"

I have 2 kids and another on the way, and today come to he conclusion that he is never going to change, I cant cope with the mental distress of throwing him out, so I am planning to leave myself now.

[bednobs]

hey phleb, you should do what's right for you as far as i remember this guy has been physical with you in the past too, and pregnancy is often a trigger for domestic abuse, so be careful

[sherrardk]

Oh dear Phleb. Stop and take a deep breath. Right, think this through. You are tired (what working pregnant woman isn't at this time of year), your hormones are on overdrive too. Maybe work didn't think you weren't up to the a Christmas party thing, maybe it's an oversight? With regards to Mr Phleb, think VERY carefully. Why should you go anywhere, where would you and two (with one on the way) children go? Himself has to be reminded every year that it's my birthday coming up, it just slips his mind. Hope you're ok, I do worry about you, x

[Jeza]

Are your two children his children? It doesn't sound like it, but I may be wrong. If you are unhappy then so are the kids. Only you can decide what to do. I feel for you, but I know what I'd do.

[pixie373]

Has he, bednobs? Phleb, you need to look after yourself and your children. I would have asked what your relationship is like apart from the birthday thing, but it sounds like it's not good.
Have you asked at work why you've not been invited? Were you off on the day they asked everyone, maybe? I very much doubt that no-one likes you.
I can't really help, but suggest you have a good think and maybe talk to friends/family who know you both and that you trust.
Good luck xx

[Buenchico]

I'm lousy when it comes to relationships, so I'll leave it to others to offer advice on the 'to leave or not to leaves' or 'how to leave' aspects of your question.

However I'll just offer a few suggestions about your forthcoming birthday:
1. Tell your kids that if they've already bought you a card it's lovely but that what you'd really like is a card (or one card from each of them) that they've made themselves. Provide them with paper and felt tips and let them show their love for you through their art (which, of course, you'll praise like mad!).
2. Tell your kids that you plan to treat yourself for your birthday, by buying something special from Primark, but that you need help in choosing and that you'd REALLY value their opinions. (i.e. make them feel important and valued).
3. Extend that treat by choosing to go to somewhere that the kids love (such as MacDonald's - even you actually hate the place yourself!); the smiles on their faces will be the best birthday presents of all.

PS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

[kat-kin]

I really feel for you phleb. I went thro' hell the last 4 years of my marriage. My ex turned violent towards me as well as going on dating sites,begrudging me birthday and xmas pressies. i put up with it all to try to alter my ex but it didn't and he actually left on my birthday so i divorced him and, tho'it was hard im now getting used to being on my own.my 2 lovely children (both adults disowned their dad due to his lies. Be stong xx

[silliemillie]

I worry about you too, I remember some time ago before you were pregnant you were gearing up to leave him but when you said you were having another little one I assumed you had patched it all up.

Try to be strong, I know it will be hard but you must do whats best for you the children, Neither you or Mr Phleb sound happy as you are.

[phleb]

the kids are his. My youngest adores him. as for work, I don't know and to be honest, I heard one of them inviting someone the other day, and I was in the other room, she knew I was there, just didn't ask me. he hasn't hit me whilst pregnant. If he did, I would have left immediately.

[elliemay1]

How long have you been with him and has it always been like this? What happens when it's his birthday? Please don't assume no one likes you. This sounds like depression. Have you anyone you can talk to e.g best friend/ sister?

[sherrardk]

You shouldn't put up with him hitting when you are not pregnant either, I would be putting ground up glass in his food by now, x

[ummmm]

Phleb...you say he doesn't hit you when you're pregnant like it's normal to hit you otherwise.

[CokeTulip]

Phleb... It will be oversight at work - no way would they exclude you- no way .

Re partner - Sounds like he is in a bad mood and this is more about him Phleb. Dont let his moods get you down. There's nothing wrong with youX

[sherrardk]

I would keep my gob shut for now (do what Buenchico suggests for your birthday this year and have a fab one without him next year) and work out a plan to get him out and get you and the kids safe. Keep safe, x

[murraymints]

Oh dear phleb....I'm so sorry you feel like this ...sounds like you are exhausted and depressed...your kids clearly love you to bits ..don't forget that....speak to your gp ....do you have family or friends you can confide in....it might not be a good idea to instigate change until baby is here....would he go for relate counselling if he realised how close to the edge you are ? Maybe a few days away would help focus his mind if he had to look after kids etc...a friend or family visit for weekend ?

[Mamyalynne]

Well Phleb, there is nothing much practical I can add, Buen's advice re the birthday weekend is spot on.

There is never a good time for things to wrong and you need to take stock and work out what YOU want from the future - it will take strength but you will find it, somehow we always do.

Take care and have the best Birthday you possibly can. ♥

[nungate]

I feel for you Phleb, I really do. This sorry excuse of a man doesn't deserve you or your children. I just can't get my head around him refusing to buy you a gift or keepsake on your birthday! If this happened to me I'd be dumping his stuff in the street and changing the locks, but you aren't me. It's plain your children love you, you should maybe follow Buenchico's advice, and after your birthday take some time to think what's best for you and your children, if in the end you decide that it's time to leave, please consult a solicitor simply to make sure you and your children have what you need. Remember you have friends here on AB who will give you the support you need, as for the Christmas thing, hell mend them! Last place I worked, I took the view that I didn't want to socialise with them, with all their petty bickering and "empire building" I preferred to spend my time with my friends and family.

[phleb]

I have not been one to fuss about my birthday, I just felt I needed a bit of tlc. I didn't ask for a present, or card. My kids just made a fuss, and caused a massive row between us (not the kids fault, they didn't know their father is a nasty person towards mummy) I could tell how guilty they felt, I told them its not their fault, and gave them my craft bag, so they can get creative and make me a card from each of them. Also we are going to the pictures tomorrow or sunday (depends how long they take on the cards lol), and enjoying our little day out. I used to go out with colleagues etc on my birthday, but since I met him I lost touch with everyone, and got down about stuff. I changed my life for him and got nothing in return. I will have this baby, and then think closely about our future, I really don't see one at the moment together. He has isolated himself from his brothers and sisters as well, and relatives, and hates it when mine visit me. I won't go to stay at mums, he will turn up there and cause a scene, and mum is pretty poorly, she collapsed on Tuesday. He has no feelings for anyone, but himself.

thank you buenchico for the advice, I have taken that on board.

Thank you to all of you for your support. I am sat on my kids bedroom floor waiting for him to go to bed so I can go down and sleep on sofa. I cant stand him anymore.

[tonyav]

phleb, get rid of him, I don't think that you will be happy until you do.

[Mamyalynne]

He sounds from what you say a rather bitter man, so hard to be in a loveless relationship.

[sherrardk]

Phleb, make a plan. How are you for money? Contact whoever you need to about keeping yourself and your kids safe. You don't mention any family, is there anyone you can turn to?