girl trouble

[nanunanu]

is this unreasonable?
i am a placid passive guy whereas my girlfriend is very bossy. anyway she prevented me from watching england the other nite because i dont support them. then she went on the internet looking for dog clothes and even tho i have said she cant have anything for xmas as i have just shelled out 200 for a dog (she said at the time she wouldnt want anything for xmas) now she is saying she wants more things, i saw this coming a mile off but how can i stop it.

She has ways of making me feel guilty, she is unemployed and therefore wenever we do anything it is down to me to pay for it.

I She finished with ME last night because i was being unreasonable.

i am scared of going on without her though and i deeply love the girl

[Lisax]

she is using you hun!!!!

get out now.... your still young, dont let her control your life. i have literally ust got out of a relationship and it is hard but you will survive.

i know its not easy to do this but dont go back.

[ineedahobby]

dont be scared of going on without her nanunanu, she sounds like a pretty selfish person to me and if she can dump you that easily over something so petty..then I think you're being taken for a ride.  ps..why does your dog need clothes? 

[nanunanu]

lisa, she has just lost her father and although she is quite controlling, i am passive so dont u need a bit of both in a relationshiip?

i love her to biyts and i do know that she loves me too, but am starting to see selfishness and bad vibes coming out of her

how old r u? have u had many boyfriends?

[Lisax]

i'm almost 21... i've had 2 long term relationships and a few shorter term ones... thought i was in love but when you realise that you dont actually need them you realise its not love.... it takes time and is hard but it does get easier x

[kick3m0n]

nanunanu..having read some of your other posts, it seems you are a complete doormat.  If you lie down and act like a doormat, folk will walk all over you.  This girl has no respect for you at all or she wouldn't treat you the way she does.  Passive my a$$, you just need to grow a spine.  Whether you love her or not is largely irrelevant, she doesn't love you enough to stop taking you for granted and start treating you with respect.  She sounds utterly selfish, spoilt, controllling, childish and rather unpleasant.  You may well love her (and we may well ask why) but it's time you started loving yourself a bit more.  All this "I'm scared of going on with out her" and some of the things you wrote in previous posts are worrying.  if you were a woman and she were the man in the relationship everyone who responded would be telling you to get out. I'd offer you exactly the same advice, but I don't think you'll take it.  Most folk whove responded to your previous posts have all said similar things, yet here we are, another day, another post.  Why ask for advice at all? I think you'd like us all to tell you that it'll get better, she'll become a nice person and treat you with respect soon.  but she won't....this will jst get worse, as this little madam has no reason to change.  She gets away with treating you like cr@p, time after time, cos you lie there and take it "because you love her".  Sorry to sound so harsh, but you really do need a serious wake up call.

[VINNY100_2]

If she wants to buy dogs clothes?tell her to go down the job center and get a job!!!she stopped you watching footy.....its not that she was watching tv was it..she was on the interweb looking for dogs clothes...?unreasonable..does she know the meaning..!!sounds like shes a bit selfish...um..think you should have the strength  to give her a miss for a couple of weeks...what does your family /friends think of her....?dont be used like a doormat...(:)have you told us the whole story nanunanu.dog clothes??

[sweetsal]

While I think that Kick is being a it harsh I do agree with some of what has been said. You should leave this girl she sounds like an out and out cow who is taking total advantage of you. You seem to know this yourself so why cant you confront her about her behavior and get rid???

[jno]

yes, there's give and take in relationships; there's room for the aggressive and the passive in the world. But the ultimate test of a relationship is whether it makes you happier. Does it? You both love her and - by the sound of it - dislike the way she behaves. Only you can know which feeling is stronger.

I've noticed that you've asked before about assertiveness. Asserting yourself may be one answer; that would mean changing yourself, and changing the relationship. My own feeling is that you would be better off finding someone who likes you for what you are, rather than one who sees it as an opportunity to dominate you.

Of course, 'find someone else' is always easier said than done. But you sound unhappy. Would you perhaps be happier alone but knowing you were free?

[woofgang]

I agree with all the above posts but would like to add something else. This girl is learning that her nasty behaviour pays off. I know that you don't mean to but your passive behaviour is "teaching" her that this kind of nastiness pays. If you really do love her then consider the fact that you are not good for her.

[ICEMANSAV]

I agree with Kick, got to be cruel to be kind in this situation. You need to stand up to her nanunanu, believe me the more slack you give, the more rope she'll take.

[loopey]

if you let her get away with it then she will you need to stand up to her and say no, like a child she may have a few tantrums about the new you but in the long run you may get a better relationship and also your doing her no favours,eventually her self esteem and confidence will pay the price as she wont be acheiving anything for herself as shes got you to do it.

[vehelpfulguy]

"She prevented me from watching England the other nite"

Now lets turn this round.

"I LET her prevent me from watching England the other nite".

All relationships need a bit of give and take but if YOU wanted to watch the match and SHE stopped you then that does not sound like a very loving sharing relationship.

I am over 50 now, but when I was 22 and my then girlfriend was 20 our relationship was just like yours. I let her nag me into marrying her, which I did.

Ten years later and after 2 children we had a messy divorce and I paid for it for years.

SHE WILL NOT CHANGE, GET OUT NOW

[Octavius]

Her finishing with you is probably the best thing she could have done for you.

[Chinajan]

Ashok, did you get fed up of trolling Handbag.com? 

[mimififi]

Sometimes, whether we are the mean partner, or the naughty child, or whatever, what we secretly want is for the other person to take control.  I have a girlfriend who is very similar to yours, and her husband is very placid and really truly doesn't want much out of life, and if I had a penny for every time she said to me: "I just wish he'd take control, but he never does, I have to do everything, decide everything, and i'm fed up, I just wish he would take over sometimes." 

Mostly, when people are labelled, it is very difficult to unlabel themself.  You label yourself as Placid, and that is how you see yourself and ask other's to see yourself.  Your gf is seen as bossy and so it is how she sees herself.  Try taking the innitiatve.  Next time say: "No, I'm watching xyz" or "No, I think we'll do this instead."  See what happens.  If she refuses to go with you, go alone.  It is the whole "right, I'm going without you" game I play with my 2 year old in tesco.  She soon follows when I turn my back.

None of us are perfect, and if she is essentially good and you generally have a good relationship, maybe you could both consider counselling?  Also, she does need to work.  She sounds as though she has very poor self esteem which is probably because she doesn't view herself as any good which is made worse by feeling a failure.

[WendyS]

Well, I've been married for almost 40 years and there's no way I'd even TRY to stop my husband watching England play !!  

I suspect that in the longer term you will be better off out of this relationship.  As others have said, any relationship needs "give and take" but she seems to be doing rather a lot of "taking".   Let her go and try to steel yourself to be a little more assertive about your own needs.  There will be plenty of other girls out there whose personalities will suit you better.  Just give yourself some space to reflect.  At 21 you still have all your adult life in front of you and time is on your side.

[tigga]

Been there mate, now roughly 8 years on, i cant believe i put up with it for a year and a half !.

I know exactly how it is thinking you cant go on alone as im probably very similar to you, but as soon as you get out with your friends you will forget, it is hard im not denying that as when you are alone at home you will want to call her, but just be strong and resist - you will say the same to somebody one day just like me to you !.