Old Fashioned Values

[SimonTarling]

My girfriend thinks it is still ok for her to accept that she can stay at home do nothing but shop and clean and the 'man' should look after her - Her father brought her up with this value - how can i change this deep and totally ridiculous way of thinking without causing argument and ... well splitting up !?

[woodpam]

Some relationships work very well with the arrangement that she is aiming for, particularly where there are children to be cared for or the working partner is prepared to pay for someone in the role of PA/housekeeper for an easier life. Maybe her parents are an example of this, but she needs to understand that all relationships are different and that her dad's view probably isn't right about yours. Personally, I'm glad I was never financially or emotionally dependent on another one person, she could be left very vulnerable if something happened to you or your relationship. I don't know where you live, but here in the sunny South it would be a struggle to afford housing on one income only. Perhaps you could convince her by pointing out the economic difficulties the two of you could face if you were relying on one income only. There's always the possibility that she hasn't found a career that she really enjoys and would find it hard to give up - maybe if she was doing something that she felt was valuable and fulfilling she would feel differently and could be encouraged in this direction. Understandably, if her dad left all the cleaning and shopping to her mum, she might be worried that this might happen to her too whilst she has to cope with a job as well. Perhaps she needs convincing that domestic duties will be shared equally if she works outside the home and this may take a little while to achieve. People can change their ideas and I hope it works out for you.

[Lennon]

Liek woodpam says, career is definately a factor in this debate (as well as kids, which I'm assuming you don't have, as you only mention shopping and cleaning), but as you don't mention it, its hard to see what other options are available to your girlfriend - in other words, if she's not working or pursuing something then she has a lot of time on her hands. How about you doing the shopping and cleaning as often as you can, and she can't complain that you're doing it, and then you're freeing up more time for her to do whatever. Also, just wanted to say fair play to you for seeing things the way you do with this problem you have as some blokes would sit back and say 'thats fine with me, love' (I'm not saying ALL blokes, just some, I'm not trying to start a gender debate) :)

[SimonTarling]

Thanks for the advice - luckily i am an easy going chap and the bit about 2 incomes in the south is the only way to survive is TRUE 100% - however there are other fractions to deal with - and a bit too personal to deal with on a message board - but all good advice anyway....

[Lennon]

well good luck to you anyway simon - hope things work out for the best for you and your girlfriend. :)

[Miss Zippy]

Perhaps try 'easing' her into the world of work gently by first encouraging her to do some kind of course that interests her (e.g. child care, beauty therapy, sales/marketing - sorry for the naff and completely sexist suggestions, but my brain is rarely in gear much before Wednesdays, but you get my point). If the course leads to some kind of qualification even better. Your girlfriend will probably thank you one day for encouraging her to be more independent.

[5029]

Offer to split the housework 50-50 so that she doesn't feel that she's doing a days work and then returning to keep house (also a full time job)

[porschebabe]

What does she use for money, your hard earned cash?? Try giving her less housekeeping. Treat her like a child and only pay for work done!! Sorry being a bit hard here. But I have always had to earn my own money and make my own way. I couldn't be at home all the time. If she wants to buy anything, does she have to ask you for the money? I would HATE that. Good luck

[rekstout]

I work full time and my wife stays at home (no kids - yet). She works 10 hours per week in childcare but more for the social interaction than for the money (min wage). We have a single joint account which spends freely from without requiring permission from me. Admittedly, we are fortunate enough that I earn enough for the both of us as we have a large house and grounds to care for so I know she does not sit at home watching Kilroy and reading Womans Own. This situation works fine for us - I see no reason to force her to go out and get a job - she has never had career ambitions and was living at home until we married.

There is no such thing as a completely equitable relationship - just what works and what doesn't. Forcing her to go out and get a job just to make you feel better would just reverse the situation and make her feel how you appear to feel now.

I appreciate that a double-income can be somewhat of a necessity in certain areas of the country so I suggest that you talk to her - giving reason why you need that double-income. Remember that what you consider to be an outmoded concept is the norm for her - neither of you are in the right - it's all opinion. If she agrees that you need her income as well then she will see sense - if you do not need the income then you ought not to force her to work just to make you feel better.

Put yourself in her shoes - if you met and fell in love with a career woman who had a better job and prospects than you - would you resent be told you had to work for no reason?

Besides, housekeeping IS hard work, I had to resort to a hired housekeeper before we married as I was unable to cope with it and work long hours.