Moving in together

[becks]

I'm moving in with my boyfriend next month - what are we likely to argue about? Am not naive enough to think that we shall live in perfect bliss - what did your partner do that drove you crazy when you first moved in together?

[Smurfie]

He might tell you off for being on the phone too long, or using the Internet too often.

He could scold you for speaking to his Mum too often.

When his mates come over the try to take him out for sporting activities, you are likely to go mad.

He may tell you off for putting too many clothes in the washing machine.

You may not like him switiching on the sport channel too often.

You may go mad if one of his former girlfriends tries to stay in touch.

Sorry I got carried away...

 

[zgma]

Hey Becks - I just wanted to say that some of the answers on here are great and very thoughtful, and some are based on some pretty ugly, cliche stereotypes that are nothing but harmful if you subscribe to them.

 

Don't go into it and worry about his watching sports, etc.  Just go in with the attitude that anything can be talked about respectfully, that you each have whole lifetimes worth of habits and preferences, and some of yours may clash with some of his.  As long as you know that you both have the best of intentions, you can talk through any differences you have... and that's the way to think about it: these are things to talk through, rather than letting them drive you crazy without trying to compromise or understand where the other person is coming from.

 

Okay - these are my somewhat drunken late-night relationship-lecture ramblings, but I can tell you from the personal experience of having moved in with, and then married, a man with a completely different cultural and social background from my own, that almost anything can be talked through, and the things that drive you crazy when you first move in with him will fade as you understand each other better.

 

(of course... there are always new things to drive you crazy - but these too can be worked on!  You have to always be working on stuff!)

[terrygarcia]

Hi Becks..

I bet you got more answers than you EVER expected.  It takes more than 3 months to try to adjust to his habits and him to yours.  Try it for a bit longer.  A few tips..money separately, yes open an account together for the house bills where both of you put equal amounts, enough to cover the bills and a bit more, for unexpected rainy days, if you can.  COMMUNICATION!  If something bothers you, talk to him, and if something bothers you, make him feel that he can talk to you about it, too!.  Keep mothers-in-law away!! KIDDING.. If something bothers you about his place now, talk about it before you guys move in.  And, he should do the same, ask him what bothers him about your place.  GOOD LUCK!

[Smurfie]

Zgma, it is only your opinion and not a proven fact that some of the posts are "pretty ugly cliche stereotypes" If someone says,  don't let your partner talk to his mother, or be suspicious when he smiles at a pretty girl, then thats twisted thinking. But not mentioning the fact that sometimes he may be selfish, and you need to talk to him - might I add say it lovingly.

Some people may think that your lengthy ravings are the above, and that what you think are "pretty ugly" are quite legitimate observations, things that lots of couples have experienced.  Nobody is trying to destroy Becks and we are only being honest.

[Smurfie]

and also, I forgot to mention, its better to be frank (not that I'm saying Becks will have these problems, but relating things that I know through experience) than to give her a harangue of airy fairy talk.  

[zgma]

Okay then Bernadette, all of your examples were "You might get annoyed with this..." and "You might get annoyed about that" as if all men watch sports all the time, and all women get annoyed about that.  Why did you phrase it that way?  Do you think that these are male things to get annoyed about and female things to get annoyed about?  Because that's what it sounded like.  All those stereotypes about men and women are part of the reason that people have such trouble understanding each other - they get in the way of looking at each other as individuals.

 

In what way are my "lengthy ravings" ugly stereotypes - can you explain that to me?  How am I "haranguing" becks?  I am answering her question with my own experience, which to my mind seems much more mature than yours.  Airy fairy talk!

[Smurfie]

I phrased those points like that because I sometimes do that i.e. talk in the third person when I am embarassed to say that I'm talking about myself. To answer your second question I dont see any ugly stereotypes in your posts. However your posts dont mention some of the harsh realities.

 I think I once read that you mentioned you have been married for 30 + years whereas I was born 30+  years ago, so you definitely have more experience than me.

However, marriages are not like they used to be in the generations before mine, when love and commitment was everything. Now, for instance money has become a major issue where marriage is concerned, whereas before, the man had the sole responsibility of looking after his family financially. As terrygarcia advises, "money separately" and a joint account for the household bills. Also terrygarcia says tongue in cheek "keep the mother in law away" - I would say keep not just mother in law, but all in laws at a healthy distance. I dont' like to say distance, but the word I'm looking for is, give them space and let them give you space.

You may give thoughtful advice but its good to mention the harsh facts as well.  

[Bangkok]

communicate, no matter how tired either of you are, or how angry, or how upset.  Have fun, and expect difficulties and look forward to making up

[zgma]

Sorry Bernadette, I understand now why you posted that way. 

 

I feel like I did mention harsh details, but that the actual details of what other people fight about don't matter as much as the attitude you go into the situation with, and that is what I mainly spent my posts talking about.  I don't know how useful it would be to Becks to be that specific.

 

I think you're right that in older generations "love and commitment used to be everything" but it's naive to think that they didn't have money issues back then as well.  It's maybe more complicated now because expectations are that both parties will earn money, but there always were issues about how money is spent, who gets control over it and knowledge about the situation, etc.  I didn't talk about it, since Becks is talking about just moving in with her boyfriend and didn't mention anything about combining bank accounts, but that has been a major issue for us - our biggest issue, especially since having a kid.  But I think that goes far beyond talking about moving in together.

 

By the way, I am 30 years old and have lived with my partner for 8 years. 

[Smurfie]

Beg your pardon zgma, I confused you with a couple of other people who had been married for over 30 years. So we've ironed all that out, thanks.

[freyabutland]

don't worry you wil settle down kk...