Editor's Blog10 mins ago
constantly reminded of my inferiority
45 Answers
I love my husband dearly. However, I stopped working 3 years ago in order to stay at home and be a full time mother at the request of my husband; so that he could be the bread winner. It worked well for a while and then I decided that I wanted to get a decent education so that eventually I could earn a good wage for us. Whilst my husband has reluctantly supported some of my endeavours financially (which I am very grateful for), he has never offered any emotional support. To the contrary in fact, he sees my efforts as pointless and in his opinion too late in life (I'm 30). I can ignore this negativity as pursuing an education is something that I love doing. What I am finding increasingly harder to cope with is the way he constantly reminds me that he pays for everything; house, bills, furniture, etc and that I have no money.
I have been called a sponger and a parasite in the not too distant past. I feel terrible and very inferior in the relationship. I loathe the fact that I have no money. My son starts school next September, I'm doing a degree and I would happily get a part-time job but I can't do that until next September.
I would hate to portray myself as ungrateful, as I am definitely not.
I have been called a sponger and a parasite in the not too distant past. I feel terrible and very inferior in the relationship. I loathe the fact that I have no money. My son starts school next September, I'm doing a degree and I would happily get a part-time job but I can't do that until next September.
I would hate to portray myself as ungrateful, as I am definitely not.
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Firstly it is not too late in life. Secondly I'm sure you have told him, that when you get a job you will be able to pay into the family "pot" in return for all he has done for you. Don't let him wear you down. Remind him that it was his idea that you stay at home to look after the children. I could go on, but I won't. Good luck with your degree.
he sounds like a d!ck. tell him straight that if he wants to pay someone for childcare, cleaning, ironing, cooking and sex...it'd cost him a helluva lot more. and remind him that if he continues being a d!ck, you will withdraw services. and...you deserve a little respect. and he should be grovelling, right about know. good luck x
Did he call you a sponger and a parasite? If so, I would be utterly livid and very likely to kick the whole thing in to touch (possibly irrationally). If he agreed with the decision then it's up to him to be supportive which may not necessarily mean he's pleased about it or emotionally supportive but he shouldn't be throwing it back in your face either.
With the current climate it is not unknown for one partner to earn more than the other or even be the only one in work. If you make the joint decision that for the time being this is acceptable then then there is no point in throwing abuse around about it. I would just be glad that my partner is working towards a better future and not slobbing about in their jim jams all day.
With the current climate it is not unknown for one partner to earn more than the other or even be the only one in work. If you make the joint decision that for the time being this is acceptable then then there is no point in throwing abuse around about it. I would just be glad that my partner is working towards a better future and not slobbing about in their jim jams all day.
Sounds like he wants you to be totally dependent and grateful. He got you to quit your job so he could be all manly and 'take care of the little woman', but instead of you becoming subservient you have decided to further your education thus potentially ending up more qualified and in a better job then him. He resents this so undermines your confidence in the hope that you'll give up and stay the way he wants you. Either have it out with him or rise above it - it's his own insecurity that is causing this and that is HIS problem, not yours x
He is probably jealous and is trying to put you down to try to keep you dependant on him.
A good husband/wife supports their partner in their endeavours, they do not put them down all the time.
Years ago, when I was working and my wife was at home bringing up the children, she said one of the worst things was having little money of her own and she had to ask me for the money to buy anything.
Ask him for a monthly allowance (even if you use it to buy normal household goods).
Funny thing is I am now retired and my wife works (her choice) so the roles have reversed some what - I am now the house husband.
A good husband/wife supports their partner in their endeavours, they do not put them down all the time.
Years ago, when I was working and my wife was at home bringing up the children, she said one of the worst things was having little money of her own and she had to ask me for the money to buy anything.
Ask him for a monthly allowance (even if you use it to buy normal household goods).
Funny thing is I am now retired and my wife works (her choice) so the roles have reversed some what - I am now the house husband.
I feel this behaviour by your husband is his underhand way of telling you he is fed up being the main bread winner
it is not right to treat you so, but perhaps he cannot find another way of doing so.
i can trully understand and sympathise with your situation.
but the only way he will stop is if you get employment. ive seen the same thing happen to my parents, and my father began to see mum as a non-entity, as she stayed at home being their for us.
you are doing the most difficult job being there for your child, meeting all your childs needs. men dont seem to see that.
you have done nothing wrong, and by studing you are striving to become better. good for you. dont let him get you down. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
it is not right to treat you so, but perhaps he cannot find another way of doing so.
i can trully understand and sympathise with your situation.
but the only way he will stop is if you get employment. ive seen the same thing happen to my parents, and my father began to see mum as a non-entity, as she stayed at home being their for us.
you are doing the most difficult job being there for your child, meeting all your childs needs. men dont seem to see that.
you have done nothing wrong, and by studing you are striving to become better. good for you. dont let him get you down. xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You say 'reminded of my inferiority' - don't think like that. I bet he couldn't do what you do every day (my husband couldn't do what I do). Will you be better qualified than him when you get your degree? Maybe he is the one who is starting to feel inferior and is using money as a way of getting at you. My husband didn't start his four-year degree until he was 28 so 30 is nothing. Tell your husband to grow up and get a grip.
Your husband wants to control you. By him being the breadwinner and you staying at home, he has all the power over you. If you go out and get a degree/job he is worried that he may lose you, or the 'you' that he wants. At 30 you are still very young; the world is your oyster and there is still much that you can achieve and do. He is calling you a sponger / parasite- not because he thinks you are, but because it is the only way he can make you feel guilty for asserting your independence. He is hitting you where it hurts. He is basically very old-fashioned. BUT his behaviour is not acceptable. It is your life and you are entitled to be fulfilled in other ways than by being in a relationship with him. I think you need to be stronger than you are being. You are being submissive as he DOES have power over you as the breadwinner. I think you need to tell him that you have always wanted a degree, and it is important to you that you have skills other than being a housewife. It is no longer the 50s- women can do both. He needs to know that you can see through his name-calling, and that it is not about being a sponger, but that he is worried about losing control of you. Just tell him what you've said here, that you love him dearly and having an education and job is not going to alter that. What will alter that though, is if he starts creating a rift between you, because of his own insecurity.
He's a very controlling man!.......wait until you have your degree, and then spell it out to him!...........you will be able to earn more than him, and maybe wont need him!......that's what he's scared of!.......he likes the fact that you're dependant on him!.............if he employed a housekeeper/childcarer, it would cost him much more than now!..........tell him so!.........
I agree with VHG and karen, I've been here, it's about his insecurity. My ex was like this - we both worked, we both paid in - but he was always telling me that I wasn't up to much (although I knew I was). Once my career took off, he couldn't handle it any more, and nor could I - after a while we went our separate ways.
Your husband sounds worried, IMO, that you will be better than him and wants to keep you in your place. I would hate being reminded that I had no resources, that is just verbal bullying. Stand up to him - remind him whose idea it was that you stay at home.
And good luck with your studies, that's for you and your child. If it helps, 30 is no way too old to be studying (what a cheek!) - I was awarded my Masters degree when I was 53, so you have plenty of time yet!
Your husband sounds worried, IMO, that you will be better than him and wants to keep you in your place. I would hate being reminded that I had no resources, that is just verbal bullying. Stand up to him - remind him whose idea it was that you stay at home.
And good luck with your studies, that's for you and your child. If it helps, 30 is no way too old to be studying (what a cheek!) - I was awarded my Masters degree when I was 53, so you have plenty of time yet!
Hi Mountainboo,
Being married I just couldn't treat my wife like that. Some of the older member Abers know our domestic situation but if my wife wants to do something then I will alwasy help her do that - as she does me. You get married to go through life together Mountainboo and you marry the person who you are sure will be your best friend and help you in the same way as you would help them.
It's disappointing to hear of the way your husband belittles you and makes you feel inferior. My first wife did exactly that many years ago and I still remember the humiliation and inability to answer back. It's true that all children need their mother at home but it also seems your husband expects you to be a domestic servant. If you can study while your son is at school and it's not going to disrupt his education and life then your husband should have no problem with that. My only query would be whether your study is going to disrupt your son's upbringing. Perhaps that's what your husband is worried about. It's the responsibility of any parent to put their child before themselves which doesn't happen much today. Many parensts today seem to put themselves first and expect their children can fit in around them. If that's the case then perhaps your husband has a point. We don't know the exact situation here, only you know that and we can only go on what you've told us. However, if you can fit your study around your family then your husband should understand.
If you are keeping house that is a full-time job in itself - not to mention being at home for your son. Your husband most certainly shouldn't be the control freak he seems from your post. As I said, if your husband does have valid reasons for complaining about the situation then you should both sit and address those. After all, your son comes first - not either of you two whether you want to pursue a degree or not. Your son didn't ask to be born and he needs a mother at home. However, if your son's stability and upbringing won't be affected then your husband should support you with what you want to do - but only after considering your son!
Good luck.
Being married I just couldn't treat my wife like that. Some of the older member Abers know our domestic situation but if my wife wants to do something then I will alwasy help her do that - as she does me. You get married to go through life together Mountainboo and you marry the person who you are sure will be your best friend and help you in the same way as you would help them.
It's disappointing to hear of the way your husband belittles you and makes you feel inferior. My first wife did exactly that many years ago and I still remember the humiliation and inability to answer back. It's true that all children need their mother at home but it also seems your husband expects you to be a domestic servant. If you can study while your son is at school and it's not going to disrupt his education and life then your husband should have no problem with that. My only query would be whether your study is going to disrupt your son's upbringing. Perhaps that's what your husband is worried about. It's the responsibility of any parent to put their child before themselves which doesn't happen much today. Many parensts today seem to put themselves first and expect their children can fit in around them. If that's the case then perhaps your husband has a point. We don't know the exact situation here, only you know that and we can only go on what you've told us. However, if you can fit your study around your family then your husband should understand.
If you are keeping house that is a full-time job in itself - not to mention being at home for your son. Your husband most certainly shouldn't be the control freak he seems from your post. As I said, if your husband does have valid reasons for complaining about the situation then you should both sit and address those. After all, your son comes first - not either of you two whether you want to pursue a degree or not. Your son didn't ask to be born and he needs a mother at home. However, if your son's stability and upbringing won't be affected then your husband should support you with what you want to do - but only after considering your son!
Good luck.
don't let him drag you down mountainboo!......you are doing a full time job already taking care of the home and child!.....let him pay for those services while you complete your degree, and then get yourself a good job!........then the ball will be in your court!...............Sure he'll hate that!........he just wants to control you!.......don't allow him to do this!...............
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