A poem to a girl, comment and rate please

[funnyjake2011]

Personal Letters:

To Aurora
Dear Aurora, you've been a good friend to me, I wish more than a friend, but that's okay. You've taught me much, but I want to teach you something, too Never give up, and keep your hopes high! You will survive. Trust yourself. You've been everything to me, a friend, a crush, but especially a friend, if you die soon, because of your illness, I hope that you go somewhere good, because I cannot see you going to hell, everything reminds me of you, I miss you Aurora, I wish you could come to my school, I would love that, you remind me to be happy and cheery. I love you Aurora, I'll miss you, now, and forever. You've been everything to me, I know I said this before, but, before you changed and even after, you've been like a friend to me. Aurora, even though we might never ever talk again, I just want you to understand, you'll be in my heart forever and ever. No girl can never replace you, nor any of my ex girlfrend's did, you're irreplaceable.

[China Doll]

It doesn't seem very poetic to me. It also doesn't read very well, have you translated it from another language to english?

I'm also not entirely sure that I would appreciate it if I was Aurora actually. Some of the sentiments regarding her illness and her not speaking seem rather 'off' for want of a better word.

[rowanwitch]

Not good..either as a poem or even a coherent string of sentiments sorry you probably mean well

[THEMOTLEY1]

Good intentions I'm sure,
It doesn't work as a poem, it doesn't flow,
It doesn't 'read' easily.

[grasscarp]

Sorry funnyjake, this is not a poem. If Aurora is ill and possibly about to die she will not appreciate you saying this or mentioning hell. rating 1 out of 10.

[Sqad]

I bet it was written by a woman............I hardly think an ex boyfriend would write that sort of "soapy drivel"

[Bbbananas]

Hello sqad. x
I think you'er right - it must have been a female who wrote it?!

[Sqad]

Hi!salla......how are you?....I think of you a lot......!!

[Baldric]

Comment; Ugghhh!
Rate; 1/10 for the effort involved in typing it.

[Bbbananas]

I hope you're not referring to sqadlet and I baldric? Our words are always well thought out...

Sqad, I think of you too my lovely x

[Seadragon]

Sorry funnyjake you sound like a stalker to me, the poems creepy, I agree your intentions might be good....but there is some scary stuff in there.
Sorry.

[Canary42]

True feeling creeps through in one or two places, but there's a lot of ill-conceived (and somewhat tasteless) padding around it which smothers it (e.g. the reference "if you die" after "never give up"; and the reference to ex-girlfriends - ugh.)

[NOX]

Okay Jake, firstly it's prose not poetry. There are, as others have said, some issues with content which I think might be better omitted- that being mention of illness and not going to hell. Get rid of that completely and start to think more laterally about how you could express what you feel, as at the moment it doesn't flow particularly well and needs to scan much better in order that people can appreciate the sentiment. It needs to read less like a list and more like you feel in your heart. Try again and hone it until it reads the way you feel and not like an explanation. Lots of work takes many revisions so don't be put off.

[boxtops]

If this is the girl who you mention in your other thread, that you're trying to forget - whatever you do, don't send this (or if you must, take out the line about your ex-girlfriends).