Whats The Best Way To Deal With Passive Aggressive Behaviour?

[Retrochic]

After its been pointed out by one of my adult daughters that my OH (not her dad) is seriously passive aggressive, I've been researching on the net what it is and reasons etc. When I started to read examples it was as if someone had described him down to a T but what I can't get straight is HOW to deal with the behaviour. Do you ignore the wind-ups, 'forgetfulness' , deliberate procrastination and all the other signs, or do you point out when they are being PA, let them know 'you know' what they are doing? We've been together a long time and I worked out a while back what he was doing and why, but didn't know it had a name. He used to wind me up to the point I would explode with frustration , then the problem would be me (crazy woman) not him, and everything negative that has ever happened to him has never been because of his bad choices but because of other people or situations. Now I don't take the bait and rarely raise my voice yet if we have a disagreement he will say 'stop going off on one' even if I keep my voice low and calm on purpose.Don't get me wrong, I don't want to leave him just cope with him in the best way. I mentioned last night what I'd read and said it sounded like him -he just got up ,said something sarcastic like 'well that's a lot of complicated long words for you isn't it? -and went to bed. I suppose if I kept my mouth shut,never asked him to do anything in the house or organize anything, he'd be quite happy, is that the solution?

[grasscarp]

Looking on the internet I found this which I hope may help
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201206/3-strategies-responding-passive-aggressive-behavior-in-your-m

[boxtops]

I had to look it up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior

I've never thought of this sort of behaviour as being a condition before - interesting.

[Retrochic]

thanks grasscarp, thats just what I was looking for. I seriously think I may try and get some professional help for me to cope. Its either that or divorce its getting worse as he gets older and the fun bits that made it worth while are few and far between now-a-days.

[woofgang]

here's another good one
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/living-with-a-passive-aggressive-man-11605623.html

Me? I'd dump him.

[grasscarp]

Best of luck retrochic. I hope things improve for you.

[Retrochic]

boxtops, I know what you mean, I just thought he was a grumpy old fart. he did and said something in front of my daughter who was staying for the weekend and it was her that mentioned Passive Aggressive Behaviour. The thing that got me when I was reading about it was the profile of women who go for this type of character and unfortunately I fit the profile very well .

[boxtops]

This is a good article http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm The hints and tips sound practical

[ludwig]

He sounds like miserable old bully. I'd dump him.

[pastafreak]

Retrochick has said she doesn't want to leave him...just needs to learn how to cope. You don't just 'dump' someone you've been with for a long time...unless the situation cannot be mended.

[pastafreak]

*Retrochic*...

[whirlyhurly]

Sounds like mental bullying, life's too short to put up with someone like this.

[Canary42]

Why on earth do you want to stay with him - he obviously hasn't got an ounce of respect for you (let alone love).

[jennyjoan]

Don't think anybody could suddenly up sticks and go - just like that. So many things to be considered like everything. House, money, new house, being alone and so it goes on and on. I thought marriage was for life in sickness and health. The man could be sick. JjCon

[ludwig]

// You don't just 'dump' someone you've been with for a long time...unless the situation cannot be mended. //

I don't think anyone should have to 'learn how to cope' with abusive behaviour - either physical or psychological. If it's possible - and I realise it's not always simple, financially or whatever - the best thing is to remove yourself from the situation.
It's his behaviour that needs to change, not hers.

[Retrochic]

whirlyhurly & canary, I wish it was that simple but life isn't black and white. I'm looking for coping strategies (another phrase I learned this weekend lol!) as a last effort to sort things out. I've given myself a time frame and if things don't START to change then I may think about cutting loose but its hard after over 20 years marriage and over 20 years of being told its 'You' that has the problem and he's the best thing that's ever happened to you, to take that big step.

[Retrochic]

just thought I'd bump this up in case anyone had any personla experience of dealing with this sort of behaviour. Reading back my posts it sounds like I'm a right doormat but it couldn't be further from the truth. I'm quite assertive with people and a straight talker, and if you met my OH you would think he was a quiet but charming man. What goes on behind closed doors eh?

[Peter Pedant]

.
I cant stand passive-aggressive behaviour so much, I just have to walk away from it....

good luck

[ummmm]

Why do some people so easily say 'dump him'? Like life is that simple!! He may be passive aggressive at times, he may also be perfect at other times. Everyone has faults.

Personally I wouldn't cope with it....I'd be the same. Meet his behaviour with sarcasm.

[kvalidir]

If people are being passive aggressive around me I tell them. Every time they do something. I also tell them I'm making allowances for them because of it and what the framework is. It irritates the hell out of them and leaves no uncertainty that you know what they are up to. I really can't stand it.