Moving the kids away from the area and their father.

[VikkiJRyan]

I have been separated from the father of my children (aged 10 and 8) for 18 months. I' ve been seeing a lovely new man for about 4 months and already I know that this is a very serious relationship.

We have spent time with each others children and as a family and now he has asked me to move in with him. I'm very keen to make the move, as my life will be infinitely better than it is now.

My concern is that the new home will be 80 miles away, and that the children will not only be far away from their daddy, who they see practically every day right now, but that they will also have the trauma of starting at new schools in addition to the move of location.

I have never made access to the children difficult, I have let my ex call all the shots on when he wants to spend time with them, often putting myself out to ensure he gets his way. I get no maintenance from him despite him earning 3 times what I do, and I work hard to keep the children and me in a nice home.

I feel guilty at the thought of making the move and wonder how best to put it to him that it is something that IS going to happen. I won't have to work any more, and can take the children to see him as often as he likes still (within reason considering a 4 hour round trip each time). I'm also faced with having to tell my children that this is something I really want to do even though I know they probably don't like the idea.

My head is all over the place with the enormity of what I'm doing to 3 lives in order to give myself the chance of happiness that I believe I really deserve after 4 very tough years.

Any advice from someone who has been through the same would be most gratefully received.

[ummmm]

If you want honesty.....

He lives 80 miles away so I presume you don't see him on a daily basis? If not....4 months is far too soon.

[tamborine]

if you're happy the kids are happy. 80miles isn't far for your ex to travel to see his kids; at his expense (time he put his hand in his purse).

New biginnings in new sites is quite normal for children who's fathers are in the services, children soon settle & make new friends.

Follow your heart as the past has done you few favours; good luck !

[ummmm]

As the past has done her few favours....

Where did you get that from Tamborine?

[Androcles]

Where is the mother of his children - does he have custody or is he in the same boat as your ex?

[tamborine]

read her Q....ummm ".....I believe I really deserve after 4 very tough years...."

[ummmm]

Still think it's too soon. I was 'seeing' my partner for 6 months before I even told my kids let alone move in. And he was my friend from school and the kids already knew him...

[ummmm]

We all have tough years....doesn't mean she's had a raw deal.

[VikkiJRyan]

He has custody of his children Androcles.

If 4 months is too soon, then how long do I wait until it's right? Can a time frame be imposed on these things?

[cazzz1975]

I think 4 months is a bit too soon, especially when it comes to uprooting your children from everything they know and all their family.

[ummmm]

How often do you see him Vikki?

[tamborine]

wot is it with you ummm...you said 'raw deal' I said 'few favours'. Get to Spec-savers ;)

[VikkiJRyan]

I see him at least 3 times a week.

[ummmm]

So approx 40 times?

You can't possibly know this person.

[pericat]

4 months is quite a short time. Also why is you ex not supporting his children - I would think about sorting all that out before taking this big step

[VikkiJRyan]

when we've discussed this, the time frame we arrived at is after Christmas. Lots of weekends with all the children together, a week or two in the summer hols and half terms so that they can get used to each other. and to the adults too.

[ummmm]

That's over 8 months away so a different story. You might not feel the same in 8 months.

[VikkiJRyan]

I disagree that I 'can't know him', we speak several times a day, text and email all through the day too. I know more about him in this time than I still know now about my ex after 23 years.

[cazzz1975]

Hold on, so you discussed this before Xmas? Had you just got together then or am I Reading this wrongly?

[DEN53]

Vickki - you say you won't have to work anymore if you move in with your new chap and he has custody of his own children - so I am guessing you will be a full time stay at home Mum to not only your children but also his.

[VikkiJRyan]

Why is my ex not supporting his children? Very good question... because he says he cannot afford it! I have asked repeatedly for his help but am met with blunt refusal. i know i have the option of the CSA but am very reluctant to take that route and cause any antagonism.