My dad is dying

[momcj]

I dont very often write a question on here, but im struggling. May dad has terminal cancer, at xmas time he went into a hospice, he has now came out beginning of feb- he is now at home with my mom. it is so hard, ive never had to really deal with death of someone close. My dad was always such a strong,fit person and now he can barely talk, lift a glass. it is so hard seeing him so weak and in pain. I know that nobody will have answers to make it all better-there are none. I go along day to day sometimes, pushing the deep stuff to the back of my mind, when it comes to going to bed, it hits me and i cry and cry-i just dont know how im supposed to deal with this- i dont want to go to the doctors and get pills as i am scared of getting addicted. How do you function day to day with all this going on, im also worrying about my mom, having to deal with it to ?

[ravenmiss]

Oh darling, I went through this as well in 2008. What you need to do is talk when you feel the need to, if you feel that it may be better to talk to someone outside of the situation have a chat with your GP and they should be able to get you some counselling. I don't know what else to say other than it's normal to feel the way you are, it's not nice and you feel hopeless at times but know that it's part of the process and talking about it can help you.

[ll_billym]

The way to function is to know that death is part of life, nobody lives forever. Pills will take the edge off it but you will feel way better for not taking pills.

All you can do is to do the best that you can given the circumstances, be as strong as you can, people will love you for it - you can be the strong person in the situation and guide others, they need you.

[chi-chi66]

I agree with raven, I havent been through this, but you need to talk, talk, talk,
You can go to the doctors and talk to him/her you dont have to have tablets...
you can be referred to a councellor.
My heart goes out to you, try and stay strong for you're mum, as she will need you're support.

[Buenchico]

I normally stick to questions on 'travel', 'technology' and so on on here, 'cos I'm rubbish when it comes to human relationships but, for what it's worth, here's something from my own experience:

When my mum was dying (in the hospice ward of a hospital) I'd always try to be 'bright and breezy' when I visited her. For example, when I found that she was lying on a special bed, powered by air pumps, to help relieve her intense pain, I didn't commiserate with her. Instead I cracked jokes about her 'bouncy castle'. When I was about to leave the lady in the next bed (whom I'd never met before) asked if she could have a word with me. She said that my presence was "like a breath of fresh air" in the ward. She went on to say how much she hated seeing all of the doleful relatives visiting their loved ones, and that what the people in the ward really wanted at the end of their lives was a bit of cheerfulness about the place.

So, perhaps, (however hard it may be), you should seek to inject a bit of levity into the lives of your parents, rather than 'going all serious' on them?

OK, take it or leave it, that's my tiny contribution on the 'relationships' side of things (which I've already admitted that I'm rubbish at). On a more practical note, I've also found these herbal stress-relief tablets to be useful at various times in my life:
http://www.hollandand...odid=505&cid=38&sid=0

Chris

[Mamyalynne]

Hello momcj. I am Mum of Ravemiss and when my husband was diagnosed terminal, we all rallied best we could as a family - there are many agencies out there for help and advice. The golden rule is to take each hour as it comes and try as hard as possible to be good to yourself too.
The inevitable will happen and somehow you will cope, but know that we are always here to talk too.

Mamya ♥

[Clanad]

Here in the U.S., there's a saying in the southern States... "A man isn't a man until his father dies"... I found that to be especially poignant and true. Right now, as much as you're hurting and as much as you're confused, it's even more so for your Dad. Both he and your Mom are going to need you to step in and step up to fill a need that no one else can.
I take it that your are the daughter and you don't say anything about siblings, but, for those of us that have already lost parent(s) I can say that their need overshadowed my own feelings and their reliance on me (I was an only son) some how vindicated and firmed their belief that they had raised me right (whether they actually did is my kids judgement to make) and that in times like this they could rely on me to take as much of the burden as possible.
You're time to let down and let it out will come later.. right now they really... really need you to take the lead...
You'll always be your Dad's little girl and holding his hand and just being there and assuring him you will help your Mom will give him as much relief as any medicine possibly could.

Best of wishes...

[ravenmiss]

Agree with my mum, I am here if you want to talk x

[ummmm]

My Dad died in Feb2008 of cancer. It's horrendously devastating to watch. All I can suggest is cry...cry whenever you feel like. Don't even bother to hold back the tears. We cry for a reason when we're sad, and I think too many people suppress that and it risks turning into something more.

People won't judge you if you cry. It's not weakness.

I am very very very sorry for what you and your family are going through :-( xx

[chi-chi66]

Buenchico.......when I was ill in hospital a few years ago with the old kidneys, and quite close to demise.....expecting hubby to be all morose..he said 'Well if you had died on the same day as Princess Margaret we would have remembered that!' I was mortified....but everyone on the ward said they looked forward to him coming, he cheered them up!!!!!!

[ummmm]

Mamy and ravenmiss :-( xx

[Mamyalynne]

Ummmm ((HUG))

[ravenmiss]

Big hus to all who have lost. I agree with umm, cry and cry, it's something I tried hard for a long long time not to do before and after, in fact at times I almost literally couldn't but once I did it was a release. x

[Mamyalynne]

Please excuse me Methyl , whilst your practical advice is useful , I feel this is a cry from the heart.

[ravenmiss]

Agreed, practical advice is great....when it's asked for.

[momcj]

Thank you for all your answers. To be honest Buenchico- when i am round my dad I am like you said, it may sound weird but i am not deep and try to 'joke' and 'laugh' about things- however silly. I do have siblings that are also helpful and one particular that i can talk to, but even so its hard, to the outside my family, i believe i come across as strong and helpful, its when im alone that i struggle, which is when i suppose it hits me, the rest of the time i suppose i block it to a degree. I also dont want to worry and burden
the rest of my family about how i feel, when we are all going through it. I accept the unevitable, i suppose i just hate to see him how i know he would hate to be (if you know what i mean) the aftermath, im not really thinking about yet-just trying to deal with the now- but god its hard

[ravenmiss]

It is hard but try and talk to your family, in a way it won't be a burden on them to know how you feel but a chance to know that you can talk and also that you are feeling in all or some way the way they are as well. It won't be a burden I promise xx

[Mamyalynne]

momcj , hard is not the word, you have my whole hearted sympathy for what you are going through,each of us handle it the best way we can, no rule book exists. Sending you the strength you need and an extra ((HUG))

[chi-chi66]

When you are alone, that IS the time to cry and cry, but again all good advice being given here, we are not going through it...you are.

Love and hugs xxxx

[owdhamer]

you have all my sympathy