Boyfriend Gone Mad!!

[Furner]

Hello everyone, I have been putting a few questions to you all about the problems that I have been having with my boyfriend and have had some great answers so thanks for that! The latest on the situation with him is this..After coming home one day and telling me he didnt want to be with me anymore he has been acting very strange and agressive towards me I originally thought that he was involved with someone else however Im now not sure that this is the case! he seems to be in self distruct mode, we did have one evening where he actually spoke to me and admitted that he had financial problems that he was no longer able to cope with and that he felt that he needed a clean break from everything in his life, however before this happened our relationship was really good and he was a fantastic boyfriend, he has turned very cold towards me and everything associated with our lives together but this disassociation from his life only seems to extend as far as me and our life together and not to his friends, family or job.I have suggested that we sell our property and stay together and work through things and told him that I want to support him but this has made no difference. His entire personality has changed and it is so out of character for him. Sometimes he is OK with me and sometimes he acts as though he hates me. I am so confused about what is going on inside his head and would really appreciate other opinions on this rather dumb founded situation!

[spammylou]

1)Why has he got financial problems?

2)

[spammylou]

oh my god I don't know what happened there!!!!  Ghost in the machine. How mad is that!

What I wanted to ask was, Why has he got financial problems? Is this kept totally separate from your finances? I really hate to say this to you but are you sure he is not having an affair or doing drugs? If he has financial problems it could be from a serious problem, like drugs or gambling or something like this.  for your sanity if he can't answer you or tell you it could affect you in the long run, especially if you own a house together. x   

[dirtyharriet]

Hi Furner
This sounds like a very confusing and traumatic time for you. You say that before all this happened he was a fantastic boyfriend and everything was really good betwen you. To be honest, people don't usually change personality overnight, so if you think back there must have been some warning signs, however subtle.
You say he is acting aggressively towards you, can you say anymore about that? Do you mean he has threatened you, hit you, or is just verbally abusive? Whichever one it is, it is still abuse whether physical, mental or emotional.

It seems to me that he is giving you some very clear signals that he wants out of the relationship. I'm sorry to be blunt. It also is equally clear that you seem to have difficulty in accepting that. I understand that it must be devastating to face the fact that your relationship is over, especially when you thought everything was fine, but it sounds as though he is being honest with you.

[angel1978]

Sometimes it's just that the people that we hurt are those who are the closest to us, who know us the best.  I've been there, awful to say, it was so much easier to pretend all was OK and it was kind of escapism to be around people at work and such.

Pride can make it very difficult to admit things and sometimes the time you need to talk the most is the time you can't say anything at all.

I remember after a very traumatic event my boyfriend at the time kept trying to get me to talk but I couldn't not because I didn't love him or need him, I did and more than ever, it was just too painful to talk.

When I was upset all I wanted was for him to just come and wrap his arms around me and hold me and just make me feel like everything was OK, toknow that whatever he still loved me and was there for me. I was so low and feeling so self destructive I never said that to him and just blamed him for not realising what I wanted him to do which was stupid as he's not psychic.

Maybe he feels like a failure and desparate, like he needs to escape. Maybe that's why he's taking it out on you as you're the one holding him back (though that could only be because he loves/needs you too much to leave you).
Don't know the full details and if he's getting physically violent or such or his problems come from drugs/gambling/money/crime that puts a different slant on things, you need to take care of yourself.  I could also be completely wrong.

People are stupidly complicated, maybe rather than trying to understand him just concentrate on being there for him?

Give it a try and if it doesn't work then be brave and move on, at least no-one can say you didn't give things a go. You know what they say, if you love something, let it go and if it's right it'll come back to you.

Good luck, take care and I really hope everything works out for you

 x

[mattvanduck]

i have done exactly the same to my girlfriend, it was drugs that caused the problem and i owed a lot of money...too much....all is sorted now, the first and the hardest step was telling her which i failed misrably at as she found out... the second is trying to sort it, now my girlfriend is good with money, i''m not. i hated her for it because i wanted to sort the problem myself and i was too proud/stupid!!( they mean the same really!!) to accept any help. i was also only nasty with her because i did not want family or friends finding out or work collegues for that matter!!! like i say its all in the past now and if i had grab the hand that tried to help me the nightmare would have been over sooner!!

i am not saying the problem is drugs but thats my story for you to digest and if possible make sense of.  

i hope it all sorts its self out for you, if its nothing as serious as drugs or seeing someone else i would seriously ask him what the flook he is playing at!!

good luck 

[Clare A]

Furner, I think people have posted some very wise words to you on here, but I have one or two things I'd like to ask besides.

A time-scale. I take it you live together (...'he comes home and...'), so have been together some while. How long is it since his odd behaviour began?

His admission to you of the financial problems means that now you are of course 'in the know', no doubt very much more than are others. He's placed himself in a scary position! It might be that he finds it hard to admit that he's vulnerable about anything. Part of the withdrawing from you may be about that - you simply know more than anyone else does. In his eyes that might make you seem powerful. So perhaps in his head there's an 'Oh my God, what have I done?' thing going on, and he doesn't hate you, but hates what he's disclosed to you.

Appearances have to be kept up to certain family & friends, so it's easy then, when they act as though nothing's wrong, for your boyfriend to convince himself of that too, hence his relaxed manner with them. I don't know how easy this would be to put to him, but I'm thinking debt counselling would not be a bad idea. These counsellors don't wag fingers and say 'Naughty, naughty, naughty' - they find practical ways out of the problem, and work with the person. They're very confidential, and no-one need ever know your boyfriend had consulted them. The Citizens Advice Bureau should have contacts, or there may even be a listing in the 'Help' pages of your phone directory.

I do hope you get sorted. All the best, Clare.

[Dark Angel]

Sorry to hear about your bad luck. Money does, unfortunately have an impact on men's behaviour. Men feel inadequate if they feel that they can't support you, and if they are having financial problems some men tend to change drastically in character. It doesn't have to be something as serious as drugs. Sometimes, they just feel like they are a failure, and they go into a shell, or turn aggressive either physically or verbally, or both. They can also turn cold. 

What you need to remember is that it is not your fault. All the other posts give good advice on what you could be doing. Wish you all the best and take care.

[*mystical*]

I think he is blaming himself for the debt situation and he doesnt want to drag u into this. Being aggressive and nasty towards to, so u would end this relationship because is too painful for him to end it one sided because he still loves you.

Money problem does make people change suddenly to a completely different person. They are trapped in their bitter world overwhelmed with endless worries and no solution. At this time love and support is very important. All the other posts give advice. Citizen advice bureau and dect counselling for advice.

Wish you all the best. Good luck