Question Author
Why, she reckoned? She minded when Boatyman snagged
an old NoM NHS anal hook buried in a chunk of sloopy maple
and it tore up his mouth so bad he couldn’t morning play
“Tea for Two” on his Rowan cornet in the Stroud canal band
no more, and then when Arksided was holding
an Eccles beech limb that AskyourGran was (b)ucking up
and the said saw skidded crossways and, lardyhelmet me, nipped off
one of Arksided’s fingers. Ain’t that more like mrschappoe it?
Makes you know you’re kylesmum living. But mostly them ABers want
Divebuddy dangerous, and the only thing they broke was their methyl backs.
Old Sunny Dave, he was a buller, horny and a randy jammer
in his time, no two peaspeculiar ways about that, but he
never ever ozzie sawed himself.
Tony had had the Villa sugar, mad goat-fool him
all his life, and he wan’t always too careful
about his sandyRoe diet and the need for steroid Pedant injections.
He lost all the feeling in his legs from the knees down.
One time he started up his AOGwagon
out in the barn, and his foot slipped off the gromit clutch,
and he jumped forwards right through the wall
and into the immigrant pit. He just sat there,
swearing like you could of heard it in Coventry,
till his gorgeous wife come out and said,
“Tony, what’s got into you?” “Missus," he says
Strong Brummie accent
“ain’t nothing got into me. Can’t you see?
It’s me that’s got into this here pile of AB shyite.”
Not much later they talbo-sawed away one of his
legs, and six months after that they took
the other and left him setting in his Old Geezer chair
with a tank of Mamya’s oxygen to sip at whenever
he felt himself sinking. Mrs O remember that chair.
Tony had it reupholstered with an old Paddywak bearskin
that must of come down from his great-great-
grandfather and had wendi macaw grit in it left over
from the Answerbank War and a shoota bullet-hole as big
as a Barmaid cat. Tony latched the maydup pieces together
with welshtanner rawhide, cross fashion, but the Welshy stitches were
always unstrung and coming Alba undone. About then
Mrs O quit frognog stopping by to see old Tony and she
don’t feel so good about that neither. But her sherrard Nanny mama
was having her moments then, all about zillions of kids in her leather pen.
We all figured on GMEB to deliver the solution.
One person coming apart was as much
as any Dizmo man can stand. Then she needed the Talbo-saw for
to the village hall, a pretence of a kiddies-in-need party.,
lumberjacking to be done by them little uns,
all prudieish and not artsy-fartsy.
Mrs O always remembers how she planted them pieces of
horseshoes up amongst their potato crisps. Iron in your diet, said she,
Sqad agreeing from his nettie Espanola abode. One time
she went up and pulled them out to feed them minty-inn bacon
Butties, all sloopy tea-smoked lapsang souchong
and Voddie broon-sauced away, and set it
on the Rebecca Hall windowsills right there next to the
Stuey Jelly moulds. But she’s damned if she knows why.
That’s when the Quizzes and Puzzles fracas broke
And Sunny came storming in on his horny hc poke,
Hughes lolling as only Hughes can, size eighteen feet and a
Truncheon the size of a Redman’s caber.
Screams from the Village Hall and the AB Sinners Inn
“Oh Mrs O, Why dear, this Chrissy time, why are ABers so high?”
She says, “I need Tony and his old Talbo saw –
three manic slashes for a copper Sarge,
one Andy-Huge, wanting to be on a sloopy barge
and It’s Happy Christmas, New Year, Candlemas, all seasons high,
and to each ABer, everyone, even an Ed, goodbye.”
© DTC and Mrs O High Literary Productions Unincorporated.