RETIRED HUSBAND

[starone]

After my husband retired I insisted that he accompany me on my trips to the Superduper market.

Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, I, like most women, love to browse.

Yesterday I received the following letter from the local Superduper:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on lay-by.

6.. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9... September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11... October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15.. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

[welshlibranr]

funny, but sad too!...

[venator]

I'm sorry, it was the little voices which made me do those things ....

[rowanwitch]

Must try the hide in the rack one...TK maxx would be good big racks.... thick shoppers

[jamesnan]

So funny, I am sure my husband has thoughts like those occasionally!!!

[marval]

I love this one

[bookbinder]

I once did something similar to No. 2 in a shop that sold kitchen gadgets. I saw a display of clockwork timers (the things that you can put in your apron pocket, and they sometimes have a chicken on the top), and I set them all to go off at random intervals. Just gave the tops a twist to wind them up. I wasn't brave enough to stay and watch what happened.