Help me get my head around this...

[Craftypig]

Four months ago my partner found out she was pregnant, it was a shock at first, but personally I was over the moon, she was doing all the usual baby shopping stuff with her mum we would go through baby names etc. Then 5 mins before we left home for the anatomy scan (20weeks) she told me she didn't want the baby. I was gutted, I begged and pleaded with her to have the baby but to no avail. Last Monday she terminated the baby's life, on Tuesday she went back to the clinic to go through labour to "evacuate" her womb. Whilst all this was going on she decided that she wasn't in love with me so she ended the relationship. I have since found out that she has been getting friendly with someone she met on the internet who lives in Holland. Unfortunately due to her circumstances she cant immediately move out of the house but we sleep in different bedrooms. This morning we had sex twice then she switches on her phone and starts txting loverboy, I cant understand what is going on, my whole world has collapsed around my ears...

[EvianBaby]

How awful. You're being far too kind to her. One of you needs to leave and you need to stop sleeping with her. I can't believe a woman would do that.

[albaqwerty]

There is no accounting for some peoples behaviour. I agree with Eviian.

One of you should move out.

[snags]

You need time apart from each other asap.

[Craftypig]

I would never have guessed that this would happen, I'm in total shock, sometimes I try to get my head around it and other times I just break down. Everything seemed so good, I had just got a new job that pays better money, its closer to home she has a job too. we were so close, or so I thought. I'm tring to deal with the abortion of my child (which was a girl, we were going to call her Harriette) the break-up of my relationship and the fact that she was building up a relationship with someone else. I dont know where to start or who to turn to for real help.

[boxtops]

I am sorry for your circumstances but she says she doesn't love you any longer - whyever are you having sex? I must admit that when my relationship broke up we had to live in the same house for a while, we were courteous to each other but never any sex. Don't do it any more with her, you are only prolonging your pain.

[albaqwerty]

You're suffering a huge bereavement from a lot of angles.
There will be no time limit to the anger, hurt, disbelief and sorrow and shock.

I'd try to see your GP, a good GP would probably offer to find counselling for you.

[Craftypig]

Thanks everyone. I cannot believe that the abortion and this new relationship are not linked. I seriously think she has sacrificed our child and our relationship for some stupid fantasy, I dont think she has been thinking straight at all. And this will come back and bite her on the arse in the future....

[Mosaic]

Agreeing with Alba. There are 5 classic stress points that add up to a bad bout mentally. These are starting a long term relationship, ending a relationship, changing job, moving home and death of a close relative. I feel you are ticking four of the five boxes.
As part of the getting better, you'll need neutral people to talk to, so please ask for this help at your GPs.
In addition I'm sure that many here will, on the basis of your info, feel that you have been badly betrayed and let down. This betrayal will add to your pain.
Counsellors will talk about the stages you can expect to work through, and different schools of thought vary on these, but there's some interesting guidance here
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grief
I'm concerned that your ex is still able to manipulate you - as you have arranged your work to be nearer this home it might be worth asking her to make arrangements to move out asap.
Best of luck, blessings in abundance and hugs for your recovery from this.

[albaqwerty]

We're here if you need anyone to shout at or to be hugged xx

[ummmm]

What was the relationship like before the pregnancy?

[jno]

I can see why you're having sex - you hope she'll change her mind. But why she is... heaven knows. Her mind is probably in a mess at the moment, but she's messing with yours too. Relationships do break down, and yours has. Even if she did change her mind I'd be tempted to buy her a one-way ticket to Rotterdam fairly soon.

You don't really have to understand what's going on. Trying to read the mind of someone who's dumping you seldom gets you anywhere. Just concentrate on how you're going to make a single life work again

[Craftypig]

She was due to move out of the house the weekend before she went for the abortion but I thought it would be too much for her all at once so I suggested she stay until she had the abortion. Inside I was hoping that she wouldn't go through with it but she txt me telling me what they had done to to her. I also thought that maybe living in the same house might help financially, but whats the point, everytime I look at her she is on her phone txting him, and I can't handle it. I had thought there might be an opportunity of a reconciliation but that can't happen either, I'm not going to spend my time wondering what she is doing when I am at work. I even told my mum we had lost the baby because I was too ashamed to tell her the truth. I'm back to square one now, I can't think about the future because it scares me, I'm really messed up.

[Craftypig]

@ummmm, the relationship was ok as far as I was aware, she has never given me reason to think that she was unhappy or anything, we weren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination but things didn't seem this desperate.

[Mosaic]

Do you have any close friends you could spend today with?

[ummmm]

I was just wondering if the hormones sent her a bit nuts. It's not unheard of.

[EvianBaby]

Were you present for any of the appointments? Are you sure she really was pregnant?

[Craftypig]

It just didn't add up ummmm, that's why I believe the abortion and this man are linked, I'm thinking maybe she panicked, she didn't want to be stuck with a baby when she was getting attention from someone new. I dont know how this new relationship will work anyway, he lives in Europe for crying out loud, not just round the bloody corner is it. I got friends I can spend time with today but I cant put it out of my head. I only thought this kind of thing happened to people that read Bella or Take a brake. This is a classic Jeremy kyle episode!

[Craftypig]

@ Evianbaby, I was there for the 12 week scan, I remember the man that did the scan said jokingly "you will need a lead for this one" because she was moving about a lot even at that young stage I was so proud and beaming with joy. I remember her telling me that when she was at work she could feel the baby moving around all the time too I couldn't wait for her to be born. All I have now are two scan pictures to remind me of her. I cant put into words how overwhelming all this is.

[EvianBaby]

I don't really have anything useful to say but you have my sympathy. Can't imagine how you must been feeling right now. Truly awful for you.

[Mosaic]

Dear old thing, don't torture yourself further than you need to. You will be upset for some time about the scan photos.
In Japan abortion is pretty routine and non-judgemental, and even there they acknowledge the associated mental anguish. Women especially often choose to place an image of their unborn child at special Shinto shrines, and they will return from time to time to pray and make offerings there.
Might it help if you created some kind of similar routine? I am not religious but I often light candles in churches. Why not give someting like this a try, what's the worst that can happen?
But - probably better now to ration yourself to one look every so often at the photos. it's helping to beat you up, and nothing will change now in that regard.