Thank You Les Dawson

marval | 17:46 Mon 13th Jan 2014 | Jokes

9 Answers

I wouldn't say the room was small but when I talked to myself, one of us had to step outside to reply.

I said to the wife, 'I wish you wouldn't smoke in bed.' She said, 'But a lot of women do.' I said, 'Not bacon they don't.'

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussard's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stock-taking'

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I was in a play on TV once. It was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering... what's on the other channels?

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change. We're going to let her in.

A letter came from the bank. I could tell it was from the bank as it was written on a wreath nailed to the front door.

I crossed a parrot with a hen — got an egg that tells you when it’s done.

For two years, I toured with the Sadler’s Wells Ballet Company. I was the van driver.

I bought my wife a pressure cooker. God knows what she did with it, but she’s the first woman to put a turnip in orbit.

I suppose the stage was in my blood. My great-grandmother was a gaiety girl in London — men drank champagne from her slipper and threw roses as she danced. She died at the age of 59, from damp feet and greenfly.

In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought... I must put a roof on this toilet.