Messy Rooms And Not Looking After Belongings

[BuzzNitemare]

I know it's an oft asked question on here but my children's rooms are not just a bit of a mess they are ridiculous. There is barely an inch of floor, desk, bed and chair bed that is not covered with a jumble of stuff. As a result things get lost, broken and then they try to keep it secret from me which usually results in a bigger row when I find out

Last night I asked them to gather up all their laundry and was assured that the piles I was given was all their dirty laundry. I've just been into their rooms to look for something and managed to fill another basket - goodness knows how long some of it had been lying there. Their school bags are just as bad and so I miss important letters and they end up having to rush homework but they'd lost the instructions and weren't sure what they were supposed to be doing. I've had enough

In the past I've tidied their rooms with them, I've bought them storage boxes, files etc and helped them organise their stuff but they don't keep up with it. I've sent them through to do a bit of tidying every night, I've banned them from having friends round while their rooms are a state. I've even emptied their rooms of everything except a few days of clean clothes ( they dropped them on the floor when they were done with them).

In all other ways they are smart, polite children who are fun to be with but they can't / won't get to grips with this messiness and at the moment I just feel like packing a bag and walking away from everything. I know it's an overreaction but I'm sick of feeling like a broken record and it's starting to feel like they just don't care enough about me to do what I ask. Help!

[woofgang]

How old are they? If they are over 10, then set consequences. If clothes are dirty that's what they have to wear and you don't buy them new ones until they can take care of what they have. If things get broken you don't replace them. If school letters are missed they have to explain to the school why. If homework isn't done they get the consequence of that. Its not your problem, its theirs so give it back to them. And yes, no friends round. You might even escalate it to no treats and no pocket money.

[woofgang]

PS, you don't have to get cross about it, its not punishment, its consequences, the same as if you step in a puddle you get wet feet.

[belrec]

i agree with woof, if they are older then a few days of getting them ti live with it may make a difference.

i know this sounds a bit babyish but how about a star chart with a treat at the end of the week if they do all the stuff you set them?

it is probably just a phase as you say they are generally good children otherwise.

good luck, let us know what you do and how it goes :-)

[BuzzNitemare]

They are 12, and I've already tried the things you have suggested. They just wear the dirty clothes. I've tried being calm , I've tried yelling. I've told them that I will take over cleaning their rooms but that will result in a total lack of privacy for them - they're not bothered..

Letters from the school do have an impact on me. Last week I found out about an important meeting fifteen minutes before if began.

They know they are In the wrong with these things so they won't tell me when something is broken, and won't ask the school for another copy of a letter. They just stick their head in the sand and hope it all works out.

[rockyracoon]

Lol Buzz, you're kids sound exactly like mine. I've given up roaring at them, they just have to go to PE in manky, dirty kits if they don't put them in the wash, if they get told off for missing homework then they have to live with it and they can't have friends round til they tidy up. Once they've gone to school in the morning I shut their bedroom doors and leave it, I just don't have the energy to keep challenging them over it.

[Prudie]

Personally I'd come to an agreement with them - they ensure they are 100% committed to giving you school correspondence and providing you with a pile of dirty washing of their choice and beyond that you will stay out of their rooms and not search for more washing. They will soon learn if stuff they want to wear isn't clean. For your sanity then stick to staying out of their room and stop worrying about it. When my daughter was a teenager her bedroom was embarrassingly disgusting, not just with dirty clothes either. I used to get really stressed about it, BUT she has grown out of it as do most of them.

[jno]

in another year or two they will start to care about clean clothes. Meantime, if they want to wear dirty, let them.

[woofgang]

You have to stick with the consequences thing....months if necessary. Could you talk to the school about having an email mailing list for letters to parents? You can't be the only ones with this problem. It would save the school a fortune in photocopying costs as well. If its permission slips for outings and so on then if the child doesn't give it to you in time, they lose out, but if its stuff that is important to you as a parent then TBH I think that giving it to children to deliver is risky anyway.

[rockyracoon]

Our school emails everything, thankfully, or I'd probably never see it.

[BuzzNitemare]

Thank you for your answers everybody, it is good to hear that I'm not the only one to experience it.

Thing is, I'm not a naturally tidy person myself but I do a ccept that it has to be done so I'm not living in chaos. I'd like to ignore their mess and leave them to it but there is a part of me that thinks they have to learn that , yes you'd rather play on your laptop than tidy up ( so would I ) but that's not the way the real world works - things have to be done. Plus as I said the over sensitive part of me thinks that I must not be that important to them if they won't do something I ask them to.

[BuzzNitemare]

I will speak to the school about the email possibility. Their primary school used to send texts to the parents saying stuff like ' letter in children's bags today with details of sports day' - it always seemed a daft way of doing it :)

[woofgang]

The way people - any people decide what is important TO THEM is by experiencing the consequences of it not happening. And its absolutely nothing to do with the way they feel about you....If your partner said to you about something you really didn't want to do and couldn't see the point of "If you loved me you'd xxxxx" then you'd call it emotional blackmail...so please don't go there.

[albaqwerty]

I take it they are both boys?

If so, been there, done it and survived through to the other side.

It's not an easy ride, but if mine didn't put dirty clothes in laundry basket, they didn't get washed.

Chin up!!

[jno]

I'm not a naturally tidy person myself but I do a ccept that it has to be done so I'm not living in chaos.

You're not living in chaos, they are. Make it clear you won't have chaos in the public rooms of the house (put rubbish in the bin if necessary); but you have to let kids run their own space.

As for school letters, have a word with the school, as woofgang suggests.

[BuzzNitemare]

I don't ever say it to them, Woofgang, that's not the way I talk to my children. The rational part of me knows their feeling for me and there rooms aren't connected but to be honest I'm just feeling a bit taken for granted by everybody around me at the moment. That however is a whole other issue so I'll shut up about it now.

I will try your advice about sticking to the consequences for longer. Thanks for all your advice :)

[1ozzy]

After 4 kids I realised buying wardrobes was a waste of money as they all had a "floordrobe".
Funnily enough the older they became the more they appreciated furniture, clean clothes, rodent free bedrooms, etc.
Don't give up, be patient.
Best of luck.

[joko]

cant force them into wanting to be tidy, this is not schoolwork, deep down they know you will sort it in the end, so they just leave it hoping you will give up moaning

just let them get on with it, they will do it when it starts to bother them.

[BuzzNitemare]

Both girls, alba, just showing no signs of being obsessed with their appearance yet which is good in a lot of ways but means they will happily leave the house with messy clothes and unbrushed hair . a happy medium would be nice!

[Brinjal]

"Yes you would rather play on your laptop than tidy up". There is a good consequence right there . No laptop.

[anneasquith]

well, you firstly sit down with them and have an adult conversation re tidying their rooms, you then shout and scream, you then cry with frustration,you moan and moan and moan,you then blame yourself for not being a good mother. you then feel guilty about moaning at them so much........then you sit down and tell yourself that '' things may never change '' and YOU will be doing the tidying up,,,,,,,,,,,,,,until one day they will leave home !!!!!!!!! good luck.