Please Help Me.

[RishiBhowan]

Hi Everyone out there,
I've got a question for you all.
My partner and I have 4 kids (12, 11, 8 & 6).
As a wife she's never there for me both emotionally and intimately as well as physically. Put it this way she kicked me out of the bedroom over 11 years ago.
As a mother she is never there for the kids either. She is either talking to her friends on the phone or sitting on Facebook day and night in the bedroom, not attending to the kids. She never says I love you to me or the kids, but to her friends she does all the time.
Now the question is when I asked her to limit her time on the mobile phone, she gets angry with me saying that I'm controlling.
I can't do everything myself helping them all with their homework and putting them to bed at 11pm on the school days.
Please give me some advice here all men and women. I need help.
Cheers,
Rishi

[VHG]

She kicked you out the bedroom 11 years ago, but you have two children of 8 and 6.

Are these yours or from other men?

Do you work or not? Does she work (job)?

It is hard for us to advise as we don't know all the circumstance, but I should imagine (if you are at work) then if she has to look after 4 children that can be very tiring so she may want time on her own so talks to friends on the mobile & facebook etc.

You say she is on Facebook day and night so who looks after the kids - feeds them, washes their clothes, ironing, gets them ready for school etc? Do you do it all?

Do they really go to bed at 11pm on school days? That seems very late to me.

If they do go to bed that late maybe your wife thinks she never gets any time to herself (or with you). Try getting the kids to bed earlier so that you and her can have time on your own.

Sadly having children puts a great strain on any marriage, and you have 4, which is a lot of work

Do you ever do anything together?

Do you ever go out as a couple without the kids?

But if I am going to be blunt, maybe she just does not want to be married to you any more. That can happen in any marriage.

[Mamyalynne]

Should they have started with a different question Murray?


Good reply from VHG.

[RishiBhowan]

Thanks VHG.

I have been working for the past 18 years, and had flexibility in my work always worked around the kids nd wife to help out. I worked from home too 2 days a week which gave me time to take them to school and pick them up too.

She doesn't work.

In answer to your question, yes the kids are all mine because the only time she knew me intimately was to have kids. She wanted kids. She used to look after them until 2 years ago when she totally changed.

I just lost my job and have been home for the past 2 weeks and all kids are at school but even then I don't get to spend time with her as she shuts herself in the room and sits on her phone.

BTW the kids tell me she doesn't spend time with them so they do everything by themselves when I'm not home. The other day I came home from work and she left the kids unattended and went to the gym with her friend who was not aware the I wasn't home yet.

She has even asked me to leave if I'm not happy. The only trouble is my kids, they love me too too much and I do love them heaps too.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like my world is crumbling down and some scary thoughts are coming to my head.

Cheers,

Rishi.

[RishiBhowan]

BTW I cook most of the time and do washing for the kids and take them to their hobbies too.

Re: spending time together, even though I get the kids minded she would be on her phone in the restaurant while we are meant to be talking.

And when I invite her out to go and watch a movie at the theatre she says she doesn't like going to the movies, it bores her to death. Yet when her friends invite her to the movies, she goes though!!!

[Kassee]

Book a holiday for the kids and you, and leave her at home. Tell her you need a break from her. Can you manage without her - if she does nothing ? She doesn't work and does nothing at all. She sounds pretty lazy.

Write a list of the things that you want her to do each day/week, and tell her how you feel, lazy so and so. If she refuses to cooperate, I would cut her out. Dont pay for anything for her at all.

How does she pay for her food, phone bills, and clothes - with your money ? Well no more put an end to it; until she begins to pull her weight.

I suppose some people might put up with it, for the sake of the children, rather than splitting up entirely. If you are the one bringing the money in - I think the ball is in your court. You have been putting up with this for long enough.

[lcg]

why don't you cancel the internet, put her phone down the loo and insist she get off her bum to do something? if i did that to my other half, he wouldn't hesitate to ensure kids came first and facebook/tv came after everything else. take charge, make changes that are for your kids and tell her if she doesn't like it she can move out. if you really haven't been intimate physically and mentally for this amount of time, your marriage is over and you need to face up to it. you sound like a great dad and could reasonably become their primary carer - it sounds like it would be best for all, really. and maybe that way you could get on with your life and be happy again someday soon as well. you definitely deserve better......and have the power to make sure that it happens. take action!!! good luck x

[phleb]

throw her out, not a good mum or wife, so don't be a part of the family, go live with the friends that she spends so much time chatting to. I expect you and the kids will be better off without her.

[phleb]

Rishi, no more scary thoughts.....think of the children, one good parent is better than none. Get rid of her, i can imagine she is going through a phase of being single...let her, you concentrate on the little ones.

[RishiBhowan]

Hi All,
You people are so comforting. I have decided to take control of my family completely. Today I had the guts to tell her to clean up her acts or else to move out. I'm going to move back into my master bedroom next Monday. If she doesn't like it, then she can move out and if I can't kiss and get intimate with my wife not even once a week, then I might as well not have a wife. My children will always come first even before my own self, it's a responsibility I am so proud of.
The only trouble I can see though is that the law is biased towards the mother sometimes even though she won't be there for the kids if she has custody. Are the kids allowed to choose their primary carer? Not too sure...

[Retrochic]

I don't think your children are allowed to choose which parent gets custody as such but I'm sure their wishes are taken into account -especially the two older ones. To be perfectly frank if she's not bothering with them now what makes you think she will WANT custody -she would have to apply and from what you've said she'll probably dance for joy if she no longer has any parental responsibilities.

[penelope2]

Well done, I wish you well.

[RishiBhowan]

Thank you all. The only trouble I can see is that she may want the kids for the money from government assistance. Here in Australia, the parent who has the kids' custody gets more financial assistance than a single. And the law is really silly in these instances. Unless you can prove that she is physically unfit to look after the kids the man always loses.

[RishiBhowan]

OMG after sitting down and speaking to her, she said to me that I'm still controlling. Even the kids begged her but she started swearing at them.
Now she tells me she won't ever get intimate with me but if I go with another woman then she will divorce me and take the kids with her to make me suffer as she knows how much the kids mean to me. So there I am again as a prisoner. I've really had enough. I think my life is doomed!!!

[EDDIE51]

For information , children of 10 years and older are considered by the family court to be old enough to decide for themselves which parent they want to stay with if the mother and father are separated.

[kylesmum]

Would you consider couple counselling? Seems a bit drastic to throw everything away when it's clear you have had a breakdown in communications. I think you both need to sit down, without kids and really have a heart to heart.As it is you're skirting the real issue.

I'm not sure all is lost. I wish you well.

[RishiBhowan]

Hi Mark and others,
Personally I don't want to throw away everything but she is not the type who listens to me. I tried to have a chat today to her while the kids were at school, but she made me cry (sorry I'm a man but I still get hurt too)
Cheers,
Rishi.

[EDDIE51]

Sorry didn't notice you were in Australia, my advice that the children can decide which parent they live with is English law. I do not know the situation in Australia.