Family...who'd Have 'em!

[ck1]

My mom has been unwell for the last 3 years after having cancer in her spine. For a while she was not very mobile but recovered well enough to stay living by herself and managing really well, although had to give up dog walking which earned her fairly good money. My sister lives about a mile away and helped her with shopping and hospital visits but not much more than that. I live about 3 hours away and visited when I could but practically couldn't be there all of the time. When I was there she hated me doing anything for her anyway so other than taking her meals to freeze I wasn't particularly useful. I did more with regards to paying for any stuff that she needed and couldn't afford now - broadband, household appliances, computer stuff etc. Because I wasn't up there as often as I maybe should have been, my sister had a real issue with doing all of the hospital visits etc and, so she could be a bit or a martyr about it, never mentioned that there were any pending appointments, mainly so she could be upset with me about not helping with them. She was happily taking the carer's allowance that came with the work though. Mom died on Monday and now we're being totally kept out of the loop with regards to what's happening with funerals etc (she'd made a request to be donated to a university for research purposes as she had such a rare cancer so this may or may not be happening). My wife thinks we should just head up there and kind of force ourselves into the situation but I'm not so sure about that. If my sister wants to exclude me and take over the responsibility herself should I just leave her to get on with it? We're generally subtly unwelcome when we go to visit anyway so if we do travel up we don't really have anywhere to go, other than booking into a hotel (I never had keys to my mom's place) so should I just keep out of the way?

[dannyk13]

If your sister makes you feel unwelcome I would just stay away and let her get on with it.You can always pay your respects to your mother at a later date.

[Mamyalynne]

Firstly, please accept my condolences.

On the practical side, I wouldn't drive up there but make it clear by whatever means you can that you are prepared to be involved in any planning etc and leave it up to your sister to contact you.

[Barmaid]

I would try a gentle approach. A phone call or email. Offer help and support and request you be kept informed. Ackowledge that distance meant you couldnt always be there and she may have found it difficult. Grief can make people act in unusual ways. Thats the human answer.

Then there is the legal answer.....

[woofgang]

I don't think there is a "should" here. I think that the softly softly approach suggested by the others would be my advice too. If its solely the emotional aspect to consider then its the way I would go.

[murraymints]

sorry to hear your sad news..but I'd let her get on with it... offer to help and then withdraw if spurned..ask about a remembrance service...

[Barmaid]

What would you like to happen?

[ck1]

Thanks everyone for your comments, I think maintaining some distance is probably the way to go. As far as what I'd like to happen, you see these situations in the movies where someone dies, everyone gets together with a bottle of single malt and recalls funny stories about the deceased, then they leave as best friends and life is good. I guess we'll just do Christmas cards for the kids though!

[murraymints]

sad situation...hope you manage to calm matters one day..but don't feel bad..you can only offer.... just think of all the happy times with your mum...xx