Who Should Relocate?

[Anne1977]

Hi all,
I'm a 42 Yr old single mum who works full time as a nurse.
I've had a string of bad luck in both relationships and life really. However, after 10 years of being single, I finally met a lovely man who I've fallen in love with, and as far as I know he feels the same.
So life is looking good.
Here's my dilemma. He lives about 45 mins away and lives with his 21yr old daughter 50% of the time. He's in a very well paid job, financially secure, and pays off his mortgage in 7 yrs (he's 49). He has his parents and friends in close proximity and has never really known what it's like to struggle.
I find myself in a completely different situation. 4 years ago I was made homeless, lived in a hostel but subsequently found myself a lovely home with my daughter. I've never been fortunate enough to get myself on the housing ladder, so I rent a house - which is through a housing association(so cheap rent).
My daughter of 11 yrs has never stayed with her father, so I have sole custody, she appears happy but has had mental health issues (of which she is currently being treated) so things haven't been easy for us. She goes to a fantastic school (who have supported her mental health problems) 7 miles away from our home, where she has a lovely set of friends of which I am very good friends with their parents. I am very blessed to say I have a fantastic mum and although I have no one to help with school runs, my family and friends are within close proximity, and I'd be lost without them.
I'm not too proud to say I really struggle, physically and financially-but that's life.
My man knows my situation, I have been honest throughout. So I was surprised when he continued to want to see me. Every week, without fail, he has stayed over mid week and each Saturday night. His work is just 25 mins away from me.
However, he's made hints about my daughter moving to a school near him, and both of us moving in to his home.
Although, I love him dearly and I'd go so far as to say he is 'the one' I'm a realist. If I were to move to him, I'd lose my support network, my job, and my home. Most importantly, I'd be pulling my daughter from a school that she is happy in, and I'd be afraid of upsetting her mental health.
Should our relationship fail, I'd have no one to stay with, and I do not have the finances to be able to get a home again easily, as private rent is very expensive in my area. So effectively I'd be homeless - again.
He's also hinted at the fact he could never live with me in 'my small 2 bedroomed' house (which isn't that small actually!).
So I find myself in a predicament, my heart wants to stay with him, but my head says, how can this work?
My daughter is the most important thing in all of this, so I can't put her through the upheaval of a move, risking the potential of being homeless again.
He on the other hand, is financially well off, independent, and although his 21yr daughter stays with him (she lives around the corner at her mum's the other 50% and has been in a relationship for 2 yrs) she has never worked, and has relied on money from her parent's to get her through life, I don't foresee her wanting to move out any time soon. So, her dad is unlikely to want to move.
Am I wasting my time on a love that due to circumstances, will never work?
Many thanks to those who had the patience to read this post through to the end!

[Rosie29]

What a difficult situation and there are no easy answers. I think for thè time being that you should be frank with your partner about how you feel but go with your instincts to stay where you are. These things often resolve themselves but you have fought hard for your security and I think that and your daughter come first. Good luck and I shall be thinking of you.

[Canary42]

Very very sad - the intransigence of you both is indeed a barrier to a happy future. IMHO you have by far the stronger case, he sounds like a spoilt mummy's boy to me, which is why he expects you to jump. Good luck, whatever happens, you deserve it.

[woofgang]

nobody "should" do anything. Talk to your partner honestly and openly about your feelings and fears and don't dso anything in a hurry.

[Anne1977]

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful answers.
I had thought perhaps I was being selfish by not wanting/being able to relocate. But your answers have confirmed that I'm not. So for that I am extremely grateful.
I'm scared of losing him, as I've never known feelings like this before. But my daughter comes first, so I will forsake all, if she is happy. His daughter is a young adult, whereas mine is still a child.
But I will talk to him. I've touched on my life experiences thus far, which haven't been great, but he just nods and doesn't pass comment. This could be because he doesn't live in the past - which is great, but it's my past has shaped the person I am today, equally it's also made me quite fearful of losing everything that I have fought so hard to achieve.
He, on the other hand, is very pragmatic and not having struggled in his own life, he will never truly understand the places I've been both mentally and physically. Yet somehow, we work... For now.
I guess if I lose him, then he wasn't right for me. Although this saddens me greatly, at least I know I am able to go alone, as I have done for over ten years.
Thank you again lovely people.

[maggiebee]

Anne, sometimes you just have to put yourself and your daughter first.
From what you have said, your daughter needs stability and so do you. Long distance relationships are never 100% satisfactory, but if you sit down and weigh up the pros and cons then you will be able to make a decision based on the reality of your situation. I sincerely hope things work out for you, sounds as if you deserve some happiness.

[jakep]

You seem to have a very good grip on your situation and have given a great deal of thought to the pros and cons.
I would encourage you to hold dear to all that you have ‘earned’.
Your daughter has stability and that is very precious.
It is lovely to share your life with another adult you feel strongly about but you are most aware of the sacrifices you would be making and I agree, this is not the time to make them.
I wish you well x

[Smowball]

Hi Anne, what a dilemma. I was actually in quite a similar situation 13 years ago - my man had his own business and fab house etc, and I was in a housing accommodation place, and he chose to move in with ME.
It worries me a tad that his 21 year old daughter doesn’t work and he basically supports her, so if you were to ever move in with him you’d be basically sharing the home with her too.

[calmck]

Why not write him a letter similar to your question. Your daughter really should come first. Sharing a home with his daughter could become problematic.

[Hopkirk]

Just keep bumbling along as you are.

[Ellipsis]

Your daughter is 11 ... is she in the last year of primary school, or the first year of secondary school?

[jennyjoan]

I agree with you putting yourself and your daughter first. Since your daughter has the mental issues which a little girl near me has too - her school has been wonderful to her. This girl is 16 in May and boy will she be leaving school as that has been her main issue.

I don't think you should uproot her and perhaps put her into a school who wouldn't may be sympathetic to her needs. And you can walk into many other problems if you do move. Good luck to you anyway.

[ladybirder]

My advice for what it's worth is to stay as you are at the very least until your daughter has finished school. You can carry on seeing each other but you have far too much to lose to give up what you might never be able to get again should such a need occur. If you do decide to go to live with him could you possibly rent your house out so you have somewhere to go if the need arises? Being an HA house, probably not?

[marval]

You do need to talk to your partner, he needs to understand that you are putting your daughter first.

Now is probably not a good time to relocate, your daughter is happy at a school that supports her. Plus you have family and friends around you.

Hopefully you can work something out, I wish you and your daughter all the best.

[nicebloke1]

I'm just going to be blunt. stay as you are, sometimes only seeing each other twice a week works better.

[Old_Geezer]

Nothing wrong with a longer distance relationship. Was in one for decades. I'd still be save for an unfortunate incident which means we're no longer miles away for now. Since each of you have offspring and are concerned about them, why not agree it's best to leave things as they are until circumstances change and you can look for a new place together ?

[Zacs-Master]

My advice. Stay as you are until the daughter moves out then buy somewhere new. If she doesn’t move out, then......I’m not sure.

[Anne1977]

What a lovely bunch of people you all are!
I am sincerely grateful for all your advice.
I 100% agree about putting my daughter first. That has been, and will always be the case.
Ellipsis - I actually live in an area where there is a 3 tier school system in place. Confusing, I know. So she is in Yr 7 of middle school and goes onto High school in Yr 9.
Despite her struggles, she is the kindest, most well mannered girl. I'm truly blessed. I credit her schooling and friends for that.
Her friends are equally just as lovely. In fact she has remained with the same set of friends that she met in preschool. So the upheaval of schooling would be fairly traumatic... And selfish of me.
That said, as has been previously mentioned, I've not known what it was like to have adult company of an evening for so long, and it's lovely.
Sadly, I'm not able to rent out my home as its HA. I wish I could buy it, and have looked into it, but I can't raise enough of a deposit. So, it's not for the want of trying. I'm actually embarrassed to admit I'm not on the housing ladder at the ripe old of age of 42!
Something that someone touched upon was the fact his daughter had never worked, which I too, find strange, but I don't feel it's my place to comment on with my partner. Although I nearly bit the other night when he mentioned that his daughter was booking her 4th holiday this year!! His comment? "well she's only young once". I, having never had a holiday with my daughter, had to put my fist in my mouth

[andy-hughes]

I think on balance you should stay where you are - because you have very strong and viable reasons for doing so - the first and most important being your daughter's welfare and happiness, and the second being your support systems, and the risk of losing your home.

If you really want to make the relationship permanent in terms of living together, your man will accept that he must move to you, and maybe he can look at financing a bigger proerty for both of you? If he is unwilling, then he simply does not love you enough, and your choice is to carry on as you are, or split.

It needs discussion, but i would hold firm with your inention to stay put. You have a dependent child, he doesn't, that alone must tell him that he is the one to re-locate.

[Smowball]

Is he paying for his daughters holidays??

[Anne1977]

Hi Smowball, yes I think so. She obviously has a student loan, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't cover 4 holidays a year, all of which are abroad and include cruises and trips to Vegas.
I've never had the courage to ask him outright, as its none of my business really. However, I'm not stupid, and I watch how he 'throws' money at her.
Whereas, I'd love just to have some money to throw!