Adoption

[Halifaxmum]

I have had an email from a website I registered with a few years ago, in a vain attempt to trace my birth mother. It says she is shocked but she has left her email address.

I'm totally screwed up by this. I've been trying to trace her since I was 18. It was a private adoption in the early 70s so there's very little information on the official records. I have always been desperate to trace her as my adoptive parents died when I was 9 and 16 and I've got a step-mother who doesn't give a flying one about me or my kids.

What do I do? I'm dying to ask 1001 questions, but I don't want to scare her off.

[ljdksa]

I would be honest and say exactly that. You seem to appreciate her feelings, so mention that you don't want to make things difficult for her, but would love some light contact. She has left you an e-mail address, so she is obviously happy for you to contact her. Don't expect too much. Take it slowly and best of luck x

[sara3]

I don't have any words of wisdom, but I wish you lots of luck x

[dotty.]

they should offer you support and counselling via that website and so look at that first, if you feel you can proceed without professional input then take it slow and respond naturally, noone has the upper hand and there is no blame or guilt or recriminations but many people get in a fog of confusion caused by all 3 and so be aware it is emitionally draining for both sides if things don't meet your expectations.

Good luck.

[pussnboots]

I'm talking from experience here coz I traced my birth mother and we met up. I wanted to ask loads of questions but thought I would take it easy. The first meeting was a bit tentative, we were very polite with each other. I wanted to ask about my father but didn't as I thought I would leave that for another time, 12 months passed from that first meeting although we had fleeting contact by phone. I was really desperate to find out all the facts but then I got a call from her daughter (my half sister) my mother had died, she was only 50 yo and there was no one else still alive that knew anything about it. It had been kept secret, It's a much longer story than this but it would take me all night to explain. Anyway my advice is that as long as you are able to meet up with your birth mother you must do it as soon as you can, ask as many questions as you want, it is your right to know. Best of luck.

[Fenwickl]

I acquired an older brother at age 35, he traced my mother who was also shocked, understandably, but although I knew nothing of him, my father and her parents knew about Andrew, and although initial contact was through letters, I now have regular contact with him and we are good friends. I would say that since your birth mother has given you a way to make contact, you should feel free to use it. You seem like a sensitive person and as long as you tread carefully, I cannot see anything bad coming of it. You will gain some closure and you may gain a lot more.
Be prepared for your birth mother not wanting to have a relationship - the past may be too painful, but the ball is definitely in your court.

[pusskin]

hi halifaxmum! I feel so happy reading a post like yours. brilliant news for you.

my son got in touch with me after 40 yrs, in 1994. It was a bolt out of the blue, and we met up just a week later after getting over the shock. It was a fantastic reunion at a pub half way between our houses, and was a day to remember till the day I die.
It has ended a 40 yr wait and lots of heart ache along the way, always wondering how he is and whether he is alive or not!
Good luck with your new found mum. (were in constant contact)

[pusskin]

Dont be too scared to get in touch with your mum,halifaxmum. She could be waiting with open arms to greet you. I know I was.
take it slowly and chat and laugh about whats happening in your life etc, and slowly all the questions will be hopefully answered over a period of time.
I really hope all goes well for you --please keep us posted x pusskins

[Halifaxmum]

Hello all

I've plucked up the courage and sent her an email today - just said that I would like to ask her for some info and if that is ok with her.

GULP!!

Fingers crossed...

[WELSHYORKIE]

Hope it works out for you Halifaxmum

[pusskin]

well thats the first step halifaxmum. fingers crossed that the next step may be, a text, email, chat on the phone, or to meet up! I know by what my son said , that you must be chomping at the bit.
be patient , as info may only come when meeting up for the first time? Good luck, and I hope you will post of any further news? x

[tastymorsel]

Excellent news.Please keep us posted.

[sandyRoe]

It might be a good idea to meet on 'neutral ground' and not make the first meeting too long.

[pusskin]

sandy roe --thought that would happen to us lot, but it went on all day in the pub garden, and the sun shone down, and we didnt want it to end. We had so much to chat about, and we took an instant liking to one another, a really good bond.

I hope this is your next step halifaxmum x keep your chin up

[CAJ1]

Halifaxmum, I wish you all the best, I really really do but just want to say you may have a mental picture in your head of what your mother is like or how you would like her to be and she might not be like that at all so be prepared for that. I really don't want to put a dampner on your hopes and I really hope it does al work out for you, its just that I'm talking from experience. On a happier note, I contacted my half sister who I never knew existed until a few months ago and she replied to me. We've only been in contact a few months and both understand if the other does not want to discuss something yet, we're taking it slowly. It is a lovely feeling though having found each other.

I wish you all the best for the future, good luck :)

[Halifaxmum]

Thanks all for your lovely supportive comments

Caj - I've been searching for so long, I think I've gone through every possible outcome! I'm not naive to think she'll be the best thing since sliced bread, in fact, exactly the opposite!

She has replied saying she hopes I'm well and happy and is pleased to hear from me, so it seems good so far..?!!

[dotty.]

brilliant news, hope this develops well

[pusskin]

thats brilliant news halifaxmum. So pleased for you, and please dont forget that your mum may be carrying a lot of guilt! She may be a nice person and bitterly regrets what happened years ago. She had to do what she had to do at that time.

So far so good ay x please keep us all posted

[Halifaxmum]

I know I'm being mean, but she says she can't put it down in a few sentences...well i can't either....!

She says she hopes I can keep in touch - but how the f can I when she won't explain why she gave me up...???!!!

[Halifaxmum]

F'kit I'm gonna go get pissed n won't care....!!! :-)

[dotty.]

You really can't get to that stage so early, it will be too emotional and too difficult, not everyone can handle the feeling of guilt or loss. She's made a life for herself and now maybe she has the chance to put alot right but noone can rush her, please try to be patient, you still have years ahead to be apart of each others lives. The decsion to give you up may not have been hers at all.