Relationship With My Mum Feels Like It Changing :(

[Jenarry]

Things feel different and I’m not sure why . we have such differing opinions and we are just very different people and I feel like a rift is growing.
She went through a cancer scare this past year and has now got the all clear .it was very difficult going through the chemotherapy and the side effects and at the time I felt like if I didn’t check on her every day she would be suffering a side effect and it would go on for days before she took action to get help.
I was on the phone to her every day especially on the days when she was actually having any treatment /procedures for advice or to listen.
In the meantime my brother was being true to type and just not bothering for weeks on end even when he knew it was a chemo day and it was upsetting my mum so much .
But occasionally he makes the effort and rings her and it’s like he’s the perfect son. He asked her for the first time ever in nearly 50 years what she would like for Christmas and she was over the moon. I’m there every birthday ,mum & Father’s Day , buying nice cards and pressies ,for them have them over for Christmas Day to us . Arrange holidays with them , finding the holiday and sorting it all out for everyone . Invite them to things like firework night.
And I wonder why I bother . It feels like it’s not even appreciated . We was away on holiday with them in the summer just before my birthday and my mum in law turned up at the start of the hol with a gift and card for me . How lovely . My mum a few days later towards the end of the holiday Handed me a £10 note to go towards a top I had bought earlier that day . She hadn’t even got me a card . I was so upset at the lack of effort .it wasnt due to lack of opportunity as we’d been out and about every day during our holiday near card shops etc . Last year she completely forgot my birthday til she spotted it on Facebook which was very upsetting too.
My mum and dad had an anniversary party in september and my mum was called to give a speech . She thanked me and Tony for being her son and daughter and then she thanked her friends so much for everything they’d done for her during the difficult past months . :( like I hadn’t been there too . When she was well in 2017 and again now her and my dad go off on lots of trips and doing lots meals out etc and it’s like she can’t even spare time for us . She never ever rings me , it would go weeks if I didn’t ring her .
I’ve asked her if they are coming to us for Christmas (which is tradition for a lot of years usually our house and occasionally at their house-i know my son is getting older now aged 12 but they always see him on Christmas Day) and she stumbled and said ‘oh I don’t know at the moment as we’ve had a couple of other offers ‘ :(which took me by surprise and so I’ve left it with her . We had a conversation about my mum in law coming for Christmas with her new boyfriend and my mum went off about whether they were stopping the night and how some people would feel odd about that as it’s a new relationship . I said well I suppose but they’re not kids they are 65 and 75. What she thinks they are going to get up to i’ve no idea . I just don’t know where she’s coming from . That’s the sort of conversation I end up having with her and it drive me nuts . We also had one about my 12yr old son and my 12yr old niece sleeping in the same room on separate camp beds for just one night . And my mum thought it was a shocking idea . :/ she made feel stupid for even suggesting it . :/

[Mamyalynne]

I had similar with my Mum, it does hurt and it could simply be that she just presumes you know how much you mean to her.

Things do change even with those nearest to us, just make it clear you're there if she needs you and try not to feel too hurt by it all.

[anneasquith]

A sad situation for you jen. I bet you feel better having written down your thoughts. Why not maybe gradually withdraw slightly from her. Nothing major. I hope she is not aware how much she is capable of hurting you . Concentrate on you and your family. Good luck .

[scorpiojo]

Have you said any of this to your Mum?

[Jenarry]

Yes I do feel better for getting it down Thankyou Anne . I feel like it’s all going to bubble over soon . So no I haven’t said anything to my mum Scorpiojo but i can feel it’s all going to come out soon .
I feel so bad after my mums health scare and I have friends who have lost their mums very recently but she frustrates me so much and just doesn’t seem to bother with us .

[tinkerbell23]

Sorry you are feeling upset!!

I have a friend in a similar position! Runs from here to hell for her elderly unwell mother (as you do!) spends a fortune on petrol etc whilst having her own kids/grandkids to sort!
Or gets 3 buses.... to then get every bad word in her Mothers mouth :0(

Family who live nearer do little yet are wonderful and a relative who lives abroad is the best thing since sliced bread!!

Very similar with birthdays etc to your situation!! Almost a jelousy thing!!

It took someonelse in the family to say to the lady if she had ANY idea how hurtful she was being and she did come round for a while and tell her daughter how much she loved her....

I cant say things are 100% now though sadly! Wonder if anyone would have a wee word with your Mum or if she would listen to you!

Have a nice christmas just you guys xxx

[anneasquith]

Maybe talk to dad ?

[seekeerz]

I hate to say this, jen, but you'll need a hide like a rhino to live with a person like your mother in your life .....been there, done that, have the scars to show for it.

She knows what she's doing, nobody could be unaware of the hurt they cause ...just don't ask me to tell you why, I doubt the root cause is the same, but I do know my mother was not a happy woman, she didn't get the things she thought she deserved, and was quite happy to mess up anything around her.

My sister was like your brother in some ways, the golden child who did no wrong ......

Oh dear, I could go on but won't, i can only suggest you take a small step back now and again, concentrate on your family, they'll be there long after your mother and they are the important people in your life.

Don't try and talk to your mother .....you'll get nowhere ...you may have already tried

I'm sorry to be so long-winded, but know you're not alone, there are many of us who face the same negative attitude and utter **** from someone who should care about us .....take care and be strong xx

[scorpiojo]

I had similar problems with my Mum, and in the end I just gave up. While it's sad that we don't have a relationship now, I no longer have to cope with the enormous amount of stress she caused me.

I wish you luck x

[Mamyalynne]

Wise words above, you really do just have to deflect the pointed arrows of hurt - if you try and fire them back, it really won't work.

Humour is always a good thing too done gently - 'Oh, you don't think we should invite them Mum?' - 'Well you know me,always a rebel, speak soon'.

[tinkerbell23]

You arent alone!!

It isnt a very nice feeling to feel a certain way towards “your own mum”.... but imo there comes a time when you realise that you are both just people and nice things & respect are earned!

Take care of you xx

[rowanwitch]

Mine's the same, I just remind myself if I met someone like that outside of the family I wouldn't even share e-mail addresses. Mine has got slightly better recently but it took a lot of effort on my part. I had to pull away for a while and let her realise she missed me. Losing Dave has made me more sympathetic though as I realise how lonely she must have been losing my dad when she had two very small children to care for. All I can say is just do what you have to for a while. Nothing more and see if that helps.

[murraymints]

got that T shirt too...hurts like hell..but just have to draw a line ..and take that T shirt off !!

[emmie]

take a step back and concentrate on your family, they are as important as your mum. I would speak with her before Christmas to see where you stand, the whole thing isn't nice, but maybe get it out in the open air, wouldn't hurt and she may see the hurt she has caused.

[Jenarry]

We always have been very different people . Different tastes ,views , lifestyle but it feels like every time I talk to my mum now there’s something she’ll say that winds me up. She’ll have an opinion on something or someone and it is just her opinion -no facts behind it but she thinks she’s right. :/ and she discounts what I say .
Ie I booked a holiday for us last year and we were flying from Birmingham Airport .my mum was absolutely 100 % that it was East Midlands airport and that they were one and the same place . I told her no they were close but different airports .but she wouldn’t have it. Very frustrating that she doesn’t take my word. Next time I talk to her she did apologise as she’d talked to a friend and told her I was right . :/ and it just feels like she doesn’t make any effort with us these days. She’s involved with a group in her village that does things like yard bombing ,crocheting poppies for Remembrance Sunday ,etc and that seems to be her main priority these days . :(

[AuntLydia]

She sounds like she is may be trying to evaluate her life after a cancer scare and is trying to get herself out of a rut. She is making new friends and perhaps wanting to break some old traditions (Christmas at yours) for new experiences and maybe even feels a bit over-protected by you, ringing every day.

Lots of women of your mums age were brought up to expect daughters to look after them in their old age and they just do not show their appreciation. They had frustrating lives and are jealous of the relative freedom their daughters have grown up with. I could mirror everything you have said including a brother who can do no wrong and a sister who is the daughter from heaven lives 300 miles away and rings mum once a year at Christmas. Lots of the posts on this thread reflect this as well.

I would give her all the space she needs -do not ring -and see what happens. Let her come back to you if she wants. I 'divorced' my nasty abusive mother a few years ago and the massive relief was immediate. I'm not advocating this, you have to do what you think best, but having a relationship with your mother in old age is not a necessity, especially if it causes you stress. Let your 'wonderful' brother take over for a while. x

[BagPussAA]

I also have a strained relationship with my Mum. My brother is the golden boy and always has been but they had a falling out about 13 years ago and havent spoken since. However, he is still the one that she worries about. I made a decision to change my life and distance myself from her because being around her all the time was making me ill. I suffer from mental health problems and being around someone who just belittles me at every turn was causing my self esteem to plummet.
I know that it is drastic but I moved to the opposite end of the country, from Dorset to Lancashire. I needed that distance from her. We still communicate by phone on a weekly basis and I still see her every year on her birthday and on Mothers Day but I forced her to take a good look at her own life and see that she has got no family around her now and its her own fault. She isnt alone, she lives in a retirement village but she is learning that she needs to be nicer to people or she will end up a very lonely lady.

[Jenarry]

I think when my retired a few years ago she realised she didn’t have many friends and hardly knew anyone in the village they’ve lived in for 15 years . They decided to join the village group about 18 months ago after my dad retired too and it’s been a good thing . They are involved and have met and made friends with people but it’s like my mums life increasingly revolves around just them now . :/ Before my mum retired she talked so much of seeing us more and having my son and niece lots more and doing things with them and it just hasn’t happened . :/ I am going to take a step back I think . I’m going to find out what she wants to do for Christmas.and maybe make a little less effort myself in future although that’s not how I am ,so it will be hard .

[Jenarry]

I’m surprised by how many are in the same situation. Bless you all.its hard . When I think back to growing up my mum wasn’t a v loving mum and we wasn’t very close but I think we’d had quite a nice relationship over the years but sadly it seems to be reverting back to how it was. :(

[anneasquith]

Obviously im lucky, I had an excellent relationship with my parents. Don't fret too much jen. I suppose children can be as disappointed in their parents as parents can be of their children .

[ummmm]

It does seem as though your mum expects you to be you....a concerning daughter. So when your brother does something out of the ordinary he's being praised for it. It's a bit like praise the good behavior and ignore the bad.