is my husband unreasonable

[nic..nic32]

my husband has 5 children from previous relationships i have 2 from 1 relationship.we got married last year in the carribean it was fab even though i was 5 months pregnant with my 3rd and his 6th child,i had her the end of december last year. two of my husbands kids live down south and we have them for 2weeks in the summer holidays until the eldest 15 was kicked out by his mother begining of january and my husband brought him to live with us this was hard as my baby was a couple of weeks old and i was really tired all the time,my huband wants me to act like his parent and i can't so i let my husband deal with everything to do with his son,because of this he says i dont care about his kids and that i dont like them even though i allow them all in our home which was mine first at any given time,is he being unreasonable by causing arguments over this and stressing me out more than i already am with the stresses of a new baby

[noxlumos]

Actually I thinki it sounds as if he loves you very very much and is finding it hard to get his head around why you don't feel you want to parent his elder child.

My second wife took me and my sons on ( but we were a package from the start, she didn't have a child suddenly thrust upon her unexpectedly) and i have to say that she has always treated my sons exactly as if they were her own which is the only way I'd want it.Likewise I treated her son from a previous realtionship in the same way.

I would have felt very awkward if she had not treated them as her own as it would have created a division of loyalty which I would have found very difficult to deal with.

I'm not unsympathetic to you at all as I know how taxing a baby is, but I think you need to explore exactly why you feel the need to differentiate between your own child and your husbands child and then have a good talk together and try to get to the bottom of it.

[nic..nic32]

thanks for your view but i do treat him the same as my kids except when it comes to disciplining him i think this should be my husbands dutie as he leaves my kids to me,the reason his mum kicked him out is cos he was kicked out of school ,drinking,smoking and getting into trouble,should i have to deal with this

[electricblue]

No but a relationship is a two man team,try sitting your husband down and explaining it to him just as you have on here,tell him how you feel about it,that you love him and his kids are part and parcel of him but you are trying to cope with a new baby and the kids and the house and you feel you're not able to sort out this boys problems too,you need to set some ground rules with the boy AND with each other,the boy is probably feeling confused and at 15 the whole world is against you,Do you go out as a family,could the boy help with the baby?You have all got to understand the other or the situation will only get worse,good luck!

[dancealot13]

I could not agree more with Noxlumos and electricblue. It's very interesting the way you worded your story "My husband wants me to act like his parent and i can't..." Nic..nic32- You should be, because you ARE his step-parent. You also wrote "I ALLOW them all in our home which was mine first". That comment makes me think you may feel a bit invaded by his children. Two weeks to see some of his kids in the summer is nothing.- and then regarding the young boy drinking..well if you treat them as your own children (like you said you do) then wouldn't you deal with it and attempt to help him? Because you just wrote "Should I have to deal?" Well you do have to help him, I wouldn't word it as "dealing", he's a young boy (and your step-son) going down the wrong path. I think your husband may have some good points. You both have to come to an understanding soon because big problems will occur down the road.

[noxlumos]

hi again nic nic, my point is you are a family yet you are acting like cliques within the same house. If you are a family then you need to let your husband be father to all your children in every way including discipline just as you should be mother to them all in every way including disciplining your step son.

His natural mother is clearly unable to cope as she kicked him out which is an unacceptable thing to do to a 15 year old and as electric blue and dancealot says you seem resentful of the fact that you have to "deal" with him so the kid's behaviour is only going to go downhill if you don't all act as a single unit and make this work. It's not easy, we have a total of 9 children between us and there have been times when things were very difficult but if you are divided then things will go down hill, so try and talk it through and act more together on this and it'll all work out ok.

[nic..nic32]

thanks all for your views which i will take to mind but at the end of the day my husband does not father my kids he says they have a father and he should deal with them not him, i have 2 teenagers 15 and 13 so i know what teenagers are like,he is not hear most of the time as he works all day goes the pup goes to football on a saturday then the pup on a sunday,i didnt mind having the kids for two weeks in the summer we even pay for them to come abroad with us. i just dont think he is pulling his weight and he expects me to do it all, go back to work in 2months and i want to spend this precious time with the baby is that so wrong?

[noxlumos]

hi again, no that's not wrong at all, perfectly right that you want to spend time with your baby, but you've just explained for the first time that the problem lies deeper than your step son coming to live with you. You clearly feel overwhelmed and as if your husband is not taking on board what you need and leaving you to do everything, so I think the last thing you need to worry about is your step son, but rather the communication you have with your partner. My advice is the same however it'll never get better if it's not talked about. He needs to be there for you more and he needs to understand that, talk to him and try to resolve it and make him understand that you all need to be a family as you can't do it singlehanded.

[Pippa68]

I'm with the other posters here..I am a stepmum & my husband is a stepdad ~ we have 5 children between us (two of them are our own bio kiddies) from experience I can say that 9 times out of 10 the problems had with step parenting is due to the parents relationship problems (whether those problems are acknowledged or not is irrelevant).

It is very easy to create a 'them & us' scenario which all the kids pick up on. You may be giving off the 'I accept you into my home' signals without realising it ~ in turn the step child can be thinking 'hang on, why can't it be me accepting you' as has already been mentioned having a holiday once a year isn't enough for you to all to get to know each other properly & there is a lot of groundwork to catch up on, I think.

It is a tough job..nobody told me it would be easy but they didn't say it would be this hard either! you have to be united ~ if you don't then it is poijntless I'm afraid.

[dancealot13]

nic..nic32- If he isn't holding his weight then he needs to step up to the plate and be a man. You should not feel like you have all the responsibility, he should be home with you. Also, it is totally unfair for him to have double standards- he wants YOU to be a parent to his kids, but he doesn't think he needs to participate with your son?

Although, maybe that is because your ex is around to be a father for your children more then your husbands ex wife is? If that is the case, I can understand why your husband would be hesitant. There is a happy medium for all of this. It just takes more communication, and compromise.

And YES you should be enjoying every second with the baby, and so should he.