13 weeks pregnant & abortion

[Frozenpeas]

Hi.

I'm currently 13 weeks pregnant. It wasn't planned and to start with we were planning on having an abortion. Neither of us wanted a baby. Then as time went on we changed our minds. My partner said he thought we should keep it and I began to accept the idea of being a mum. I spent time looking up info on the net and have become really excited. I've had a couple of scans too and saw it move and it's tiny feet!! My family all know and are excited too - looking forward to having 4 generations in the same room.

A couple of weeks ago my partner turned round after spending a day or 2 being very silent and told me he'd changed his mind and he didn't think we should have a baby but he still wasn't sure. I thought this was just a moment as I occasionally have them too where I wonder if I'm doing the right thing and I think I don't want it but it normally passes.

He said no more about it so I assumed Iwas right - he was just having a moment of doubt. Then 2 nights ago he told me again that this time he is 99% sure he doesn't want a baby and in fact doesn't ever want kids. He's worried they'll take away his freedom.

Now I don't know what to do. I can't have it without him. I just couldn't cope. He'd probably try to stick by me for a while but he'd get cold feet and leave. I've got so far with this pregnany and become so excited as have my family. I don't know if I can cope with an abortion at this stage.

[Goodsoulette]

I have had a baby in a similar circumstance but I have also had an abortion. I was 21 and at a similar gestation my boyfriend who begged me to k eep the baby then upped and left. I went to see my doctor who literally begged me not to burden yself with a child, as did my mother but I Went against the grain and willingly became a single mum. You cope, children are very rewarding. After I had my wonderful little lad, I also had an abortion, thanks to put back and put back it was a later one, like you would have to have now.

In all honesty you have to make this decision today or tomorrow. Despite what people think it will be very hard to get a termination of pregnancy past 15 weeks without a medical reason and you wouldnt want to either. It is your pregnancy but by telling a doctor today you dont want to continue with your pregnancy you have a better chance of getting it.

[Psychick]

I you feel you cant go through with having an abortion....... then do have one! You cant have one just because he wants you to have one. You say you couldnt cope alone, but it sounds like you have a wonderful and supporting family........ have you talked to them, maybe ask if you have their continued support and back up?
Can I ask how old you and your partner are? Do you think maybe as time goes on he will feel differently and want the baby, after all, he said 99% so 1% of him is still wanting it by the sounds of it.
Talk to your family and your partner and then see how you feel. If you still have doubts about going through an abortion......... then dont, keep the baby.

Good luck.

[Goodsoulette]

Oh and we havent seen hide nor hair of Jay's dad since the day he walked out on us.

[Ice-Maiden]

frozenpeas - I think this is why the abortion debate rages on. You've seen your baby move, and know that he or she is a real little person. I feel for you, knowing that if you have this child, you might end up as a single parent, but also you say that you couldn't cope without your partner, so it seems to me as though you might not be ready to be a mum, whether your partner's around or not. I think you should listen to your heart - not what HE wants you to do. So many women have abortions, only to regret what they've done. If you choose not to have this baby, then I hope you use reliable contraception in future, but in your shoes, I know what I'd do.

[jno]

Psychick, never rely on a 1% chance. That just shows he can't even commit himself to not committing himself. Men.

[redcrx]

if you dont want to go through with the abortion and want to keep the baby then you need to tell him this, its your body. It may mean that you go it alone or he may change his mind but you wont know until you talk to him about your feelings.

you need to be prepared for the situation of being a single parent though.

[Frozenpeas]

Im 22 and he's 32. He also has an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship. He left before she was born because he didn't want a child but she wanted to keep it. He very rarely see's her - maybe twice a year.

He says he'd try to stand by me if I keep it. He feels really guilty for walking out on his daughter but I think he would still do it again.

I keep thinking maybe he'll change his mind once it's here but I'm too scared that he wont.

[Frozenpeas]

Oh and I've tried talking to my family but they don't seem to understand the poblem. They just say he'll change his mind.

[Psychick]

Frozenpeas, there is one question you need to be asking yourself right now......... do you want this baby? If you do, keep it. I hate to point it out, as you obviously do really love him, but do you ever want kids? If you do, Im afraid it sounds like youre with the wrong man.

[gina32]

seems as tho he cant commit to anyone, just decide for yourself what you really want and not him, it sounds like you have a loving caring family behind you.

[beryllium]

Why are men so utterly pathetic?

You've now seen your baby moving on the screen. It is now no longer you just being pregnant.

How will you cope if you go ahead with the temination? and are you prepared to never have children with this bloke?....

[4getmenot]

Was it just a mistake or did neither of you use protection, if you didnt bit silly, and if you were on pill but he doesnt want children he should have known better and worn a condom!! OOh that makes me so mad. I'm sorry that you are now in this situation, if you are really against abortion then you shouldnt do it no matter what he decides

[lilyfrog]

I agree with Psychick. f you want the baby then you keep it.

Make it clear to him that he can be as involved as he wants, but he is either involved 100% from now on and never mentions not wanting the baby again, or he leaves and lets you get on with raising your child with the support of your family.

It sounds really harsh but the thought that maybe you will keep or terminate a baby to keep your boyfriend happy just horrifies me.

Oh and think of this, can you really look your family in the eye and tell them you terminated this baby because your (flaky sounding) boyfriend changed his mind. Do you think you could be happy together wit him in the future knowing that you terminate your child because he changed his mind about wanting a kid (again) and can you really expect your family to accept him in to the fold knowing that you terminated their grandchild because he changed his mind.

I am getting on my soap box now, but this man has to realize that his children are people with rights and expectations in life and a decision that should be made with a little more care than the decision of what curry to order from the take away. Don't get me wrong, I am pro-choice but using the abortion system as a back up when you feel you can't be arsed to commit to your decisions is just plain wrong. It is the attitude of this man that gives the pro-lifers fuel for fire.

Sorry to get so heated, but at 33 weeks pregnant I have a mixture of surging hormones, strong opinions of bringing a babies in to the world and a teeny hatred of the men that think their commitment is completed once they have rolled off you. There are too many women that find themselves in your situation with a man flinging his hands in the air and claiming its not his problem.

Grrrrrrrr, where is redcrx to calm me down when I need it!

[redcrx]

lilyfrog i was just about to say that you wrote that very well. Its exactly what Id like to put but my pregnancy brain means i can only talk with words of very few sylables! but if you want me to say 'calm down' i will lol

Frozenpeas, dont let such a man dictate your future in such a way. Go with your own wishes as its you that will have to live the life afterwards.

[lilyfrog]

Thanks redcrx, I wondered if I had gone to fr, but upon reading it again I stand by it all!

[Frozenpeas]

Just thought I should point out I was on the pill but it was my 1st month after a change of contraception and I've had problems with my cycle (going from really long to really short so your never quite sure where it's at).

[redcrx]

then extra precautions would have been wise then if neither of you wanted a child.

But then hindsight is a wonderful thing and mistakes do happen. Its how we deal with them that make us the people we are.

I really cant see this guy changing, hes left one child already and is wanting you to terminate this pregnancy, are you prepared to live with a guy who NEVER wants kids?

You have a lot of thinking to do, and quickly. if you do decide on abortion then you really cant leave it long.

[Psychick]

I just want to pick up on this point about your partner not being there for his first child. If he has not been there for her and doesnt see her regulary, I doubt he will with this one. Just be prepared that, if you do go ahead and have the baby, he is not likely to stick around. But dont let that put you off. There are plenty of us here who have at some stage, been a single mum or still are a single mum. Myself included. I left my daughters father when she was just 15 months old. I too fell whilst on the pill after a bout of illness. He was adament he didnt want her and wanted me to have an abortion. I knew I couldnt do that and said Im keeping it. I even offered to leave him to make life easier for him! But he wanted me to stay and we tried. Well, I did anyway. Things just got worse til I decided it was best for me and my daughter for us to go. He stayed in regualr contact for a year, til I met someone else. Then totally vanished from her life. The sad reality is, he never wanted her, just me, and would even use seeing her as an excuse me. And once he knew he couldnt have me, he was out of there!

My one regret was not leaving him before I had had my daughter. I wish I had done it alone.

[warpig3]

frozenpeas I really feel for you in this difficult situation but as has been said - You must do what YOU feel is right, not what you think he wants or what he wants you to do.

I had an abortion many years ago because my partner at the time (of 5 years) said he did not know where he was going to be in the future, I just couldnt face the thought of being a single parent and knew that there would be a huge amount of grief from my family so I had the abortion. With hindsight I am pretty sure that I and my child would have been fine without my boyfriend and that my family would have come round.

It would appear that your boyfriend is not the type to comitt but you do have the support and love of your family. think about what you want, taking him out of the equation completely as he has already opted out anyway. good luck whatever you decide.

[GIRL RACERS]

the first child didnt get in the way of his freedom !!!!!!

if you have been excited by your pregnancy, you are not someone who dosnt want kids. yes of course pregnancey and babies are scarey,
as is spending your life with this kind of man.

you need to make some very important choices and very soon.

i'm with lilyfrog 100% all the way.

best of luck love x x x x