Selfish Children

[Val121]

Can anyone advise on the situation I am in. I have three non married adult children aged 21yr /24yr and 28yrs,they all work and live 5 miles away, but never bother too visit me unless they want something, mainly money or to be bailed out of a situation.
Each has gradualy returned too living with my ex, who allows them too trash his house, get him serously in debt and drink with him into the small hours.
I raised them for 9 years as a single/working parent and run a strict household with boundries. I am always there if they need me and as a nurse, have good listening skills.
I am devastated that since moving into my new home, I have had no visit from the boys or help whatso ever..but my daughter has visited a few times and has now fled since, I challenged her about paying me back, the extensive lump sum (my savings) I lent her too travel around Australia 1 year ago.
She states she cannot even afford to give me back a moderate sum from her salery.
I now feel isolated and devasdtyated by there neglect.

[yelenots]

I too have three children, the eldest son being 22yrs. Since he was around 15 he seems to hold something against me and is rude and disrespectful to me again only speaking to me when he wants something-money! In Jan he moved in with his girlfriends parents and now we only see him when he feels like it, yet he'll spend loads of time at his Dads house with his family and they are think he's wonderful this upsets me so much. My daughter and other son are lovely so like you I just dont know where I have gone wrong. I lent him money to bail him out and eventually got it all back on Mothers Day, it was my present! He is hoping to move back home in Sept as his g'friend is off to Uni - I am dreading this as he just doesnt speak to us and the atmosphere is awful, its a relief when he goes out. He wont like the fact we'll be charging him rent either! I feel so upset by all this that sometimes I just sit and cry.

[BeaverDiva]

Don't blame yourselves for how your children have turned out - being in their 20s they probably just haven't grown up properly yet, and given a choice between a "strict household with boundaries" and a father who allows them to trash his house and drink with him into the small hours, i don't know many 20 somethings who would take the first option. But - they're taking it too far now and their neglect of you is shocking - particularly your daughter who owes you so much money. I would make yourself unavailable to them. Tell your daughter you expect her to stick to her original promise to repay the money (which I presume happened) as you need to the money to do your own travelling (or something else). Next time one of them turns up at your door, pretend you were just about to go out - bad timing, but i have a life of my own you know!

Yelenots - if your dreading him coming back so much, tell him he can't unless his attitude towards you changes. How dare he think he can treat you like that and then move back in whenever it suits him. Its your home! He's 22 - tell him to start acting it!

Please both - don't let these upstarts think they're better than you or that you owe them anything! I moved out at 18 and moved back in for 6 months when i was 22 - and i had nothing but respect for my parents and their home during that time - i'm sure if i hadn't, i'd have been out on my ear too! Sorry for my rant - but your "adult children" certainly don't seem to be very adult...... keep us posted ! x

[brenda]

I have been thinking a long time before replying to your post, because I do not think you will like my reply , and I would not wish to upset you.
The answer to your problem to me is simple --1. cut off all funds as of now.2 -let your daughter know just how selfish she is and that you expect to be paid back by whatever date you set.3 set about organising your own life-- do you have some friends , do you socialise a little -- if not then do something about it.
I realise that you work and may not have a lot of free time , but spend some of the time you have solely on yourself-- that is called me time.
You need to accept that your children at the moment are totally self -centred and that there is nothing you can do to change that at present, so stop beating yourself up about it -- you have nothing to prove.
Toughen up , stop allowing yourself to be treated as a doormat, you only get one life so begin to enjoy it.
One step at a time will do it.Anyone who can work as a nurse day in day out is really quite a strong and valuable person.
PS -- change your locks if you feel you need to.Good luck Brenda

[Val121]

Many thanks for the very frank advice, it was along these lines I was thinking anyway.
But it is brillient too have had a sounding board.Thanks to each of you who contributed....