My Daughter...and Her Dad

[pastafreak]

I know I've written on here before about lilpasta and her somewhat distant father. She has often found it difficult to get the quality time with him that she would like. Thus gas not improved...in fact, maybe it's worse. As she lives in London and works in a demanding job, her visits are not that frequent...she stays with me and meets up with him. But all too often it's a quick drink, and he cuts the meeting short. He "has to go".
Christmas had always been the only opportunity for a longer visit...but the atmosphere was often somewhat strained...the " new" wife would not communicate, or would speak only of her son. Would never show interest in lilpasta or her life. There were several instances of marital rows in DDs presence. She has never simply been invited for a meal. She always stays at mine...which I'm am happy with. But...every occasion results in her feeling discomfort. It came to a head Christmas eve. They met in a restaurant...this has become the norm. She felt she was "expecting" things to go pear shaped...they did...
The discussion turned to living in London, prices of beer, food...etc. lilpasta explained that one just gets used to it.
The wife made some disparaging remarks about London, and those who live there...along the lines of people "showing off". DD explained that one just gets used to it. Wife made a face to dad " whateverrrr. "...DD took offence...and ended up leaving the table. Both she and I feel that, though this was not major, she'd just had enough. Now she feels bad...though she mentioned to her dad before going that his wife made her feel very uncomfortable every time.
I've advised her to email dad...and explain her feelings...while emphasising she feels no animosity. What more can she do? Any advice please?

[Old_Geezer]

I see nothing wrong with an e-mail. It's just a modern day electronic form of the old fashioned paper based letter. He can print it out if he wants.

She can say what a poor effort he's made regarding their relationship, and what a rude attitude his wife had, and that, that was the last straw. And how she feels she can't rely on any support from him given past experience. Then leave it. If he doesn't want to make an effort then his loss.

[ummmm]

She knows him best but I wouldn't email someone with their failings. It could send him straight on the defensive and make matters worse.

If you're going to tell someone how shabby they have been they need to hear it face to face so they can see the emotion involved and not just words on a screen.

Just my opinion though.

[EDDIE51]

A real hand written letter needs a lot more effort than an email, a letter is so much more personal and 'special' than an email.
We are in danger of losing the art of letter writing with the modern reliance on email and sites like Twitter and Face Book.

[pastafreak]

The emails passed between myself and my brother take just as much effort and thought as the letters we used to send. But, they are a lot less tiring to execute for those of us with joint problems.
As far as I'm concerned, the "art" of letter writing still exists...it's only what we write on or with that is fluid.
As for my daughter sending an email...at 32 it's her choice. I say whichever is easiest for expressing what she chooses to say.

[jno]

I agree with ummmm. All very well wanting a relationship, but if the other person doesn't want one, you're stuffed. She's lucky she's got you, so she's not been orphaned, she's just got a dead beat dad. It must be hurtful to realise he doesn't care about her, but she can't change that, only he can, and he doesn't want to.

[bednobs]

the great thing about being an adult is that you can choose who you have a relationship with. He seems to be choosing. He didnt even contact her after she upped and left ... he is choosing

[woofgang]

I think its very sad but ooooo this is going to sound nasty...... its time that she realises that she is unlikely in the extreme that she will get the relationship with her dad that she wants and that A, THIS IS NOT HER FAULT and B, its not something that she can change. I have seen a similar situation between my late DH and his brother, now also dead. He didn't appear to have any feelings or empathy and behaved in the same way to his mother. In the end they (DH and my MiL) decided that he wasn't worth the pain that he caused them and they cut him out of their lives.

[Cloverjo]

I think she should leave it. Her dad has shown he can't be bothered to make the effort to have a good relationship with your daughter.

My son's dad is the same. He couldn't be bothered with my son most of the time while he was growing up, and then wondered why he wasn't invited to his wedding! My son doesn't bother with him now, and is very happy with the family he's got - who have always been there for him.

[Gromit]

// I take it he's not stupid so he knows. //

The evidence suggests he is. The daughter comes to see her father not his wife. He should leave the new wife at home. Sounds as though the new wife doesn’t want to be there also.

I would not send a letter or email. And next time there is a meeting, your daughter should insist on no audience, just her father alone.

[Peter Pedant]

// I see nothing wrong with an e-mail. //
neither do I - I have just had an email saying that gt-nephew's business that I invested in to give the fella a chance has just gone bust

and you know what ? I am not thinking - oo it would be much better if it were in a nicely written letter.

and you know what more ? I would shoot both of them quite honestly. It is obvious that her Daiddy aint gonna play Fathers and Daughters - either today or next year or ever. So she should go on inviting - it is her doing the invitations isnt she ? and just limiting it to three hours

[pixie374]

I think she should contact him, in whichever way she prefers- purely for her own peace of mind, that she knows she has done everything she can. She can say it is her last attempt (if it is) and that she will leave it in his hands and hopes he can work it out and that she will hear from him soon.
Unfortunately, it does look like she isn't going to get anywhere, but at least it will prove to her it isn't her fault (we already know that- it's probably not so easy for her).
Good luck to her xx

[woofgang]

Gromit...from a similar circumstance with a close friend of mine, it sounds very much as though the new wife does want to be there to keep tabs on hubby and prevent any relationship between hubby and daughter......