Gender Acceptance

[anaxcrosswords]

I've no idea if this will end up as a question, an observation, or just me venting.
My daughter is at uni. She came up and spent a week or so with me up until Christmas Eve, when her mother collected her. As ever, that week was happy, relaxed, fun. My daughter had planned to bring friends over to my place for NYE. That changed – instead there was a party at a friend's house and she asked if I'd take her there. No problem, but it was quite a distance. They were having a pub meal before the party and I suggested joining them, to break up my journey and have at least an hour or so of NYE with her. Absolutely fine, and we all had a good laugh. The plan beyond that was to drive her back to her digs 10 days later so I could take her to the supermarket and fill up the food cupboards.
Some days later the ex sent a text, asking if I could be guarantor for off-campus digs my daughter is moving to later this year. Unfortunately – and for complicated reasons – it wasn't something I could do, but over the next couple of weeks my mum stepped in and did something amazing. The agent accepted a 6-months in advance rental payment in lieu of guarantor. My mum even paid the deposit for a friend of my daughter moving to the same place but unable to raise funds herself. My mum knows nothing of this friend beyond her first name. The payment was about £2,600.
The result of all that? Apart from my ex sending a cursory 'thank you' text to my mum, an almost total blank from both her and my daughter. My daughter disappeared from social media, even from my PS4 friends list, and even changed her mobile number. The ex kept her mobile switched off.
Then the stories started. According to my ex, I 'had a go' at my daughter while she was here and 'hid' her stocking filler presents. I was 'ignoring her'. I'd 'gatecrashed' her NYE party. None of this nonsense was texted to me – all to my mum. And the worst part, after pointing out this was all patently untrue? Another text to my mum calling me a liar.
I had a letter from my daughter this morning. In it she came out as transgender, and explained her absence from my life over the past 2 months was because of fear of rejection.
Well, she now knows how absurd that is, but this post is about the damage that has been done, largely through fear, and done by her mother. The invented stories were a smokescreen, a ploy to explain away my daughter's rejection of contact. In a way, I guess it's understandable if fear is the motivation, but what really hurts right now is that making up stories wasn't enough. By making the false allegations to my mum she was maliciously trying to create division within my own family, going from 'protecting' her daughter to trying to damage me.
That sounds selfish, as if I'm switching the focus away from my daughter and onto me. But I'm mentioning it for a reason. My daughter's decision to come out should never have been a problem. And right up until Christmas Eve my relationship with the ex had always been positive; whenever we were in contact (texts or when I collected/dropped off my daughter) it was friendly, chatty, all very informal and comfortable. I now find myself in a dark place. To say I hate her is possibly too strong, but I will never forgive what she has done, and I never want to be in contact with her again. I'm not used to having those feelings; I always try to be positive.
It has made me think differently about the relationship between society and those whose gender orientation might not, in the past, have been anything like as accepted as is the case now. Numerous groups seek to educate society as whole, to encourage that acceptance, and that's all fine and dandy. But this episode has made me wonder if there should also be better attempts to encourage coming out, to reduce the fear that still seems prevalent. Because when it's hidden, and when stories are invented to cover things up, the resulting damage, sometimes collateral, can be devastating.
Thank you for reading.

[albaqwerty]

you poor soul. (I know you haven't posted this for sympathy but you're getting some of mine)

There are too many possibles to consider :
Daughter was not confident in sharing with her mum so 'stories' were told to mum and this made her angry with you hence the texts to your own mother?

Maybe Mum knew/suspected and devised some obscure texts to your mum in some way to blame you for your daughter.

You're right, Hate is too strong a word and is soul-destroying, it eats you up from the inside, try not to (easier said than done)

Society in general and as a whole should be more understanding of individuals but there is such a long way to go.

I wish you and your daughter all the very best.

[Mamyalynne]

It's true to say that most of us don't know how we'd react in a situation like this, but most definitely it should not have caused these divisions - rather the opposite, something you could have all worked through together.

I hope that with time some rebuilding with your Daughter is both possible and wonderful.x

[Lie-in King]

You've been dumped on from a great height & I too can only offer my best wishes to you & your daughter & hope that - together - you're able to mend some fences.

B

[anaxcrosswords]

Thankfully, my daughter and I will be as close as ever. It just saddens me that her mother's lies have been so damaging. My relationship with her is ultimately unimportant, but I'd prefer it to not now be negative, because it was never like that.

[Lie-in King]

The extraneous 'B' is meaningless, apologies.

[Rosie29]

I also really feel for you and send you many best wishes.

[murraymints]

Life's too short to have such toxicity in your life... draw a line..move on ..

[KARL]

One of the most important maxims to follow in order to maintain balance in life and of the mind is to remember that if there is a solution to a problem then why worry ? If there is no solution then it is pointless worrying about it because you can't do anything about the problem anyway. Alternatively, just learn how to identify things beyond your control/influence which you cannot do anything about. Set them aside on the shelf because, exactly this, there is nothing you can do - murraymints put it more bluntly than I would choose to.

As anyone who has wrongly, even brutally, been set upon or subjected to baseless rejection knows, it doesn't help to dwell on it. One has to accept that it is very real and possibly permanent so one simply has to deal with it. The only question which arises is how to proceed - whether to withdraw or not, total withdrawal or react if/when contacted and then how. That's one for you to decide, some may find it easiest to become effectively incommunicado others to behave as nothing ever happened, yet others somewhere in between (more complex).

There are easier and more comfortable positions to find oneself in and nobody envies you for it.

[bednobs]

i think the only thing within youe control is to talk to her about how it's made you feel (if you can bear to)
it would probablry be the best outcome for your daughter - it's going to be hard enough becoming a man, let alone her parents not getting along