Tim Vine Puns

[DTCwordfan]

I didn't tell you that I've recently got a job as putting a spout on a teapot.
I'm the pourer for it


The other day, someone said, "Can I have three chairs for my patio?"
I said, "Well, what's so good about that deal?"

[sanmac]

Not Tim Vine, but how about buying four candles in the local DIY store?

[jno]

conjunctivitis.com, that's a site for sore eyes

[tonyav]

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

[marval]

"I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: 'He’s trying to pull a fast one.'"

[Ellipsis]

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

[tonyav]

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

[sanmac]

I found the one I was thinking about at the top of this page:

[Patsy33]

"I was steering this yacht with my stomach muscles, I was absailing"...

[marval]

"I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said: 'It depends where you’re calling from."

[Ellipsis]

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He said "Baah" and I said "Moo" He said "You're nearest"

[vetuste_ennemi]

On the Day of Judgment, when the recording angel reads out the charges against them, his parents should use the example of their younger son to offset if only in part their major sin. They could get a reduced sentence.

[marval]

"I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy."

[vetuste_ennemi]

[vetuste_ennemi]

My favourite composer is Handel. Later formed up with Hinge and Bracket to form the Doors.