What To Tell The Kids

[Brutale]

My wife and I have been on the verge of splitting up for at least the last 10 years. We've got 2 kids (13 and 14) and have stayed together for their benefit. It hasn't been particularly traumatic as we don't argue or fight etc, we go on holiday and run a business together from home so are together all the time. We did counselling for the last year and although there were some good ideas coming out of it, neither of us could be bothered to put any effort into making things any better. Although we've trundled along for so long I'm thinking I don't want to keep wasting all this time being miserable. There's nobody else involved and I really don't want to move out of the family home, work is based from here anyway so I'd have to be here a lot of the time and it seems silly to pay for another property to go back to just for somewhere else to sleep (I already have the spare room anyway). So the main point of my question is what we should say to the kids, if anything at all. They have to realise that things aren't particularly normal with us but would it help them if they knew we don't really get on anymore, we tolerate each other to keep the status quo and probably will get divorced at some point in the not very distant future?

[Bobbisox1]

truth always, Kids can be resilient if it's handled properly, you tell them that you will always be there no matter what and adults drift apart and that you and their mother have done this but other than being divorced, you will always be in their lives, at 13 and 14 they will be able to understand about relationships I would think, I wish you good luck

[AuntPollyGrey]

https://www.gov.uk/divorce
and back to you Zacs - if the OP wishes to remain in the family home with his children and wife, his only choice for grounds is that they have been separated for two years. You can do this separation while living together, but you have to prove it to the Court, and your spouse has to agree in writing.

[AuntPollyGrey]

No one is advocating telling them lies. Just correct and truthful information as and when needed or asked for.

[Bobbisox1]

another bit of advice Never disrespect /call your wife to her children even when they are older, in fact , never

[teacake44]

Always speak the truth I do.

[AuntPollyGrey]

They are not 'her' children they are 'their' children.

[Zacs-Master]

In such circumstances, where both parties want the divorce, Unreasonable behaviour would be cited as a ‘fact’ in the proceedings.

[AuntPollyGrey]

You are presuming the wife wants a divorce. Anyway this is off topic and not chatterbank. I'm sure the links provided may be of interest to the OP, although the question was about how to talk to his children about the failing relationship, not how to procure a divorce.

[Bobbisox1]

APG, Yes I do agree , they're' both of their children , a typo on my part

[tamborine]

Am with Canary. If you cant live with your wife them leave & start divorce but beware your wife keeps the house till kids are over 18y.

[andres]

Not traumatic,don't argue,don't fight,work together,go on family holidays,no-one else involved. Seems pretty normal but for the lack of intimacy and you sleeping in the spare room. The only thing you haven't mentioned is your wife's attitude towards you and does she miss the intimacy in your marriage.

[jno]

I don't know - if you're running a stable and efficient household, loving the kids if not each other, and with nothing specially unsettling them, I'd be sticking with it till they got through their GCSEs at least. Failing exams they could have passed won't help their future lives. But if they're already aware something's up, then yes, might be better to explain to them.

[Brutale]

Thanks everyone for the input. Just to answer a couple of points raised. I think I'm in a better position to manage the kids, if my wife was to move out I don't think she'd manage on her own very well, not due to incompetence just general stuff and loneliness. She's pretty well looked after at the moment and isn't very proactive. I wouldn't want to put her in that position and I'd be very comfortable in isolation if it came to me moving away.
She's also in a state of denial or indifference, I can't decide which one it is. One of the main issues we have is the non-physical intimacy, we don't talk to each other about anything, even after counselling where we had loads of tasks and ideas to get us talking just fell flat. I think one of the reasons things have gone on like this for so long is that I thought it was just me that wanted out, but now it seems like it's very mutual even though she maintains that splitting up is not what she wants. I'm sure there's an element of what people, and especially her family, would say. When I mentioned separating previously the first question from her was what would happen with the house so I think downsizing is a bigger concern.
Waiting for GCSEs has been my plan for a number of years, it seems like as it gets closer it's becoming more difficult though, like when Christmas suddenly becomes exciting when you see Santa hats in Tesco (unless it's August of course when that just drives you nuts!!!)

[AuntPollyGrey]

Brutale You can't 'put your wife in that position' over the house as whatever happens she has the legal right to stay in the family home with your children until the youngest one attains 16. If you are so capable of an independent life, and seem to want it much more than your wife, then why not just leave? Then it will be much easier to explain you your children , you will be happier and I'm sure your wife will cope without you...…...

[bednobs]

surely whoever the custodial parent is has a right to stay in the house with the children?

[AuntPollyGrey]

Not if joint custody is granted, and, sexist as it may seem, the wife would have to be either proved incapable of looking after the children, or agree to it, for sole custody to be given to the father.

[Carakeel]

I think the truth is by far the best option. Your children are old enough to understand. But you two need to sit down ahead of telling them and agree not to try to score points in front of the children. Be kind to each other in front of them and reassure them that you will both always be there for them. Most importantly - mean it! Don't let them down! Make a pact with your OH to at least remain civil and friendly to each other and to be honest and open. It doesn't matter what has happend that got you to this point. All that matters is that eveything you do from now on is done with kindness and respect. This will give your children confidence and possibly you two a friendship that will last. Best wishes.