Love

[reddster]

I split up wih my boyfriend after 4 years, and it hurts - a lot! Anyone have any ideas of how to get over it and stop blubbing all the time.

[beenee]

Last year I split up with my bf of 5 years so I know how you probably feel. It's very important that you find comfort and support in good friends - this doesn't mean you keep crying and talking about him to them - just involve yourself in the stuff that you'd normally do with them e.g. shopping, coffees, gossip.

This may be an unhealthy way to do things but it worked for me: whenever you feel a thought of him slipping into your consciousness, make yourself think of the times he made you angry or upset, and tell yourself that you deserve better.

At night when you're feeling lonely, you'll be tempted to think of your time with him. Don't do it! Even if you have to fantasise about your favourite celebrity, do that instead of indulging memories of him, because you'll only wake up in the morning thinking of him and then the misery ruins another new day.

Know that you'll get over him. I read this once and it rand true for me: 'he may have known how to make you feel good, but only you know about the times he made you cry'.

[andy hughes]

The perceived wisdom is that 'time is the great healer', but who ever said that forgot to mention just how much time! Friends and relatives will expect you to be 'over' this break by now - it makes them feel better to think that such devastation is short-lived, even if you know better. As you know, the pain can leave you alone for hours and days, and then stab you as keenly as if it was yesterday. This is the nature of grief and loss, so don't reproach yourself for feeling this way.My colleague's advice is sound in the extreme, based as it is on a similar experience - there is litle I can add to it, except to add my support to hers, and repeat that you will get past this, and to hang on and get better (rather than 'get over') in the time it takes, howeever long that may seem.

[Moog]

By my reckoning while the pain of splitting up never truely leaves you it only takes a matter of weeks to get through the worst. Having discussed this idea with some friends we decided that it works out to be about 2 weeks for every year of the realtionship. What you need to do is ensure you have as much on your plate as possible especially in the first four weeks, be as active as possible. The last time I had to get over someone I planned one thing a week that I wouldn't normally have done because when I was in a relationship... this took up my time as well as gave me something to look forward to. Then late at night when the demons of self doubt come creeping you can keep them at bay with the thoughts of then forthcoming activities that you wouldn't be doing if you were still together, it worked for me in the end and that was a 9 year relationship!

[TommyC]

Surprised no one has mentioned... In your spare time, put yourself actively "on the market" again - no matter HOW bad you feel at first. Go to the places - with plenty of good, close friends - that you used to go for fun before your relationship began, and feel very free to play around all you can with the good-looking guys on a shallow, flirting level. This will very quickly make you feel wonderful about yourself again, along with the hair-do's, the clothes, the shoes, etc..!! Just don't be even tempted to think that you will meet someone else special very quickly, because that's NOT what it's for - Love on the rebound never works out, because you won't be evaluating things clearly. It's purely a device to help you to mask that horrible sadness for those first few months or a year or so until it wears off, and it WILL work if you let it.

[bernardo]

My experience is that the only thing you can do (unfortunately) is wait - it gradually feels less nasty as time passes.

[sft42]

Nope.....I don't have a clue.

Two years ago my finacee told me she was calling off our wedding which was planned for the august that year.........I still feel totally lost, hurt, bewildered and empty......we were together for nearly eight years wihcih is longer than some marriages these days and I find it equally as hard some days now as it did back then.

So basically all I am saying your not alone.......sorry there is no magic wand...I wish there were....don't bother doing this or that which others have suggested.......It might have worked for them bnut who's to say what will work for you?

Do what feels right when it feels right.....if you want to stay in bad and cry all day then do it......

.....and lastly I'm sorry.....no one should have to feel that pain......huuugggs.

[coemgen]

I'm really sorry that you're hurting so much right now and to be honest no words of wisdom and comfort can take away the sting. We've all been where you are now and cried ourselves to sleep at night, it's hell and it's lonely. My wonderful ex walked out on me each time I was pregnant, so although it doesn't mean much, I totally empathise with you. I'm pleased that you are letting all your feelings out, it's much healthier than keeping it bottled up. I rang the Samaritans at least once a week in tears and they were brilliant. You really need to look after yourself now, plan lots of little treats for yourself, it might sound a bit patronising but if you have lots of little things to look forward to, it can help. Do you have lots of supportive friends and family? Make a list of all his bad points and post it on your fridge door. Have a total makeover, new hairstyle etc. Most of all, just take each day at a time and don't push yourself. It may take a while before you start to feel better, but one day you'll realise that you haven't cried for 3 days and you'll know that you're well on the way to recovery. Take care now ; )

[coemgen]

sft42 I'm really sorry to hear about you and your fiancee, I didn't know.

[reddster]

Thanks everyone for your support, and sorry to hear about your misfortunes as well. Maybe it's time to ban this thing called love - unless it comes with a guarantee! I wish my blubbing was just in my bedroom, it's slightly embarassing when someone walks into my office, and I'm all puffy eyed. Thanks again. X

[Tinker]

Just another idea that worked for me; when i split up with my ex boyfriend, I took great comfort in writing down how i felt. I used to write letters to him explaining how I felt about him and our relationship. Of course, I never posted them but they were a good way to let my feelings out and understand exactly how I felt about everything. I know exactly how you feel, like how you think the pain will last forever............but it doesn't, I promise. Much love to you xxxxx

[fennster]

Unfortunatly it takes time. It took me 2 and a half years to start to get my head back together. Don't take this negatively though, it will get better.