To take a wedding date or not?

[Daisybabe]

One of my oldest, closest friends is getting married soon (he's male, I'm female) and I've been invited to his wedding. The thing is, since he met this girl five months ago, I have barely heard from him and seen him only once when he literally invited me to 'pass my approval'. Its also a little awkward as he met her soon after I turned him down after him professing his love after years of friendship. (I love him, just not in THAT way)

I understand that in new relationships your friendships lapse slightly, but to ignore calls and emails from not just me but ALL your friends and then profess ignorance when called on it, just makes me annoyed. And the fact that he swore blind that no woman (or man for me) would stand in the way of our friendship and now he's done just exactly that - makes me scream 'hypocrite!'

I want him to be happy in this marriage (despite the haste) but also want one of my closest friends back (I realise I'll get calls of being selfish here!) as I miss him dreadfully. So, the original question - do I go to the wedding (as none of our other friends have been invited) and, if so, do I take someone as my date??

[Neenee]

ok, things do change when you becomes involed with a new love. and all time and energy is spent with that person.

friends should always be there no matter what , even if your not called up on aas and when you think you should be!

he obviously has invited you, so ofcourse go to the wedding.. and he he has included for you to take a guest, well by all means do so, surely it doesnt have to be a man.. couldnt you take a female friend... he is getting married after all, so im not sure if he would be that bothered on his wedding say if you turn up with a bloke or a woman to be honest.

you have to remember also that weddings are not cheap, and he has chosen a selected few to the wedding... so as you say you were very close, and he has chosen you as his closest friend to share his special day.

go and enjoy, your friends special day, its a day out thats been paid for... and he obviously would like you to be part of that.

[Daisybabe]

Thanks for your response neenee

I think I'm just mad that he's being a hypocrite after saying one thing, and behaving another way.

I will probably go. Its a strange one as its a morning registry wedding not anywhere near where they live and then only later did they find a restaurant for lunch reception.

I did want to take one of my female friends but wasn't sure what the ettiquette for that was - and he's not responding to calls or emails so I can't ask him if its ok!!

[Neenee]

daisy,

yeah i do understand what you mean, its not easy to think you feel that a friend you once had who you were very close to , is no longer there in that way anymore, but sadly things do change.

but i agree, he at least could respond , especially if your asking things as regards his wedding day.... i guess he must be busy help planning his day!

[Rubyrose]

I'd go... because if you don't then you will give him a reason to contact you even less and also show him that you are being petty and his new wife will see underlying issues in the friendship and she will start to dislike you. Don't make it easier for him to stop contacting you. Make it difficult. Be nice, friendly and buy them a gift and when he is feeling low one day he will remember the friend who was nice to him and give you a call. After all.... you are preparing to give up on a friendship that has been around for years.... maybe he isn't calling an end to it... he just needs a break!

[Rubyrose]

I know it hurts though as my ex was with me for 5yrs and the whole time he said we'd be friends forever and that I was his best mate in the whole world. Then he ended our relationship because he had found someone else but he swore we would still be friends as he needed me in his life! That was 9 months ago.... I haven't seen him since! I bump into him in town sometimes.... but he bearly speaks!

[Daisybabe]

HI Rubyrose, thanks for your responses. I understand needing a break etc if this guy was my ex, but he certainly isn't - we've never kissed, never dated, never done anything - except be really good friends for eleven years.

The irony is that I was the one preparing him for this eventuality, saying that when either one of us gets involved seriously again, it would affect our friendship. I said we had to take that into account for our plans for group holidays, nights out etc. He swore he wouldn't be affected and nothing would change on his side!!!

I also believe that my two text messages (in five months, so not exactly constant pestering!) were deleted from his phone by his fiance, as last week, he said he hasn't received any messages from me recently.

I purposely gave him space so that he could pursue this relationship - now feel I'm the one who has lost out.

[Rubyrose]

As long as you carry on being the friend you always were and just give him time then he will realise all this on his own. If you start pointing things out to him then he will become more reluctant to see it and might start turning away from you more. Try not to take any offence at all and just act like you always have.... he will realise soon enough and you will be there for him when he does. Don't punish him for it or have digs at him. We are all human and he is just learning as he goes like the rest of us. Can't fault him for that.

[oldwoman]

I think he`s using you. If she`s deleating messages does she know your`e invited. You could be his escape plan. Turn up she causes a scene wedding off.

[suzi-q]

When you are in love you do become very tunnel vision and can only think about that person. Not particularly healthy but natural and most of us have done it I think. Its easy for friends to feel left out but its rarely done on purpose.

If I were you I would forgive his lapse which Im sure he didnt mean to hurt you and go to the wedding. It would be nice if you had a friend or date to go with, its always more fun when you can admire (or stifle a giggle) about the other outfits etc.

You will then become a friend of the couple rather than just him and thats nice.

By the way, I speak as one who was on the other side of this situation. My husbands female friend came to our wedding and wished us well. She has turned into a good friend of us both which is nice.

[Rubyrose]

I always see my ex in town with the girl he left me for and she won't even look at me but he smiles and says Hi. Last Friday I saw her in the bar in town so I walked straight up to her, said hello, gave her a hug and told her I didn't have a problem with her at all. She ended up coming to the club with me and my mate and I even danced with her! I'd like it if we could all be mates... and it would mean our whole group of friends being fused back together which is nice.

[Daisybabe]

Thanks guys for your responses! I know in my head that I will go - just not feeling happy about it. Of course, if I had a nice man to take with me, I probably wouldn't be feeling so sensitive about this!

I'll do exactly what suzi-q suggests and go and have a giggle.

[suzi-q]

By the way Daisy I wouldnt recommend what our friend did at the wedding.

She was on the table of "friends" - they all had rather a lot to drink and got quite loud. As she was eating her roast beef it slid off the plate and down her skirt. Half ended up in her handbag.

The rest of the table were in fits. And for the rest of the day she walked round with a big brown stain down her skirt :-)

[WendyS]

However long and close your friendship, the dynamics are obviously changing now he's getting married. I expect the lapsed contact is probably due to all the busy things like planning a wedding & sorting out where to live which are happening in his life and he's not freezing you out at all.

Go to the wedding but don't take a partner along. If the couple are working to a tight budget it will only embarrass them financially and he and his fiance might feel you're taking advantage of your friendship. If he'd wanted you to bring a partner the invitation would surely have included one.

Just give him some space. Men arn't good at multi-tasking and this imminent wedding is probably blowing his mind without being harrassed by his friends. Wait patiently until they're back from their honeymoon and settled in and then suggest a leisurely supper date.

The reality is that your friendhship with him will be different from now on but that doesn't need to lessen its value as long as you can set your jealousy aside and accept that you no longer have the same focal point in his life.