Beaten And Terrified Her For Months

[lankeela]

so why did she stay with him and not take any action - I will never understand and nobody will ever convince me otherwise.

[AuntPG]

I agree that 'Weak' and Strong' are perhaps the wrong words. I agree with Andy its a very complex situation but also agree with Dave that there is perhaps a 'type' of women that would succumb and put up with abuse for many different reasons.

Pixie I would presume that many abused people do realise what is happening to them but for whatever reasons accept or even blame themselves. Those who realise and do something about it, show more strength of character than those who don't, but its not anyone's fault but the abuser ( man or woman)

[AuntPG]

Jourdain -an awful story but you could have just left -no need for legal wranglings with French courts. Your nature, the way you are, made you stay and put up with it -someone else may have just got on a Ferry and come home.

[andy-hughes]

AuntPG - // Pixie I would presume that many abused people do realise what is happening to them but for whatever reasons accept or even blame themselves. //

Again speaking from my counselling experience, in the early weeks and months of dealing with abused women, it took patience and time to help them to actually understand the situation as it actually, was, rather the way that the abuser had conditioned them to see it.

Once that circle was broken, the process of gaining the impetus (I am steering clear of words like 'strength!) to leave the relationship could begin.

There are no set 'types' of individuals, as previous posts have clearly pointed out.

It is a deeply complex and difficult subject, but to return to the OP, I think the thread answers lankeela's question very clearly, and hopefully she reads the thread and maybe is more convinced about the complexities involved than when she first posted.

[andy-hughes]

AuntPG - //
Jourdain -an awful story but you could have just left -no need for legal wranglings with French courts. Your nature, the way you are, made you stay and put up with it -someone else may have just got on a Ferry and come home. //

I have pointed out many times, and again on this thread, that all individuals and situations are unique and none of us are in a position to sit in judgement from a distance.

[lankeela]

Nope - I still cannot understand anyone accepting that this is ok. At the first sign of insulting let alone threatening behaviour I would be out of the door. I would never have let myself get in a position where I felt trapped into staying so no I still don't understand why anyone would. As someone said above "Mental and emotional stuff to begin with. It's horrible, but you don't want to believe what has been said, you make excuses. When the physical stuff starts - you still somehow blame yourself" Mental and emotional stuff is bad enough and would have me running for the hills - the physical stuff would have me reaching for the carving knife.

[AuntPG]

Andy -in no way am I judging -just making an observation.

Lankeela I agree with you 100%. If any man raised his hand to me he would seriously regret it ;0)

[andy-hughes]

lankeela - // Nope - I still cannot understand anyone accepting that this is ok. //

You seem absolutely determined to underline your imability to understand something simply because you could never see yourself in that situation.

I live my whole life looking at situations that I cannot and will never be able to experience directly, and try and understand them, because I think that makes me more understanding of the world around me, and the people I share it with.

You seem resolute in your determination simply to remain baffled by things you dont understand, and to be proud of your position.

We're all different.

[AuntPG]

Andy-Hughes and you have to understand that there are people who really can't understand why women and men let another human being abuse them, physically and mentally. You are in danger of denigrating those who would not put up with it -judging them in fact, accusing them of not understanding. I will go further and say that some people are born victims harsh I know , but for whatever reason they do not have the strength of character to stand up for themselves.

[lankeela]

I think its more a case of me being angry that anyone could think this is acceptable.

[andy-hughes]

AuntPG - I absolutely understand that there are people everywhere who hold different views to me on anything you care to think of.

I would like to think that my history and longevity on here demonstrate that.

[andy-hughes]

Lankeela, I cannot think that anyone with a heart could imagine that this is acceptable.

[jourdain2]

Lankeela - I did not think it was acceptable (in the end I got out) but can you imagine being totally isolated in a society? Nowhere to go? An isolated farmhouse? Not as easy as that to 'just get a ticket out'. How? it was a long way to the Channel.

I'm proud of myself for surviving and so grateful for a choir member for whispering -'you can come to me in need'. All I needed was a safe space. Then the rest is history and all ended well except for him. I am happy with Mr. J2.

Seriously, please read andy-hughes' responses. Cases are individual and there are pragmatic problems. Until he attacked me physically I had no way out. I tried hitting-back - it is not a good idea against a 14 stone bloke. My saving grace was that I spoke French, he didn't - and I rang the gendarmes.

It's different for everyone - but I was totally isolated in reality. Others are isolated for other reasons.

[lankeela]

"Mental and emotional stuff to begin with" - why would you want to stay with someone who thought this was ok - I would walk to the nearest town if I couldn't drive. Serious question - did you think it was going to get better? Did you tell him if it didn't stop you would leave?

[jim360]

Until you've been in a situation like this, you can't say what you would do really. Abusers almost invariably build up a positive emotional connection first. That seems to me to be the thing you're missing. If all you see is the abuse, of course it doesn't make sense why you'd continue to endure it. But that isn't the whole story. And that's what's being played on.

We all love to tell ourselves how we'd react to a hypothetical situation, in a way that general portrays ourselves in the best of lights. The lucky ones never get to test how true this is. For now, you're apparently one of the lucky ones -- don't be so quick, then, to dismiss the unlucky victims.

[Untitled]

a lot of cases of domestic violence are reciprocal... and many of the people who end up stuck in abusive relationships have some kind of history with abuse or being abused beforehand. For some people (both perpetrators and victims) abuse is tied up with what they understand "love" to be... both victims and perpetrators of abuse also tend to develop very low self-esteem, and have a hard time convincing themselves that they deserve better or could even have another kind of relationship... abusive partners sometimes become self-pitying and try to get their victims to feel sorry for them.

it's all very grim but you're quite lucky if your life has not been affected by abuse... it can totally reorient your understanding of self-worth and your understanding of what love or healthy relationships are... for some people it takes years or sometimes lifetimes to heal from this... It's not unheard of to see victims of repeated domestic abuse leave one abusive relationship and then enter another because abuse is sadly still part of how they understand relationships.. this has especially tragic consequences if they move on to become abusers themselves, and the pattern continues...

[ladybirder]

How lucky Jourdan that the gendarmes helped you and a kind person offered you a safe space.
For me there was no safe space and no help. The police took him away for half an hour and then let him go even after I told them he had said it would be worse for me if I called the police. The same happened on more than one occasion.
I hated him but he wouldn't let me go and he wouldn't leave.

[lankeela]

Jim believe me I do know. I would never let a relationship get to the stage where I was feeling intimidated. Maybe I am one of the lucky ones but not for the reasons you assume. I had a loving family and my parents had a wonderful relationship and that has stood me in good stead to know what I should expect in my own relationships. I have seen friends suffer yet reject offers of help and some have gone on to other relationships that were just as bad. It would not happen to me.

[chelle7272]

Believe me you don't know. Its very insidious. It could happen to anyone and has to most.

[jim360]

I hope you never have to find out, but nevertheless, firstly:

1. the statement "I know what I would do in a hypothetical situation I haven't been confronted with" can never be made with 100% certainty: the abstract is always easier to handle than the reality.

2. Supposing you were correct about how *you* would respond, you have surely demonstrated why you *should* understand how others could end up in this situation. Not everybody is lucky enough to have the upbringing, or support network, or perspective that you do. Take those away, even for a moment, and anybody is going to be more vulnerable. Why, then, the lack of understanding?