Why Would She Lie To Me?

[renegadefm]

Not sure if anyone can help as it's a delicate subject, and ideally I was hoping to see how a woman would respond, but here goes. 

Back in 1987 my girlfriend at the time cheated on me with one of my mates.

I didn't find this out until after she broke up with me. Her reasons for breaking up with me was she reckoned we were too young to get too serious. 

Admittedly we were only 18 at the time, but in hindsight obviously she had other reasons, and one was she was sleeping with my mate before we broke up, so affectively she was sleeping with both me and my mate.

The plot thickens, now because by Christmas that year another friend of mine said did I know my ex is actually pregnant, and had been for a few months, to which I dated back to when we were still together. 

Of course by now alarm bells are ringing in my ears, could the baby be mine, so I agonised about what to do, baring in mind I had not spoken or seen my ex since we broke up. 

Weeks of agony went by then I thought I will pay my ex a visit, so I did. We started chatting quite good, once we got past how the weather was and small talk, I politely asked could the baby be mine, and she quickly and rather bluntly said no, not a chance. 

To which I asked when is the baby due, she said early April, then doing the maths in my head, it took me back to when she was sleeping with both of us, baring in mind I didn't know that she was seeing both of us then. 

By now I could see she was getting a bit anxious and irritated I was even there, so I finished my coffee and wished her all the best and left. 

All these years have gone by and it's always been nagging me could the baby had been mine. 

Of course the baby is now a 35 year old man. 

Lots of years have past now, and I haven't seen my ex since that day when I asked her could the baby be mine. 

Then recently I came across my ex's Facebook profile, mainly because she's mutual friends with one of friends.

I started browsing her pics, and too my horror I seen her son, both as a new born baby and how he looks as an adult. And my God he looks like me. 

He certainly doesn't look like my then mate, so it looks more like he's my son. But how can I prove it as by now we have all moved on, I have my own family and so does she. 

But it goes back to my original question why did she try to keep all this from me, and say the child wasn't mine, why would a woman do that? 

[renegadefm]

Update:

Well if you can call it an update. 

I messaged my ex on Facebook but no reply, and so far it doesn't suggest she has seen it. 

Normally on messenger when the other person reads what you sent it says seen or the message or the little pic on the far right goes highlighted.

So no luck yet. 

[Redhelen72]

If you were my ex contacting me after 35 years - I wouldn't respond either

[renegadefm]

Redhelen72, 

Honestly I wouldn't blame her for not replying either, but its not like we had a row or anything. 

 

[Barsel]

If any of my exes contacted me on Facebook, I would definitely reply.

I love catching up with old friends and have done it quite often.

 

[Barsel]

I still get the occasional message from people I went to school with.

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

I see what you mean, obviously I have ex's I still say hello to or whatever.

I think what Redhelen72 was referring to was, some people cut all ties and communication with their ex's as their partners or wives or husbands might not like it.

That might be the case with my ex in this case, she might be settled with a partner that she doesn't want him to know about me, or get interference from. 

Especially interference as strong as what I have to say. 

Besides she still hasn't seen my message, so not sure what to think now. 

[Barsel]

I hope you kept it light and didn't come across as needy.

Is she someone who uses Facebook often?

[Ellipsis]

As far as I can tell, the son doesn't have a clue that the person he calls Dad may not be his biological father.

I can't add advice to any pros and cons, except this one. It sounds like you're about 53, just the right time to start having "medical issues" of your own, eg a heart attack. It's very common for men in their fifties to have an issue or even die. And when/if that happens, that's a reason for any of your biological children to know that you are their father.

[renegadefm]

Barsel, 

I have no reason to be needy, it's not like we're a couple. I am with someone, I'm not a needy type anyway, that wasn't the reason we split up, she just felt we were too young, for the way we were getting. 

Its odd when I think back because I one day just said do you fancy meeting my parents, which she glady excepted to do, and it went well, but days after she broke up with me. 

Perhaps she thought this isn't what I want, and meeting my parents was a sign of things she needs to get out before we start visiting churches. 

So far all I have said is, hey hows it going, long time no see 

[Redhelen72]

I was actually thinking the reason she is ignoring you is that you just'happen' across her Facebook profile, you had a brief relationship with her 35plus years ago which she evidently thought so little of she had sex with your mate!

you then tracked her down months later and questioned her over her pregnancy.

have you considered that perhaps she is frightened of you?

[renegadefm]

Ellipsis, 

Thanks you have cheered me up no end. 

For the record I am 55 on Saturday, but I feel fine. 

I don't understand why I need to be dead before my potential biological son needs to know about me, I don't get that logic at all. 

[renegadefm]

Redhelen72, 

Shes got no reason to be scared of me. 

I have always been polite. 

I only tracked her down because I thought if there's a chance I am the dad I would want to be there for them. 

Especially as the other guy did a runner, so he obviously didn't care. 

The last time I seen her was that day before her son was even born, but we wished each other all the best, and that was that. 

The only reason this soap opera has started is I recently seen pics of him, and I was shocked how much he looks like me.

So I came here to seek advice to see what people if in my shoes what they would do.

Quite surprising the difference in responces though. 

[Ellipsis]

If you come down with an inherited medical condition, your doctors will advise you to let your children know.

So if you do come down with something, it may change how you think about your potential son.

[renegadefm]

Ellipsis, 

Not sure if you read back through my messages, but I did mention I am adopted. 

I was adopted at birth in 1969, I haven't a clue who my birth parents are. 

Thats why this hits me all the more stronger. 

I have pain at both ends of my life, the start of my life I don't know my biological mum or dad, and I might also have a potential biological son I don't know myself. 

Pretty mucked up isn't it? 

[Ellipsis]

Yes, I did see that, which is why I didn't mention any condition inherited by your parents. And it is difficult. For example, if you knew that your father, grandfather and great grandfather all died of a heart condition in their late fifties and early sixties, you may take a different approach yourself. And your own children will also learn from your experience, maybe ...

[renegadefm]

Ellipsis, 

I see you're point, but I have no medical history of my own, or my biological parents. 

I have no health conditions that I am aware of. 

It's difficult because to start with I have no proof of if I am the biological father to my ex's son. So I can't go storming in with health information about myself when I I'm not in a position to do that yet, or if at all. 

[renegadefm]

Can I just say, this whole saga has been so difficult for me. 

I didnt want to be a burden to anyone, all I wanted was a chance to be there if he was my biological son. 

I seriously didn't want history to literally strike twice in the same place. 

But in my heart it has done, not that I can prove it, I've always know deep in my bones something was bothering me all these years. 

I have 3 children of my own since then, a son 33, a daughter 19, and another daughter aged 8.

And they all look like me poor sods lol. 

But if I have a 35 year old, maybe I will never know. 

Thanks to everyone who I have bored to death with this. 

And thanks for listening, it has helped to talk.