Partners Daughter

[peachy51]

Hi all.... my problem lies with my partners daughter who was 19 yesterday!!!!! She doesnt help out with the cleaning in the house and to be perfectly honest with ,,, im at my wits end,,, you see , my partner is not very authorotive with her , hence the reason he thinks i moan about her too much,,,, !!!!! Her bf (who lives with his parents) she does his washing ( why cant his mother do it)!!! if she /he would contribute toward the fact he uses my electric then i would have no prob....but they dont,,, if she even helped out around the house i could possibly turn a blind eye to this matter but i feel as if they are taking the mickey so much so im thinking about moving out am i right or am i wrong? please help!!!!

[pingu748]

You need to be addressing this with your partner 1st ... you need to explain how her behaviour makes you FEEL(not just the facts) ... men generally react to feeling based conversations as opposed to fact based conversations ... eg "I find this very upsetting, I feel like leaving" will have more impact than "she needs to help out more"

Good luck ...

[peachy51]

Yeah, but only just 2 weekends ago the 3 of us sat down and talked about this and she agreed that that she would help out, but not once has she hoovered, or cleaned, i have delibarately not done any cleaning to see if she would ....... and just as i thought ... she hasnt...!!!!!!

[havinmysay]

so work out a rota which she must stick to and your partner must stick by u through this but to me she just sounds like a typical teenager

[peachy51]

we have tried a rota but she always has an excuse why she cant do it !!!!

[naz_nomad]

I had years of this kinda cr^p before I divorced ... why oh why did I waste so much of my life unhappy?

If you get my drift ...

[JackDanielsU]

Well whatever the excuse is, note it down, and tell her to do it when shes back in

[saxy_jag]

Does she do anything else to help? Decorating, cooking, gardening etc?

I'll be honest, I left home at 19 and hardly ever did housework, partly because Mum never made me, but never compained either. Even now, I only do what's absolutely necessary, because I have better things to do - and no, my house doesn't resemble a pigsty.

Does your partner help you with any cleaning? Because housework isn't just women's work and women shouldn't be expected to do it automatically.

Sorry, but I'm on the girl's side here.

[JackDanielsU]

She should feel very lucky.

19 and living at home where nearly everything is done for her.

She needs to pull her finger out, and realise that life isnt all a party

Im guessing she doesnt contribute to rent either?

As for her using the washing machine to do her bfs clothes, be sneaky.....try and make sure theres something in there when you know she has a wash to do...

[peachy51]

Give her her due,,, she pays rent to her dad WOW!!!,,,,,,,,...come on does she expect to sponge of us ???? My partner isnt is bad as her when it comes to the cleaning, but he could do better too!!!!!.... I told her before im not her slave , to which she replied "why should i do anything, when you do it all".....thats when steam began to come out of my ears,,,, her and her bf are hopefully getting a house together , but it could take a while :( ,,,,

[debsoutho]

I know exeactly how you feel, except I have a 19 year old lad, my partner lets him get away with everything, he does nothing, his room stinks and that is now exaggeraion, the smell is coming down the stairs. he eats in his bedroom, leaves cups and cutlery in there, spills drinks etc etc. I had enough last month, me and my partner had a big argument and I stormed out of the house. Went for a drink to try and calm down, my partner kept texting me and asking me to come back, which fool that I am I did, at the end of the day I love my partner to bits, and most of the stuff in the house is mine! But as usual nothing got sorted, he didnt talk to his lad, each time he walks into the room I walk out, and Im beginning to boil again.

[suzi-q]

I suppose im on the other side of the fence here being the mother of 2 teenage boys who my husband (their stepdad) finds really hard to deal with.

The 19 yr old is becoming easier probably more because hes not around so much than anything.

However the 16 yr old is very hard work at the moment and I admit I do find it very hard to discipline him and also its very very hard to listen to harsh criticism of my sons from my husband who I adore.

I get angry and defensive even when I know damn well that he is right, they are misbehaving, lazy, only nice when they want something etc etc ... but they are also my boys and I love them. I have a fair amount of guilt about the fact that I am so happy with my husband but they dont like him.

Reading your question really bought it home to me how unhappy this could make a step mum or dad. I am banking on time being the great healer in our situation but I know the next 2 or 3 years are going to be as tough as the last.

Is the 19 yr old the only teenager/child in the house?

[peachy51]

Yeah she is the only child in the household....She works full time, as do i, and her dad.

[peachy51]

saxy jag - but the differance is i AM complaining ....He does his fair share , not to my standard ,(its a high standard to live up to), but him credit when due ... but her.,..shes 19yrs old and has to be told to do stuff around the house , hahahahahahahahaha she should be embarassed, 19 eh? and being treated like a 5yr old !!!!!!!!

[Marvin84]

Peachy - I can understand from both sides of the issue having been in the situation as a teenager, and now having my own house... It's not an easy place to be in - especially when everyone is working fulltime and then to come home to do housework - how dull!!

SO - to help your sanity I have a suggestion!

Why not hire a cleaner to come in once a week? Everyone then shares the cost - if you explain that since she didn't want to do any household chores - she must pay for the service.. you will have one of two results that I see:
1) she will get very upset at having to pay for the cleaning and start to do her share, or
2) she wont bat an eyelid and you will all have a somewhat peaceful co-existance!

Either way - please consider another upside... no arguments with your significant other!! :-)

I hope that you see this as an opportunity to create a peaceful solution - and the good thing is, that it's only temporary (til she moves out!!)!!

I hope that this helps!! :-)

[suzi-q]

In our house we have had many discussions, many arguments and we are more or less at stalemate at the moment.

My 2 boys spend a lot of time at their dads who they hadnt seen for 2 years (his choice). Suddenly hes playing happy families, safe in the knowledge that he is shortly moving out of the country.

When they are at home they seem to speak to us as little as possible and spend most of the time in their rooms. Also the 16 yr old is very "kevin" at the moment.

But I do get sad that my 2 lovely boys with whom I had such a loving relationship so dislike their home that they dont want to be here/spend time with us. I know things change anyway at their ages but its still hard. And then to have your partner who you also love dearly going on about them and how lazy/rude/greedy or whatever. Its very hard.

So Im not making excuses for your partner. Just saying spare him a thought too because he probably feels just as bad but also that hes hurting one or the other of the 2 people he loves most in the world. His daughter and you, his partner. His daughter probably knows exactly how to pull his strings and most likely always has.

I dont feel it should ever come down to a choice for the parent. My viewpoint I made a choice when I married my husband. I chose to spend my life with him. My son who is 19 and works full time is welcome in our home, as long as he respects us and our home. He also has a choice - to stay at home or move out and support himself. But I shouldnt have to choose between the 2 of them.

I hope this helps you to see the other side of the coin. But knowing how cheesed off and downhearted my husband gets I don't know if it will.