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Sex with an older boy
35 Answers
Have put this question in Parenting too, but want to try here too - hope thats ok.
My daughter who is 14 has a friend the same age. They have been friends since they were 3 and she is a lovely girl. The friend met a boy/man on the internet and got to know him through this as he lives miles away. Anyway they met and told her mother that he was 16 and the mother left them for the evening alone. In a nutshell she had consenting full sex with him and he IS ACTUALLY 19. The girl knew this. My dillema is - do I say nothing, do I anonomusly tell the school or her parents. She doesnt regret what she did (so far) but I am am shocked and very upset as I have always been close to her. Please help!
My daughter who is 14 has a friend the same age. They have been friends since they were 3 and she is a lovely girl. The friend met a boy/man on the internet and got to know him through this as he lives miles away. Anyway they met and told her mother that he was 16 and the mother left them for the evening alone. In a nutshell she had consenting full sex with him and he IS ACTUALLY 19. The girl knew this. My dillema is - do I say nothing, do I anonomusly tell the school or her parents. She doesnt regret what she did (so far) but I am am shocked and very upset as I have always been close to her. Please help!
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I personally would leave this well alone.
You do not know what the girl told him, she consented to sex and is hardly a small child. She's 14, a year over the age of consent in Spain for example, so are all Spanish teenagers paedophiles too? She may have told him she was 16 in which case your meddling in what is essentially a teenage tryst will get a probably decent young man a criminal record of the worse possible type that he'll have to live with forever, plus the girl will fall out with you, your daughter and her parents. The girl and her mother will feel humiliated by you if you go to the School.It's an all round bad idea. Please have a level think about what you are acyaully proposing. It's nothing but destructive for all concerned, and I would imagine that the girl will simply deny it until she is blue then hate you and your daughter forever.An awful lot of teenagers are sexually active at 14, and I think they deserve a little more respect and privacy than you are affording this particular young lady.This is not a case of some aged paedophile grooming a child, these are two teenagers who probably think they are in love.
I practically never agree with Whiffey but on this occasion he/she is 100% correct.
You do not know what the girl told him, she consented to sex and is hardly a small child. She's 14, a year over the age of consent in Spain for example, so are all Spanish teenagers paedophiles too? She may have told him she was 16 in which case your meddling in what is essentially a teenage tryst will get a probably decent young man a criminal record of the worse possible type that he'll have to live with forever, plus the girl will fall out with you, your daughter and her parents. The girl and her mother will feel humiliated by you if you go to the School.It's an all round bad idea. Please have a level think about what you are acyaully proposing. It's nothing but destructive for all concerned, and I would imagine that the girl will simply deny it until she is blue then hate you and your daughter forever.An awful lot of teenagers are sexually active at 14, and I think they deserve a little more respect and privacy than you are affording this particular young lady.This is not a case of some aged paedophile grooming a child, these are two teenagers who probably think they are in love.
I practically never agree with Whiffey but on this occasion he/she is 100% correct.
what difference does it make if he is 16 or 19??
you say she looks and acts 14 - maybe to you, not everyone has the ability to judge ages, especially if he has no reason to doubt her.
if he genuinely believed her to be 16, then it is only 3 years difference - hardly a lot is it?
as has been said, keep well out of it - if her mum felt comofrtable to leave them alone, the fact that he is older than she thought is irrelevant - boys are boys and do what boys do - she knew this and still left them
you say she looks and acts 14 - maybe to you, not everyone has the ability to judge ages, especially if he has no reason to doubt her.
if he genuinely believed her to be 16, then it is only 3 years difference - hardly a lot is it?
as has been said, keep well out of it - if her mum felt comofrtable to leave them alone, the fact that he is older than she thought is irrelevant - boys are boys and do what boys do - she knew this and still left them
I guess it does in some way depend on the situation.
If's the fact they met on the internet which worries me. Was it the first time that they had met that they had sex?
It may have been consensual sex but at that age she may not be capable of making an adult decision and could be easily manipulated.
This comes from someone who knows what it was like to be sexually manipulated by a group of much older men ending in rape. Looking back on it with age and more experience and wisdom it horrifies me how i can now see that they knew exactly what they were doing. It's not something that's easy to see at such a young age.
If someone had intervened then I may not have had to go through something that I still bear the psychological scars of today.
If's the fact they met on the internet which worries me. Was it the first time that they had met that they had sex?
It may have been consensual sex but at that age she may not be capable of making an adult decision and could be easily manipulated.
This comes from someone who knows what it was like to be sexually manipulated by a group of much older men ending in rape. Looking back on it with age and more experience and wisdom it horrifies me how i can now see that they knew exactly what they were doing. It's not something that's easy to see at such a young age.
If someone had intervened then I may not have had to go through something that I still bear the psychological scars of today.
Right - all I do know is that if it was something that had happened to my daughter - I would def want to know.
The first time they met he gave her a teddy beanr and some flowers.
I have so say Noxlumos I completely disagree with your views - Jenna makes a lot more sense and has obviously had experience.
The first time they met he gave her a teddy beanr and some flowers.
I have so say Noxlumos I completely disagree with your views - Jenna makes a lot more sense and has obviously had experience.
noxlumos-mate, you havent got a leg to stand on with that justification that its ok because the legal age of consent is 13 in Spain. Thats baloney and you cannot justify it by saying that whatever laws are applicable in other countries should make it ok here, and we aint even going to get into the discussion of how it can be legal to have sex at 14!!!
I was NOT saying it is ok to have sex with 13 year olds, I was merely trying to point out that very close to home ( ie Spain) this boy would not be viewed as a paedophile, nor in my heart of hearts do I think that two teenagers should be by and large. I'm sorry but as the father of a large family of teenage children whom I respect immensely, I have a lot of experience of dealing with teenagers ( and their emotional well being) and your heavy handed antics ARE going to end in tears all ways round. However please go right ahead, but don't castigate people with an alternative view to yourself. If you wanted people to agree with you, you shouldn't have asked for people's opinions.
Jenna's experience is nothing akin to what you have described, you are talking about a young lad and girl, nothing out of the ordinary, blown out of all proportion, nasty words like paedophile being bandied about, when actually what you are describing is normal for that age group.You are not even her mother!!! Let her her mother deal with this why don't you? Or is that not enough of an attention drama for you? You aren't saving a child from a paedophile, so don't kid yourself you are, you are interferring in a young person's personal life and that is reprehensible.She will never forgive you.
It might interest you to know also that one of Britains most emminent police officers Dyfed and Powys Chief Constable Terry Grange, who is the Association of Chief Police Officers' spokesman on child protection and managing sex offenders also agrees with my point of view.
you might want to try denigrating his opinion out of hand as well and being rude to him too.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/19112006/325/policema n-questions-paedophilia-policy.html
Jenna's experience is nothing akin to what you have described, you are talking about a young lad and girl, nothing out of the ordinary, blown out of all proportion, nasty words like paedophile being bandied about, when actually what you are describing is normal for that age group.You are not even her mother!!! Let her her mother deal with this why don't you? Or is that not enough of an attention drama for you? You aren't saving a child from a paedophile, so don't kid yourself you are, you are interferring in a young person's personal life and that is reprehensible.She will never forgive you.
It might interest you to know also that one of Britains most emminent police officers Dyfed and Powys Chief Constable Terry Grange, who is the Association of Chief Police Officers' spokesman on child protection and managing sex offenders also agrees with my point of view.
you might want to try denigrating his opinion out of hand as well and being rude to him too.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/19112006/325/policema n-questions-paedophilia-policy.html
I know it's an incredibly extreme example and I'll probably get a load of flack for it but...
Ian Huntley, born the 31st January 1974.
Record from age 21 although none resulted on cautions or convictions...
August 1995. Unlawful sex with a 15 year old girl. She refused to make a complaint.
April 1996. Unlawful sex with an under aged girl. Social Services dropped the case after the girl avoided them, the police were not involved.
May 1996. Unlawful sex with a 13 year old girl. She refused to make a complaint.
May 1996. Another count of underage sex with a girl, who again refused to complain.
September 1997. An eleven year old girl subjected to a serious sexual assault and a threat to kill in Grimsby. She didn't complain until nearly a year later and no further action was taken.
There were also a significant number of rape allegations.
I think we all know what happened after that.
You just never know. The boy may be preying on young girls, he may not but I'd err on the side of caution if it were my daughter.
Ian Huntley, born the 31st January 1974.
Record from age 21 although none resulted on cautions or convictions...
August 1995. Unlawful sex with a 15 year old girl. She refused to make a complaint.
April 1996. Unlawful sex with an under aged girl. Social Services dropped the case after the girl avoided them, the police were not involved.
May 1996. Unlawful sex with a 13 year old girl. She refused to make a complaint.
May 1996. Another count of underage sex with a girl, who again refused to complain.
September 1997. An eleven year old girl subjected to a serious sexual assault and a threat to kill in Grimsby. She didn't complain until nearly a year later and no further action was taken.
There were also a significant number of rape allegations.
I think we all know what happened after that.
You just never know. The boy may be preying on young girls, he may not but I'd err on the side of caution if it were my daughter.
Nox - I know I am not her mother but her mother doesnt know what has happened.
I am not some interferring person who takes any pleasure in getting involved - I already have enough in my own life.
Its only because I really think this man in taking advantage. I cant change how I feel about it and the thought of it really upsets me as my daughter is the same age.
I have known this girl since she was 3 and she isnt some street wise kid - she is just that a kid.
I dont want to cause problems, I just cant get it out of my head that she is getting into something dodgy.
What would happen if something sinister did happen and I knew all along.
I am not some interferring person who takes any pleasure in getting involved - I already have enough in my own life.
Its only because I really think this man in taking advantage. I cant change how I feel about it and the thought of it really upsets me as my daughter is the same age.
I have known this girl since she was 3 and she isnt some street wise kid - she is just that a kid.
I dont want to cause problems, I just cant get it out of my head that she is getting into something dodgy.
What would happen if something sinister did happen and I knew all along.
Ok Sally, fair enough, but at least please only mention it to her or her Mum, then as a family, privately they can do as they see fit and they won't feel judged and humiliated.
I'm honestly not saying any of the things I have because I want to label you as some old busybody, but I really think this is a potentially very desturctive path you are taking, possibly with the best of intentions. Sorry if I came off a bit harsh last night, it just struck me very much, that because the age gap is so small, the whole thing was getting rather out of proportion. Now if this was some guy 50, or 30 even, I could see your point, but it's another lad, just a few years older than she is. Her Mum has met him I understand, so surely she'll be the judge of him and them? Once again, sorry if I came off a bit nasty but it all just seemed so witch hunt and paranoid when actually they are only a few years apart and it may be perfectly innocent, he might just like her and be "preying" on no-one.
I'm honestly not saying any of the things I have because I want to label you as some old busybody, but I really think this is a potentially very desturctive path you are taking, possibly with the best of intentions. Sorry if I came off a bit harsh last night, it just struck me very much, that because the age gap is so small, the whole thing was getting rather out of proportion. Now if this was some guy 50, or 30 even, I could see your point, but it's another lad, just a few years older than she is. Her Mum has met him I understand, so surely she'll be the judge of him and them? Once again, sorry if I came off a bit nasty but it all just seemed so witch hunt and paranoid when actually they are only a few years apart and it may be perfectly innocent, he might just like her and be "preying" on no-one.
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