19yr old son,help

[Blyss]

My son is 19 ,has a full time job in fact he runs a garage for the boss.He has a 16yr old gf who by all means is lovely.My son although spends all his spare money on drink and by the sunday he has no money left.
Every friday I am on tender hooks waiting for him to come home from work and then {like now} waiting for him to come home at night.Its making Myself and the rest of my family miserable .Last weekend he came home and tried to sneek his girlfriend upstairs ..I told him to get a taxi for her ,, that btw I had to pay for and insisted they come back downstairs.
He went a bit postal on me , told me basicly to stay out of his life ..his love life ,, what he does with his money is his affair kinda thing,, all witch is fine if it wasnt affecting my whole household.
We have given him until jan 14th to find a flat to rent , that in itself shouldnt be a problem as there is quiet a lot around here.He has said he will do it ,, but I know him and hes hoping I will back down ,, Im scared incase I do.
I am really at the end of my tether here with him, I cannot even trust him to give him a key to the house so that I can go to bed ,, cus I cant trust him as he gets so out of his face with drink , drugs ect.
I dont know what to do ,, do you think Im being to hard on him?

[raysparx1]

Hi Blyss,

I just think you are being a mum, reading this took me back a few years to my youngest son, he was up to all sorts at 19, I was very worried and told him in no uncertain terms to shape up or p!ss off, he came round after a little while and a few years on I am so proud of him, he is a great bloke, he grew up, most of the time if kids have had a good upbringing they turn out ok, don't get to stressed, I also think back to when I was young and at about 19 thinking how daft my dad was, when I reached 21 I thought good god ain't dad learnt a lot in the last couple of years, hope things work out for you, good luck, Ray

[enigma]

No , I don't. He has to respect the rules of the house - your house - and if he is not happy with that then he knows what he can do ......... leave. If he is spending all his money on drink , then let's see how well he manages on his own when he has to fend for himself. He may quickly realise that actually staying at home was actually quite a cushy little number. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and you have other members of your household to consider and how your son's behaviour impacts upon them and you yourself are saying that he is making life unbearable for everyone by his behaviour. It's up to you to lay down whatever ground rules you see fit and he has two choices - live by them or leave. Not that I am suggesting that there is no scope for compromise but if you are unhappy about him heading upstairs with his girlfriend , then he has to respect that. When he has his own place he can live as he please but whilst under your roof , he should show you a bit more respect.

Have you told your son how you feel and explained to him how his behaviour affects the whole household ? I don't know any parent of a teenage child though who doesn't worry about them when they go out , that's only natural but he is 19 now and you shouldn't need to spend your weekend fretting about him.

I would be concerned about the drugs more than the drink if it was my child. I can see why that is a worry for you. I think that you need to have a serious chat with your son and spell out your fears. I hope it all works out for you x

[Blyss]

yea we have sat him down at splet it all out to him , we did that last saturday , after the event that took place on the friday night ..when I found out also that his gf was only 16 ..we were told by both of them she was 18 at first .
Im just sittin here at 1 am ,,,yet again,, sober!
waiting for him to fall thru the doors drunk ..or speeding or wutever it is boys do on charie.
sighs,, yano he spends roughly �230 in 2 days ,, in 2 days!!
so thats why Im thinking about the coke.
The gfs parents arent much help either , her father sees nothing wrong with siting n a bar with my son all day and night .
Im just so dam ugh I cant even find the words to say how im feeling.

[raysparx1]

Hi Blyss, The drugs are a worry,that is a lot of money to get through, I didn't realise it was as serious as that, you have got tobe tough, I have a nephew doing the same thing, you must stick to your guns then and if you say a date he must be out, stick with it, he might hate you short term but he must realise you mean it, I know it is hard to do, but while he lives in your house, they are your rules, I don't think the G/F is to young for him,it is only 3 years, same as my wife and me, good luck, Blyss xx

[Blyss]

awe ray has anyone told you , your an angel today?
well let me be the first .
thanks Angel.

[ELVIS68]

I would get him to sort himself out first before asking him to leave, if he leaves home still taking drugs and getting p!ssed every weekend who knows where he`ll end up.

[raysparx1]

Good luck Blyss, You are a real caring mum, XXXXX

[curiosity]

I agree with Elvis, also, if you are worried now, what are you going to feel like when he's not even touching base for a quick check up? It might mean more heartache, and potentially make his reasons for taking drugs a more negative thing for him, which could be a downward spiral. If it's for fun at the moment, he'll realise with a bit of maturity that other things are more important, if he get's into a self pity "thrown out at 19, etc etc" and a responsible adult free place to do it, his mates will soon cotton on, doesn't sound good to me. But I do appreciate that you feel unless you do this you are powerless, I'm just thinking that maybe you think this idea will be enough to stop him, but what if it isn't and he goes through with it?

[Redbel]

Hi Blyss, I can't add much to the excellent advice given, only to say that my brother and sister in law had a simlar problem with their son a few years back and they told him in no uncertain terms, get your act together or your out.
It took a while but he got his act together.

At the end of the day, it's your home and your children (no matter what age) have to abide by your rules.

Take care Blyss.....xxx

[sair5412]

hi blyss,

u poor thing sitting up worrying. I have a 4 year old upstairs in bed and i know i will have all this to come!

Why don't u try and take this at another angle.. (hard as this might sound). Try and see things on his level, (difficult with the drugs etc but..) and chat to him about how things are going with work etc and his girlfriend and kind of back off him a bit (he thinks! ; ) ) Suggest how cool it would be for him to get his own place, as he wants the freedom to be able to come and go as he pleases and he could see his girlfriend whenever it suits; having his own place. The job sounds good and he has a level of responsibility there- at least he has a job! The fact he has a g,friend is a good sign too i think. Anyway, give him this great idea about getting this flat. He will have more responsibility, less money for drugs and your relationship may strengthen not being under the same roof. He will also, maybe, gain some respect for your home when he realises what it takes to run one himself. I think the drugs may just be a phase. From what u say, the job, the girlfriend, it doesnt seem that he would slip into a downward spiral if the cash for coke ran out. He would just have to curb it or stop altogether. He doesn't sound like a loser to me and having a mum who has obviously brought him up so well, he will come around.

I also think, the more you get 'on him' the more rebellious he may appear. Chill out (it'll scare him how cool you're being about stuff! and try and hold on to the thought that it will come around. In the meantime, get him flat hunting, but do it with him so it's exciting! He's nearly a man, it's just the difficult stage between! bless him!

[curiosity]

Sorry Blyss, I've re read your post, what does he do that makes the whole family miserable?

[Hellion]

Morning Blyss. I'm personally feel you need to stick to your guns on this one. Ray is right (he is a wise old bird -love you Ray! x ) if you got the ground work right in his upbringing he'll come good in time. Just make it very clear to him that it is your house and he has to abide by the rules, however he is welcome to start his own house and create his own rules.

A lot of kids think their parents will back down but play him at his own game - for Christmas by him basic household items that he'll need for his new flat, you know saucepans, iron, cookery book etc. sort through your airing cupboard for old sheets, towels, curtains that he can have when he leaves, be cheery and 'excited' about his flat and independence , give him advice on the best way to pay his bills. It will completely throw him off balance (he thinks he has the upper hand at the moment) and it may well make hime think about what he's doing and what independence really means!

[sair5412]

Exactly Hellion!

Hope u managed to get a decent nights sleep Blyss. I didn't! My son woke me up at 4am having peed the bed. I got back to sleep at 5.30am then he woke me at 7!! Ah the joys of motherhood eh!

xx

[raysparx1]

Hi Blyss,

Hope he wasn't to bad last night, and you got some sleep, Helli has given some real good advice there,specially the bits for Christmas,that would be a real welcome to the real world son, I hope you get it sorted soon, good luck Blyss.

Hi Helli, wise old bird ? LOl, never been called an old bird before or wise, gave me a smile, thanks xx

[Blyss]

thanks guys!!
He did crawl in around 2am , that wasnt so bad ,but he was told to be home for midnight ..lol not becuase i am strict , but becuse my husband is up and out working at 6 am and my son is supose to be at work for 8 am on a saturday .
He came out with the story that he was at the gfs house chatting to the father ,,fine ..not a bad excuse and I belive him.
I slept well on the sofa until 5.30 lol ..{hubby snores like s farkin moster}
Woke my son at 9 am ...cus he still wasnt at work and he had taken bottles of beer into his room and spilled them all over the capret..ugh
The drugs I talk about with him ..isnt really a problem , He smokes hash every weekend and some nights during the week ..oits the odd line of coke that botheres me ,, and what the coke is cut with ..I know he only takes this now and then when hes out at the pub ..its really excpensive costing �45 per line ..so I know its just a very odd "treat".
With my son its more a drink problem.
I am going to take your advice and buy him a kettle and toaster for christams ..lol
I think he will get the message after that.
In saying all this ..all in all hes not a bad lad , he has a lot of good points ..I just feel that at 19 and they way hes speakin to me and the rest of us he needs to move on and grow up ..find his way kinda thing.

[Eve]

Why not write him a letter saying how you feel.

Make it clear that you love him and as your son you always will but that the way he's being right now and the effect he's having on the family makes it very hard for you all right now, give some examples.

Say that you're there to help him if he needs it, that you will understand that it may be tough at first but that as he's an adult now if he won't agree to help himself and act reasonably in your house then he needs to find somewhere else to live.

You can compromise with him, that in return for reigning himself in, small steps such as giving up the drugs, drinking sensibly only and unreasonable behaviour that he can stay, that you will trust him (stress trust has to be earned) with relaxed curfews and be easier on him and his girlfriend such as inviting her round for meals and such and letting her stay over sometimes.

Maybe give him an incentive such as if he saves a certain amount of money by a certain date (ie incentive not to spend it on drugs and alcohol) that you will match it so he can do something special such as a holiday for him and his girlfriend.

Also explain why the drugs scare you so much, show you've done some research and are not just a nagging mum and put some leaflets in he can read. Say you're worried sick what he could get himself into and you don't want to see him suffer or worse case scenario lose him

Try here for some more info...

http://www.talktofrank.com/home_html.aspx

Hope everything works out xxx

[Eve]

Ps any personal experience such as from someone you know and preferably someone he knows about the bad things that can happen through problems with drugs and alcohol and how things can escalate could help too.

[Blyss]

we are quite close Jenna ,, we talk all the time , he knows how much hes upsetting me ,, well not him persay his behavouir when hes been drinking.He as you know through speaking with you on a personal level via msn, has went to far with his gf in my house ..to the point WE all heard them at it at 7 30 at night while siting watching corrie!! {try explaining those noisies to a 9 yr old .lol}
He knows I love him dearly ,,he is well loved by all , but he did give my husband a black eye and he has wrecked a lot of things in my house ..plus even at the ripe old age of 19 still takes money from my purse.!!
Its go to the point where I have to take my purse and cigies and everything else not nailed down to the loo with me or to bed .
Its no fun for anyone .
He also has had a close friend who died through drugs so he knows what can happen .
Liike I say the drugs isnt really his problem its the drink.

[tigga]

�45 per line is way off im afraid (not from first hand experience by the way) so i can tell you for sure, he is either doing something else with his money or having a lot more lines than he is making out. This stuff is known for its very intense but short 'buzz' or 'hit' or whatever, and its very high addictiveness, so i would say at the rate he is spending �230, he is worryingly addicted.
Im sorry to bring bad news but you really need to follow the advice of the above posts urgently, get very tough - if you have to, take his money from him and give it bacl to him as he would need it (for normal spending) your house - your rules !. if he doesnt like it and moves out he wont be able to afford the coke anyway.
Good luck.