Help - Friend with Teenage Daughter

[Miss Inquiry]

My best friend has a 15yr old and a 3 year old. The 15yr old is causing her awful problems. Her attitude stinks, she has no respect, is angry all the time, shouts, screams, bangs things about, basically a teenager (I was just the same). Last night my friend kicked her daughter out (she went to her grandparents round the corner, my friend however angry made sure she was safe) and called me in total dispair, they have been arguing awfully for months and my mate is in peices. They actaully ended up in a physical fight last night, rolling about and shouting/screaming at each other, which is when my mate kicked her out as she was scared all the anger and emotion would come pouring out and once she may end up punching her out of frustration and she might not stop.
My friend is the most placid person on earth, but she just cant cope, she cries all the time, and calls me for advice, but having no kids I feel really useless, other than saying "she's a teenager" and mopping up tears.
I am also worried about the other daughter, seeing her mum and sister argue to the extent they do, I am scared she will start getting bolshy to her mum after seeing her sister do it. My friend couldn't cope with that.
The 15yr old also has a really low opinion of herself and I can see she needs a bit more self belief, which is where some of her frustration is coming from, her mum constantly tries to reassure her and help, but she just throws it back in her face.
I really want to help, is there anything other mums out there with teenagers can recommend, or friends who have helped in this situation? Any advice would be really welcome.

[lorraine29]

I can so sympathise with your friend, I have a 14 yr old son, who is the same typical teenager, overall he's a good lad who helps look after his younger brother and sister, but as soon as i try to talk to him about anything he's done wrong he throws an almighty kevin and perry style strop, doors banging, lots of stamping and shouting and he usually ends up shut in his room so i don't get the chance to make my point.

The way I have found around this may sound silly but it really works is to text him, I always say something like I love you but I can't let you do this that or the other, I find it works well as we both have to think about what we want to say, and consider each others feelings also my son is normally quite good at saying something then denying he ever said it whereas he's careful what he promises by text as he knows i can prove what he's said.

The other 2 kids find it funny that i am holding a conversation with him by phone while he is only upstairs but it really does work.

Lorraine x

[Eve]

When they've both cooled down why not meet somewhere neutral and talk about it, somewhere public to try and discourage any physical aspect or screaming or shouting.

Maybe get them both to write a letter down about how they feel beforehand they can swap and have a think about beforehand.

Her daughter may have a number of issues, could drugs/eating problems be involved or bullying, boy trouble, a young one taking up a huge amount of mum's time and attention or it could be hormonal/body changes and as confusing and upsetting her her as it is for mum.

Get her to ask her about what is getting to her for her to be that way, see if they can find reason behind it they can both work on positively together be it for her to get some help or support with something or to spend some more quality time with mum, even some set time they spend together on their own together each week.

If it's a low opinion of herself then maybe some books on the subject could help or there are courses, maybe some mum and daughter pampering together.

Does she like animals, they can have an amazingly therapeutic effect on people, helping out at a sanctuary or going horseriding.

Stress that she is loved even though she may be hard to like or be around sometime.

[Miss Inquiry]

You both make excellent points, thanks. I will make sure my friend texts her a few times today as I don't want them to stop communicating all together.

Jenna eating problems (she is slightly overweight), boys, bullying and her little sister taking up too much time are probabaly all factors, thankfully drugs are not. Her daughter tends to open up to me, and I am 100% sure thankfully she has not gone down that route.

The communicating outside in neutral teritory is a good idea, I told her yesterday to take her daughter into the street whenever she gets too angry so they can discuss it outside, they would no doubt be too embarassed to shout and fight in the street! But then I am sure the teenager would just retreat into her room and start the typical "Kevin and Perry" strop.

It's eating my best friend up, I will suggest the letter writing, they both have fiery tempers so a normal conversation can turn in seconds into a full scale war, with everyone throwing spitefull nonsense into the mix.

I might suggest taking the daughter out and calmly talking to her, tellingher how much her mum loves her but finds it hard, giving my best mate some time with her little one and time with her husband (he is brilliant but a bit of an ostrich when it comes to family domestics).

Really appreciate your inputs. x

[tradey]

i can understand where your friends coming from,i have a 17yr and a nearly 3yr old,awhile back my 17yr old was being a pain to me,wouldnt do anything i said,if i asked her where she was going she wouldnt answer,always shouted at me for nothing,well all i can say is its much better now,i thought about why she was being like this and what i do now is spend as much time with her do more things with her involve her to do with her sister,fingers crossed things are much better good luck to your mate its hard

[Loren1234]

I'm only 13 but me and my mam have had physical/verbal fights before, shes kicked me out and i've had to go and live with friends/relatives.
In the end we decided to go to family counsaling (i think thats what it was!)
Not everythings 100% still but its much better than it was!
xxx

[Miss Inquiry]

Thanks Loren, I hope you and your mam manage to work everything out. x