He smacks them

[happyapple]

I'm seperated from the father of my girls age 7 & 9. They visit him alternate weekends and in the week. It seems like every visit the eldest is smacked. This weekend she was smacked across the face for being cheeky, lsat time he pulled down her pants and smacked her on the bum 3 times. I've told him I dont like it and can he stop but he says she has attitude and he wont put up with it. Any ideas or comments at all?

[Lonnie]

I was shocked when I read your post, I believe you should stop him seeing them, to hit a child accross the face is inexcusable, the possibility of brain damage comes to mind, apart from the psychologial damage.

And as for smacking her bare backside, she's too old for that, why not ask her if she likes going to see him, if she wants to, threaten him with the law if he carries on doing it.

He doesn't sound like a loving father, more a bully and pervert,
Sorry for the strong language, but thats how he comes accross.

[curlyperm]

yes i agree with happyapple, i would either insist on being there on shorter visits (if they still want to go) or at least tell him its got to stop, oh and you should start keeping a diary of these events? just in case it gets more serious/
Hope not, just............well..........you never know/
good luck x

[happyapple]

I have just started the diary, thanks. I have text him and said (yet again) that it must stop and this is his reply:-

"Oh I just smack my kids for no reason whatsoever, I really enjoy it. Live in the real world for gods sake. Maybe if you laid down some ground rules to here there wouldnt be a problem. I'm not having her being rude to me and showing off even after I've told her about her behaviour. thanks for your support anyway. you just let her get away with anything and see how she turns out."

I hate him and I feel like going across to him and smacking him across the face for being rude to me.

[andy-hughes]

Smacking children of this age is unacceptable, and smacking in the face is totally inapropriate.

Your daughters are trying to adjust to the new situation, and feelings of discomfort in social situations can often result in bad behaviour - or 'attitude' as your ex terms it.

He must learn to help his children to make this adjustment, and to see past occasional bad behaviour by providing some reassurance and love instead of punishment nad violence.

He may be using your reaction as a weapon against you - again fighting using your children is inexcusable.

Tell him to find another sanction if he feels behvaiour is unacceptable - further smacking wil result in a visit to the court to arrange short supervised visits only.

If this threat doesn;t stop him - carry it out. Your children have a right to be protected from pain and humiliation - even at the hands of their father.

[madamspud169]

Smacking a child across the face is child abuse, it is not "telling her off" it is an extremely abusive way of him asserting his control.
I would not let my children stay with anyone who abused them and no court in the land would disagree with me.
What is wrong with sending her to her room or making her sit on the naughty step for 5 mins, those minutes can take forever to pass when the other child is happily watching tv and having fun.
Your ex needs parenting lessons.
Your daughters cannot stand up to this man, you have to stand up for them, you are their mum after all.

[noxlumos]

Whatever rudeness etc your daughter might be exhibiting to her father is only going to get worse and worse and worse with the way he treats her. He's not fit to parent them until he learns alternative methods so act to protect your children and go back to court to get his visiting ammended if he refuses to cease.

[happyapple]

Thank you for your comments.
You have all confirmed to me that its not just me overreacting ... which is what he is trying to make me beleive.
Their next visit is boxing day, any other time of year I would just stop the visit but obviously they really want to go :-(

[Fairie]

Hi happyapple

I'm a mum of 3 and my sons were smacked last week by their father for fighting, they were gobsmacked by it as i dont smack them anymore ( i personally think it does not work after toddler age) I have told him i will not put up with it and if he cant handle them then not to bother anymore! he was apologetic and said they got the better of him! understandable they are tough cookies these days!But anyway to get to the point, i actually think parentlineplus is fantastic, they have great talking points (group on the phone) point him in their direction if he has trouble being a dad without being a bully!

[suzi-q]

I feel for you and can understand your worry over this. It does sound extreme to me. We can all get mad with our kids but to smack a child across the face or to smack her bum like that is just not on.

The text he sent you sounds very much like my ex used to send to me. i.e. he's very angry with you and this is one way he knows damn well he can distress you.

I'm wondering whether you could speak to your solictor about this. Perhaps a letter warning him that he is behaving unacceptably would get through to him rather than your pleas for him to be reasonable. If this fails then as the other replies say - take it further.

Failing that are you able to speak to his parents - are you on good terms with any of his family - maybe they would have a word with him. Trouble is would this make him even angrier?

Good luck - I hope you can sort this out. x

[joko]

does he spank her in front of the other child? or does he take 'the naughty one' off to another room ro punish her?

i would try to find out more from the other child - he could be smacking her in order to prevent her from speaking out about other stuff he is doing to her...

maybe I am being unfair, but there is no excuse or need to pull a 9 year olds knickers down and touch there, under any guise...just seems a bit tover the top and creepy to me

[MORELLO]

Hitting a child across the face? No. Absolutely not. I feel intervention is definitely needed and would seek professional advice.

[tigerthecat]

Good grief no wonder you're not with him - but you let your children. Contact the police and or social services immediately if you do not reports these assaults you have some responsibility next time he does it to them. You are there to protect them no-one else can do it and the girls will know that you have done something effective. If their father co-operates with the authorities con tact will continue (if your children want it to) if he doesn't well you made the right choice. If you can't do it ask someone else or speak to the nspcc or child line do not leave it. :-)

[sunshine32]

Definatley keep a diary and tell him if it doesn't stop you will seek legal advice. Any kind of violence towards a child is unacceptable. If you have a solicitor ask them for advice too.

[MustangLady]

Please please do all you can to put a stop to this.... there is ABSOLUTELY NO EXCUSE to hit a child, be it across the face or anywhere. The fact he pulls her knickers down to smack her bottom (I still can't believe i read that, she is 9 yrs old for Gods Sake!). She will either grow up with a fear of men or think this is normal behaviour and end up in a relationship where she is 'smacked' regular. Stop it now while you can.... Keep that diary, communicate to your ex in writing every time and keep copies of your correspondence and his replies, you may need it later. Make it quite clear to him that you do not agree or approve of the way he reprimands your child/children... if he continues, take it further.... Ask your children how they feel about visiting their father and what else goes on there, you might find out more than you want to but do it... for their sake ! Good luck.

[CutiiePiie]

HE PULLED HER PANTS DOWN!
WHAT THE HELL!
thats outrages (or summit).
He is not aloud to smack them!
They are children what does he expect?
Shes only 9 years old, did you know this can be traumatising for your daughter?
And i can know this happend to me when i was young too.
Punishing doesnt work.
You shouldnt punish kids for what they do wrong but you should reward them for what they do right.

[freak_unique]

You have every right to be annoyed! Smacking her round the face is just so wrong whatever she has done. Do you even believe she is cheeky is she cheeky to you? and pulling her pants down is just disgusting. I dont mean to sound harsh but it sound to me he really enjoys hitting them and feeling the power/control over them and it is sickening...

[StudentGal]

I completely agree with what everyone else has said. By ages 7 & 9 he shouldn't be resorting to physical violence! They are well old enough to be sat down, talked to and find out the root cause of why she may or may not have been behaving badly. He needs sorting out. His behaviour is worse than hers, he should know better. :|