making a change...

[nannon]

OK - in brief cuz i am in work....
I am with my lovely boyfriend, been together 9 months and treats me like a princess. There is a 13 year age gap, i live in Bristol him in London. We plan for me to move down there with him at end of the year to live with him.
Only thing is i'm questioning stuff recently, since i found out my mate is doing her TEFL in Madrid (something i have always wanted to do but havent, he never wants to travel apart from holiday shere and there) and since going to a wedding on the weekend.
I always want to get married but when i was thinking about it it wasnt my boyf i saw myself with. I do love him but i'm not sure i can see a long future together. I know we will be happy for the next year or so but long term i'm not 'seeing' it at the moment. Its making me sad as i am so happy now.
Thing is i want to move to London regardless - l wanted to before i met him. But what kinda person will it make me if i move down there with him and after a year it doesnt work out?? Cuz i know how it will look - convineint! And i'm not that kinda person i'm not selfish or unkind.
The whole thing is worrying me. I just dont know what to do! I know lots of r'ships dont work out but if i'm having some doubts then does it make me a b*tch to carry this r'ship on? Even though we are both happy in the present?

[Pippa68]

I am a 'suck it and see' kinda gal...a lot can change in a year, and who knows..he might change his mind later too!

Give it a year. If it works out, great..if not, never mind. I don't see this as you being a b1tch at all. You are young and going with the flow. However as there is an age gap (I take it he is older than you?) he may well see himself settling down and marrying you. ON the other hand you have only been together 9 months and that may not be in his radar at all.

Not much help am I? LOL. I still say go for it and see what happens x

[nannon]

hi - thanks for the answer, Yes i am only 22 - he is 35. He would marry me tomorrwo if i agreed! I just worry that i am keeping hom from finding someone who canprehaps give him certain things he wants that i cant at the mo...we both want kids - me not yet - i'm to young but he is 35 - he cant want to wait around much longer! Another year with me is another year he wont have kids with someone. He would never pressure me or anything.
I do keep thinking to myself - he could finish with me as well- like you said - a lot can happen in a year! He may meet someone - may realise its not what he wants etc...but as he always says - its more likely that i will leave him than he leave me!!!
i think maybe i think about it to much - but thanks for saying you didnt thik i was a itch! I've been beating myself up about it and it hasnt even happedned yet!!

[Pippa68]

Well to put it into a bit of perspective my 28 year old brother has just finished with his 19 year old girlfriend because he NEVER wants to get married or have children..he decided to 'set her free' to find someone who does ~ but she is devastated.

In the big scheme of things a year isn't long. it is probably longer for a woman than it is a man fertility wise ~ after all he can produce children well into his 70's if he wants to ;o)

My bet is that after a year all will fall into place..if not sooner. Don't beat yourself up over it, nannon. You have shown your caring side and I know you will do right by your bf, even if it might not seem like it to him! I guess this the time when age gaps do come into play...

[nannon]

Thanks Pippa - your making me feel better!!
A year really isnt long at all and i guess as long as we are both happy then its OK. You cant regret a couple of year of happiness can you?
I'm sure it will fall into place - either way!!

[Octavius]

I wouldn�t consider you a b1tch, you are sensibly taking a step back and looking at things in perspective. This is right, and this is something you should do in a relationship, especially if you are having doubts.

If at the crux of it you really don�t see your future being with this guy then you can either end it or give it a little more time to see if your feelings change. Things can change dramatically once you live together, and being so close � rather than Bristol/London � and seeing each other all the time can have varying effects. Good and bad.

It is your life and you need to decide how you want to live it. If this doesn�t really involve this person, then it would be unfair to do prolong it for them, and unfair to yourself for continuing with something you don't really want.

[leelapops]

nannon, I don't think you are a b*tch at all, and I can certainly sympathise with you. I am 21, my partner is 45. So we have often had the, "well, how different ARE we?" I think all relationships involve a degree of compromise, but at the end of the day you both need to be happy. You are wise to step out of your situation and apply some perspective.
I would suggest that if it is something you planned anyway, then moving to London won't be the upheaval that it could be if you are only moving to be near him.
I understand what you mean about what you want to do-my partner was in the army, and travelled wildly, so he's all done if you know what I mean. Whereas there are things I would still love to do. Now we have the dog, and I am at Uni anyway, I plan to travel later, but fortunately I can take the odd holiday, as he is happy to dog sit for me, and fairly laidback in his approach to life.
We had a really tough time over Xmas last year and the beginning of this year, but I don't think that is attributable to the age diff, any relationship can hit crisis point (and I am certainly not suggesting that yours will!)

I really do think you should give it a go, he might be all you've ever wanted and more! And if he isn't pressuring you, then there's no rushing into things you'd rather wait for. If you didn't stick with it, at least to see how it turns out, then I know from my POV I would regret not trying.

I wish you lots of luck and happiness, however things turn out. At the risk of sounding trite, you have a lot of time ahead of you to explore all the great opportunities life has to offer. x

[leelapops]

I'm sorry, he travelled widely not wildly! That's a whole different approach to life!