Moving on from 'the One'

[Pootle]

Very briefly, I separated from my ex girlfriend in Jan 06 and have found life very difficult since then. When we met, it was love at first sight and we were very happy together, very quickly moved in together, talked about marriage, we were together for 3 and a half years; I had found the one I was looking for after many years of searching! After a few years, we got a little stuck in a rut, perhaps a little routine and one day she decided that she wanted to go her own way. For a long time, I fought to get things back to the way they were and at one stage I thought she was coming around, maybe she just needed a little time.. But it wasn't to be. Anyway, that was last year since then I have found it very difficult to move on. I think about her all the time and just have this overwhelming sense that I've had my chance as I'm 31, she was perfect for me in every way and me for her. Friends have said to me, you need to get back out there, but I haven't met anybody who comes even vaguely close. Furthermore, I feel a little guilty when I think of myself with anybody else, or go out on a date. The thought of starting all over again fills me with dread, I really can't be bothered to do the whole single thing again, plus most of my friends are either married or in serious relationships. I'm obviously still in love with her. My question is, how do you move on from losing such a special love?

[louisaposh]

i am sorry for your loss x
It has taken me 3 years to get over my one and only love, and i cant say its easy. But everyone takes there own time or way and no one can really tell you how to do it. I can tell you though, i needed to seek help as it was affecting other people and thats when you have to realise that you need help.
Basicallly, my counsellor said, you firstly have to grieve properly, then theres the anger and the final stage is the acceptance. The first 2 stages can keep repeating themselves.
The whole 3 years i have been trying to get over him, i have been with someone else, which was the wrong thing to do. I needed to be free from the last one before i started the new relationship. So all i say is be very careful in trying to replace her because you cant go comparing other people to her because you're never be happy.
Dont rush into thinking you need someone, you need to be happy with yourself before you can do that.
Good luck!
And when your least looking, fate will bring you someone x

[tiny e.a]

It sounds like you were very much inlove with this girl and that you are now heartbroken. It's not surprising that its taking you a long time to move on, don't add to your woes by beating yourself up over your feelings, take them each day as they come and over time you will find things easier to accept.

That said, I'm afraid I do have another piece of advice which may sound harsh. You must stop looking at this relationship through rose tinted glasses. Though you feel it to be the case you have to realise that this girl was evidently not perfect for you in every way. If she was she wouldn't have desired breaking up with you and breaking your heart. Likewise, evidently you were not perfect for her in every way, if you had been she would not have left you. I am sorry if my bluntness causes you distress, but you are doing yourself more harm than good by constantly thinking about how great you had it back then. Constantly referring to the past and how wonderful it was will not help you in creating a happy present.

Don't worry that you don't feel ready for other relationships, worrying over it is only putting extra pressure on yourself. It doesn't matter that you're not interested in other women, what matters is that you start trying to enjoy your own life as it is now, as a single man. Grieve for your lost love certainly, but do other things aswell. Go out with friends (not to meet women, just to have a good time), start doing things you enjoy doing, sports? Arts? Anything at all. It sounds to me that you just need to concentrate on yourself, do things for your own pleasure, build up your confidence and then you will find moving on becomes easier.

I don't mean to trivialise your feelings by suggesting it's as simple as stopping thinking about her and being sad and starting to think about yourself and being happy, I know it's not that easy to do and it will be a slow progression, but you must, for your own sake start trying.

[tiny e.a]

(And please don't be worrying about missing your cahnce and not meeting other people. Once you have become happy in your own company without this girl, you will feel much more positive about these things too)

[sleepyfairy]

I have read these posts over & over again and can see they make sense and have some excellent advice. i have just reluctantly seperated in June from my husband after 23 years of marriage, he was seeing someone else younger than myself, you worry at 31 that you are having to go through the single thing, I am petrified at 43 having to go through it, i know where you are coming from it fills me with dread too. But the kind people who have responded to your threads are actually right. you need to get over the hurt of the relationship you are still attached to before you can move on, time is a good healer and so are friends and family, each new day spent with a smile or a laugh is one day closer to being a happier person again.
Love is a very strong emotion, everyone deserves to be loved to the max. even you and me, believe in yourself, build up your confidence and you will attract a love you deserve...

[Pootle]

Thank you all very much for your advice and comments, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. Good luck Sleepfairy for the future and of course to you all.
Pootle

[sleepyfairy]

Pootle - keep your spirits high, keep in touch and good luck, i am sure you will find someone who loves you as much as you love them, take care xx