I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
-Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
-The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
-Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
-There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
-Life is sexually transmitted.
-Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
-The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
-Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
-Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
-Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
-All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
-In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
-How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
-Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
-Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
-Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
-If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
-If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
-Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?