My daughter is hurting herself.

[HJT40]

On Christmas day my daugher put her arm near a candle, luckily her clothing did not catch fire - I don't know who was looking over her at the time, but I am very grateful. This was an accident, but to make sure there was no damage I asked that she pulled her sleeve up to make sure she was ok. On doing this I saw several line that had been scratched in to her arm. This upset me very much. I asked why she did it and she told me that it was because she is scared of me when I shout at her.

I was taken aback. I have shouted at her when her mobile phone bill comes in at �70+ and when she doesn't look after things. Generally when as a cause of her actions she is costing me money that I do not have. I only have one income and that is it. What I earn is what I have. Sometimes these expenses make me feel physically sick, because I know there will come a time when I can't afford to pay things.

I am nearly in tears writing this. How can I stop her from hurting herself again, I feel like a failure.

[redcrx]

firstly try and get your feelings of failure out of the way. You are a worried parent who needs to budget and can raise their voiuce when a large unexpected bill comes in.

Im am pleased to see your daughter has actually voiced her reasons for harming herself although it may be that there is more to it that just a fear of your shouting. Perhaps her peers or stress at school (I presume she is in her teenage years?)

Heres a link about self harming, perhaps you could both read it together and then sit and talk about what you both think. tell her why you get annoyed about bills, suggest some compromises so that the risk of you shouting is lowered. Ie how about a limit on her phone bill, many suppliers will allow you to limit the monthly usage.

Most importantly see if there is anyone your daughter can talk to, someone who she can call when she feels the need to harm herself who can talk things through with her.

http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Un derstanding/Understanding+self-harm.htm

good luck

[HJT40]

Thank you.

Yes, she is 13 and I do try to budget, but expenses being thrown in don't help.

We have always had a very close relationship and it is a difficult time when she is growing up and away and I now have to give her boundaries, which I do because I care.
I have never been strict and she has always been good, with people commenting on how proud I should be of her. Which I am. I now find it hard to be stricter with her and perhaps I do go about it the wrong way.

[redcrx]

there is no instruction book for parenting, we all have to work things out as best we can.

My sister in law self-harmed when she was about 12/13 and i used to try and talk to her about it as she and her mum had got to that period where they just rubbed each other up the wrong way (i think that stage in life is very common). Sometimes it seemed to help her, other times she continued but it had to be tried.

Have a quiet word with your GP to see if they can offer any advice too.

[HJT40]

Thank you Red.

You are a very caring person, who your sister in law is lucky to have. It always helps to know other peoples experiences.

We do rub each other up the wrong way sometimes, but I will make a conscious effort to sit and talk rather than shout.

[redcrx]

all the best, it wont be easy to sit and chat if she doesnt want to. But shes taken a huge step in admitting that she is hurting herself and so this is a start for you both.

ps. can you put that 'caring' bit in writing as Im sure my son will have different thoughts once hes in his teens :)