daughters friend

[dove]

My daughter is 7 years old. She was asked about a year ago to be friends with a disruptive girl to help her calm down.
At the time I thought perhaps the naughty girls behaviour would rub off on my daughter. However, the naughty girls behaviour improved dramatically and they became very good friends. When the girl is in my house I cannot fault her manners or behaviour, but when they are together at after school activities they have both started to get into trouble, my daughter for not listening and the other girl for playing up and being a pain.
Last night they went swimming, the other girls mum picked them up. She is a lovely lady, but fails to see any wrong in her daughter. She told me that they had both been in trouble for messing about, in all honesty I thought whats the harm in playing in a swimming pool!
I did ask my daughter what had happened and told her that I expected her to listen to the people who were in charge, and to behave herself at all times. Then her mother told me that my daughter had got told off for scratching the other one. I was very cross with her and told her to go upstairs. The mum then left and I went to speak to my daughter, she told me that it had been an accident and that she had said sorry.As she was getting undressed I noticed two long deep scratches on her back she told me that the other girl is always hurting her and that she had done this as revenge.
I asked her to have a look at the mark on her daughter, there wasnt one! I was so upset for my daughter and the other mothers attitude was that her daughter would not have done it on purpose and that she doesnt know her own strength, I told her I didnt want them playing together any more, and have been to the school this morning to let them know too.
I am really upset, and just wondered if anyone has had any problems like this, any advice or comments would be appreciated. :-(

[smudge]

I think you have done the right thing by telling this girl's mother & the school, that you no longer want them playing together.

It sounds as if your daughter has been under pressure to stay friends with this girl & I bet she's now very relieved that she no longer has to.

Well done & good luck to you & your daughter.

[Miss Zippy]

You've done the right thing and you mustn't feel any guilt towards this girl or her mother. This girl's behaviour is not your responsibility. She seems to have parents who think she can do no wrong, so it's no wonder she can't see the error of her ways. Your daughter sounds like a little angel for putting up with that friendship without complaint and, as Smudge said, I'm sure she's relieved that she is no longer obliged to continue this friendship. I was put in a similar position when I was your daughter's age, though the circumstances were a little different. In my case, I was friends with a neighbour who was in the same year as me at school but a different class. She was a very disruptive pupil (hitting other children, spitting at them and pinching their things) but seemed to behave well when we played together outside school. Her mother suggested to the school that she be moved to my class to see if my good 'influence' on her continued in the classroom. Needless to say, it didn't and being paired with her started to have a negative effect on my school work until mum put her foot down.

[Hgrove]

It was very generous of you to let your daughter be friends with this other child when the other child benefited from the arrangement entirely; it seems to me your daughter derived no benefit. I think you are right now to encourage your daughter to make other friends. I have a 7 yr old daughter who was in a vaguely similar situation, and we are not encouraging socialising with one or two girls at the moment (she has plenty of other friends).

[dove]

hi smudge, miss zippy and Hgrove, thanks all for answering.
Miss Zippy, my daughter isnt always an angel, I do know her faults but I felt that she will benefit hugely from having as little contact with the other girl.
I know we all want to think of our children as perfect but everyone does have their faults and I think as a parent it is our responsability to try to help in every way we can. The other mother rang me last night and said that I molly coddle my children, and that her child hadnt meant to hurt my daughter, just that she had long nails. She went on to say that I over reacted and have spoiled a good friendship, I am one very sad person at the moment!

[smudge]

Oh dear, sorry to hear this situation has got to you & made you feel sad Dove - but please try to rise above it.

You sound quite level headed to me & at least you've admitted that your daughter is no angel!

I'm sure this'll all blow over in a few days & as long as your daughter is happy at school, then that's the main thing.

Cheer up, you're not on your own. -x-

[junebaby]

reading your story made me quite sad why should any child be forced to be friends with another child just because that child is disruptive. I think you were quite right to stop the friendship i would of done the same thing a mother knows best is my favorite saying. my 5 year old daughter and her 4 year cousin have a love hate relationship my daughter is no angle by far but my neice can be very spitful it was easier with me as i have a good relationship with my sister so we came down hard and seperated them for a while and it seems to have worked they still have there ups and down but when there down we tell them they wont play together anymore and that works for us.

good luck your doing the best for your daughter and i hope shes happy now

[Miss Zippy]

Hello dove. I�m sure your daughter has her moments too, like all children (and some adults)! If you�re confident though that this scratching incident isn�t a one-off and that this girl has physically harmed your daughter on other occasions, then you have no choice but to nip things in the bud now before they escalate. The girl�s mother is bound to make you feel bad and try and persuade you to let the friendship continue as I expect your daughter is one of very few friends this girl has, but that is not your lookout. Does your daughter want to stay friends with this girl?

[dove]

thanks smudge you are right I have let this get to me. junebaby, you are really lucky that you and your sister could agree what avenue to go down together, and made a joint desicion, I hope that your children continue to get on well. Miss Zippy, the girl in question has hurt my daughter on numerous occasions, though not as spitefully as this, it really is breaking my heart that my girl now wants to continue the friendship. In her own words she came out of school today and said, 'I havent played with anyone else today, because they all say I play with Georgina and they dont like her so they dont like me either'
oh and the mother has not even made the girl say sorry.... mothers a?!

[dove]

sorry, should have said that I still dont think that they should play together. It has got me thinking that the mothers attitude is coming across to me as some what bullying, and I suspect that is where her daughter could be getting it from.