Is it safe to say my marriage is over?

[ftj001]

I found out that my husband cheated on me last May. He was with this women for less than a year. My husband and I met in high school in 1994 and were married in 2001. We were so very close and now I feel so betrayed and angry. He has tried to do little things to make me feel secure but there is one thing that he will not do and that is he will not let me know see who this women is. I don't want to have dinner with the girl. I just want to look her in her face thats all! I ask him to let me see who she is, but he just says your crazy and your tripping and then he becomes mute. When he does this it just confirms that either he is still seeing her or he just has her on hold just in case it doesn't work between us. I do admit I'am having a very difficult time dealing with this. I cry all the time, I'm depressed. I can't get any peace because I think about him and her together all the time. Its almost as if I saw him with her. I'am so angry and I don't know were to put this anger I have no place to put it. As soon as something happens that I don't like I blw up and I start throwing the fact that he cheated on me in his face. I told him that if he didn't let me see her I was going to move on and date other people. I really think I answered my own question.

[sense4all]

Hey fj glad to see you back. Here in the UK you can go and get an hours free advice about the law and you.Without giving too much away about your location ( to preserve your anonimity on here ) could you go to the public library and look through the local law adverts on line to see if this is avaliable in your area ... I have seen a couple just googling ... but are they close to you? Prevention in these matters is better than cure is there a divorce veloci raptor in your area ? the reason I ask is that some of the American Moms at school have lived in States where if you go and see someone to talk about things your partner is then unable to engage them should you wish to press on with litigation ... does that apply in PA I don't know. You will of course have no intention of using them it is only because you don't want them advising your other half. Once you have some idea of whats avaliable to you and the kids you can make a fully informed choice on whether you will go or stay. Why wouldn't your Husband go and give the kids the stability of staying in their home. In the Uk you are allowed to add a lock to your door but you are not allowed to change the existing locks ... an anomaly in law but effective all the same.
Seriously why do you think he remains with you at home does he not want to lose his 'family'. Does he still hope to indulge in extra marital activities. Is he a control type of person ordinarily? Doesn't want to lose face by moving out? Or he still loves you has he told you that? That you are the centre of his universe YOU not the kids/ family. Is this this the first time he has wandered?

Can I just say that I really respect China Doll's views as well - she always talks a lot of common sense too.

[ftj001]

She never really liked me. She would do mean things to me while he wasn't around and I never really gorgot those things. So when she gave me this attitude about her son and what he did, I let her have it. I felt like I wasn't seventeen anymore I'm a women speaking to another women. Neither if them liked what I had to say. He feels that he bites his tongue when my mom does something, but I told him that if he feels that my mom is being disrespectful, he needs to say something.

He thinks I don't say anything to my mom about her behavior, but I do. I finally told him that it was over last night, because I feel like this didn't have anythong to do with us. I told him I didn't marry your family and you didn't marry mine. So why did this need to ruin the start of a good week? Of course, he blames me and said I messed it up because I got on the train and didn't call him and tell him I was leaving, so he sat outside the hospital for an hour. I'am really tired of all this I just want to be happy again. Tjis also sounds very immature!

[jno]

hang on, how did your mother in law come into this?

[sense4all]

The internet ate a bleeding big post - where I asked at what point were you in your decision. Have you sought legal advice? or did you do that last year. Do you have separate accomodation arranged already. Have you thought thro' what you are going to from this point. Are the kids at school etc? What is your way forward from here, your battle plan if you like, to help you organise yourself, Was/is he gonna be hands on with the kids or is/was that all down to you. If you need a chat or to have a think out loud, i'll put the question on my check list. Hope every thing goes well for you! Remember it's paramount that the kids still need to have a good relationship with their Dad, whatever has happenend between the two of you. Lots of love Sense. X.

[ftj001]

Yes,

The internet did eat a big chunk of what I emailed you guys. It doesn't even matter you got the last of it when I told him I was done. He is a good father as far as being in his kids lives. I will try to ask around about how I need to go about everything. I don't even want anything from him. I just want him to be present in their lives. I 'am also starting to believe that maybe he is trying to hold on to me because he doesn't want to have to pay child support for 3 kids. He's luky that I'm not that kind of women because I could of taken him to the cleaners with his one. I had just had my son 4 1/2 months before all of this. I stopped working because he gave me this mumbo jumbo about wanting to take care of me and that he always wanted to be able to do that. Its kinda of funny because he couldn't.

[Ice.Maiden]

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, anyway. It won't be easy looking after the children on your own, especially if you have to go out to work to support them. I hope you allow your husband to stay in your childrens' lives if you decide to split up for good, but I still stand by what I said earlier. Some men like to feel that a woman's dependent on them, even if the men can't bring in enough money themselves, and maybe what with work, running a home and looking after a family, you both lost sight of each other a bit. I still think it might be worth trying to communicate properly, just to see if there's a chance of saving your marriage, but if not - all the best to you.

[ftj001]

Thanx Ice,

You all are so caring. I think things would work out if he wasn't so stubborn. He dosn't know how to communicate with me. I try to make him fell at ease about talking it out, but he was raised differently I guess. When I told him I was done he just sat there. I could tell that I may have hurt him by saying that, but he didn't say anything about it. He doesn't believe in talking the problem out right then in there, he stays mad at me for like 4 or 5 days and then he wants to talk.

By then I already have issues pinned up inside and then a flood of emotions come about. Then I'm crazy and I'm trippin. What if something happened to me he would feel like crap for staying mad at me. I never stayed mad at him for more than a day (except for the cheating thing). I even talked to him about having sex while angry, then what you were arguing about won't even matter because you realize in the midst of it all that you really do love each other. I love my husband and I don't think he understands how much. I think if he did he wouldn't be so stubborn.

[ftj001]

I also am not the kind of women who wants to stay together for the kids. I have 2 girls and I really don't want them to think its cool to stay in a relationship if the person doesn't love anymore and your just doing it for the kids. I'm sorry I'am very selfish when it comes my relationship, I need to feel loved by my husband and if I don't feel like I'm getting that I will surely wither away. I'm like a flower, all women are and flowers need to be watered.

[ftj001]

Hey sense,

I don't know anything I'm one confused sista! I would imagine that he would be hands on with the kids. I will definately allow that. I did seek legal advice in the summer just to see what the costs would be to get a divorce. He told me at the time that he wasn't giving me a divorce and that someone would have to physically make him sign paper. I later found out that he didn't have to sign them I would just ahve to wait it out. I also heard that if I initiate the divorce I may have to pay spousal support because I won't be ablt to prove that he was unfaithful. I did think about having the other woman sued but everybody just laughed at me when I said that. I guess it was funny!!! I didn't think so.

No I don't have separtate accomodations arranged, but its not like I'm being physically abused and I need somewhere to go quick. Everyone says I shouldn't leave, but I didn't like the fact that he left the house the first time. I think I need a change of scenery. I really hate that house!!!!