please help!

[nseymour]

my partner has a child from a previous relationship who comes to stay with us regularly. my problem is, at 20, i have no experience with children and feel caught it a trap. the child is 4 and constantly wets himself even though he is toilet trained and does go to the toilet , and sometimes worse. my parner and the mother seem totally unconcerned about this even though he is now at school and may get made fun of. i am certain it is not an attension issue as he is very well loved and ressured by us all, it just seems that because he is not being corrected he continues. i have tried to mention it to my boyfriend or suggest a doctor but the reaction is hostile. similarly, his behaviour can be atrocious- at christmas he threw  his presents across the room and said he hated them if they were not what he wanted-  everyone laughed and said how sweet he was. what can i do? this constant tantrum throwing is making me very unhappy and his parents refusal to teach him basic social skills is spoiling a lovely little boy.

thanks xx

[Hgrove]

I think you are in a very difficult situation as a step parent.  I would not be too worried about the wee wees;  my friend's son kept wetting himself until he was four, once when I was looking after him he wet so many pants that we ran out!!!  Boys take a little longer than girls and there is a good chance he'll be ok.  However, on the behaviour, I feel a bit more sanguine.  You need to try and make your partner understand that there are limits and that you are not prepared to put up with this kind of behaviour in your own home.  All children have tantrums but what he did at Christmas was neither funny nor sweet.   I wonder if you could ask the local health visitor or clinic whether they have any parenting courses and whether step parents can attend. Nseymour, I am going to stop here because I am afraid of going onto delicate ground, but I wish you the best of luck. 

[andy hughes]

Being a step parent is a minefield - i speak from experience. As a basic rule, you and your partner need to approach any discipline issues with one voice. If your partner undermines you, his son will simply play one off against the other. That's what children do with any parents, but the problems are exacerbated if your partner takes the 'my child my rules' approach. You need to sit down with your partner and have a serious talk about the raising of his son, and some basic ground rules for his visits. Tantrums are neither cute or acceptable, and if you want to make a stand on this, your partner needs to back you up. He may feel threatened in this situation - any parent who's relationship has broken down feels vulnerable and sometimes over-compensates for an imagined lack of love for his child. You need to constantly reassure your partner that you and he are a partnership now, and you both have to take a hand in raising his son - together. Emphisise that you are keen to learn as you go, and far from 'taking over', you simply want to ensure that his son has a happy environment when he visits you, and this will only come from rules which are advised and enforced - by both of you. It will take time, but you can get there. My girlfriend - now wife, had two girls, six and four when we met, they are 30 and 28 now, and we've been married for 18 years. At first, both the girls would try the "I'll ask my mum then ..." approach, but my girlfriend always backed me up in front of them. If she thought i was wrong, it was discussed afterwards when they were out of earshot - it's the only way to make progress. Parenthood is all about learning, but if you approach it with love and a willingness to work together, you'll get through it. Good luck.

[dirtyharriet]

I imagine that your boyfriend is reluctant to discipline his son as he doesn't live with him and wants their time together to be happy.

I wouldn't be too concerned about him wetting himself - believe me I have 4 boys and know all about how slow they can be to be clean and dry day and night.
The tantrums are another matter. If he is 4 then this is a bit too old for "terrible twos" style tantrums. I have a 4 year old and I wouldn't be tolerating this level of behaviour.
I'm not saying that your boyfriend needs to come down heavy on him. Just a gentle reminder that this is not a nice way to behave would suffice.
You don't say how long your partner and his ex have been apart, I'm wondering if the little boy is just reacting to his mum and dad not being together and the tantrums and wetting are just attention seeking.
I sympathise with your position and the fact that you don't feel supported in this issue by your boyfriend, but it isn't easy for us parents to admit that our kids are anything other than perfect. He may feel that you are just jealous and attacking his son.
I am a stepmother and my kids also have a stepfather so I can see both sides.

[pickle]

Good answers.  I'd just like to add (being a stepmother myself) that if you and your partner are united and consistent then his behaviour should change in the end.  In the same way that children behave differently in school and at home they can easily adapt to different behaviours in two different homes.  I know my stepson is not so demanding and more independant with us than when he is at his mothers house.  (He has always been a bit spoiled there)  In the half hour before he is due to go home his behaviour changes quite drastically, as if he is changing into his new role!  (He is 6)  It helps that my husband and I see eye to eye on most parenting issues and it was a big part of the reason that he split with his former wife.