is it time to move on??advice please!!

[jdh1975]

my partner and i have been together 14 months and things had moved very quickly between us, in feb of this year she became pregnant but unfortunately had a miscarriage, it was a hard time for the both of us and i decided to rent out my house and move in with her, before the miscarriage we was talking of getting married and selling both our respective properties to buy a new one for us and everything seemed perfect but since the miscarriage she has become depressive(quite understandable) and is on treatment for this but due to finish the treatment soon, however, she is now a changed person who i dont recognise anymore :( , she is always tired, we dont have proper conversations anymore, if i ask her anything then i get a " one word" reply, i understand she was badly effected by the loss of our child and for the past 5 months i have been walking on eggshells and really trying to have a solid relationship with her but she goes to bed early and never wants to get intimate anymore, we havent had sex for months!! she turns away when i attempt to kiss her and never tells me she loves me but i always tell her!!! but when she goes out with friends, she doesnt seem tired and miserable and can drink till all hours of the morning!! recently one of her old flames committed suicide and this is hitting her badly too
Am i reading too much into this or is the relationship breaking down?? i appreciate any advice

[spheric]

Antidepressants can make you tired, especially in the morning, so that might work itself off as she lowers the dosage and comes off the pills.

Unfortunately, depression itself can make you tired and uncommunicative, so its difficult to guess whether its the problem or the cure causing it.

As for her seeming better when out with friends, that sounds fine: she gets to go out, have a few drinks (presumeably) and forget all about everything for a few hours. Wouldn't that make you feel better?

The question that sticks in my head here is "Is she always going to be reminded of all the bad things when she looks at you?"

If thats whats happening now, and it isn't going to improve, then that looks like you're done. If it isn't there may be a way forward

[Ice.Maiden]

Yes, I agree with most of what spheric's just said. Getting out with her friends'll make your gf feel much better, but it also sounds to me as though either she's still depressed, or the medication's causing her symptoms. You say that things happened quickly, so now, several months on, it IS possible that you and your gf are destined to go your separate ways. Once you move in with someone and really find out what they're like, it can come as a shock to realise that maybe you should've taken things a little more slowly. You need to sit down and really communicate, to find out if the relationship's worth trying to save.

[jdh1975]

thanks for your replies, as i said though, there has been a lot happened in the short time that we have been together, i was buying my house at the time we met, her mother had a cancer scare, we got engaged, we had a miscarriage, my mother was diagnosed with cancer, i tried to sell my house but have to rent it out now etc etc , we had had 10 yrs bad luck in the space of just one!! having a proper think about the situation now, my fiance is desperate to have children, she is a nursery nurse and works with kids every day, all of the photos in her house are baby pics (even though the people in the pics are now 5 and 9 yrs old!!)
she is 27 yrs old and has always said that she wants to be married with children by the time she is 30.
maybe it is the antidepressants because she has been taking them since feb?? i feel really selfish but there are times that i just have to leave the house because she isnt very good company, when she talks to family or friends or we have company, she is really chirpy but when we are alone she goes quiet and it seems that every word i say annoys her!!

[Lakitu]

jdh, quite understandably, she is wallowing in her own self pity. She is putting on a brave face to everyone but you, I do that too, very few people would know when something is wrong with me.

I might be out of line here, but I think that the best thing you can do is to try talking to her again - no TV on in the background - if she's still as unresponsive, then thell her that you're moving out for a while. I can't help but think that the shock will snap her into talking to you properly.

I'm assuming that with everything except the miscarriage you got through together? It's only this that has made her close up to you?

Is she going to counselling? Have you both gone together?

[jdh1975]

no we didnt have any counselling and to be honest, my partner loves to think that she is made of steel and nothing can get to her!! i think that if i suggested counselling then she would firmly deny that there is anything wrong with her!! i know that she cannot wait to finish these anti-depressants, the doctor has moved her to a lower dose and she has to wean herself off them now, it was only a few days ago too that she learned that the bloke she was in a relationship before me, unfortunately hung himself ( they remained good friends)and she is devestated, keeps blaming herself, saying that he had threatened suicide a number of times before but she talked him out of it, she wishes that she could have got him to go to counselling, see thats the thing with her, she will always put everyone else first and never makes time for herself!! from my point of view though its seems that ever since we got together i have brought her nothing but bad luck and im starting to feel down myself :( , maybe she is getting the same vibe??

[unhappychick]

I had a miscarraige once, and ended up the same as your girlfriend, its a horrible thing for a woman, you feel like a failure and start to pose all sorts of questions in your head, ie, if I had done this or that would I still be pregnant, can I have children, is there something wrong with me etc, it is a horrible feeling. It sounds like she is caught up in her own head, which is exactly what I done, please dont take it personally, its nothing to do with you, just how she is feeling inside! She may find it difficult to talk about it, so why dont you bring home a bottle of wine and share a few glasses together and talk about it, its easier to open up after a few glasses and you may start to understand whats going on more.

The reason why she seems alright when she goes out with friends, is she has a few bevvies and the misery turns into a blur, which is easier to cope with rather than the reality, the truth.

I dont think your relationship is breaking down, I think your girlfriend is, which is a shame, you really need to talk to her, reassure her and be there as you are already, maybe you should talk about your plans you both had and make steps to fullfill them, this alone will give her something else to focus on, rather than the misery she is feeling....I hope this is of some use to you, good luck

[unhappychick]

Sorry just read your last reply...I too, pretend I am made of steel, in all honesty its just a front, a front to cover the hurt inside, I am so good at it I should be a pro, I can cut off from reality when necessary and can even convince myself that I am alright, when quite clearly im not!...but its only being hurt what makes you do this...as said before you really need to give her something else to focus on, also I dont think she thinks bad things when she looks at you, not at all, as said in my previous post shes just caught up in her own feelings...maybe you should let her read your post and the replies, it may open the floodgates

[jdh1975]

thanks everyone for all the advice, it means a lot to me, and as for you TETJAM, get yourself a relationship and stop playing with yourself at bedtime after you have had your warm milk, i really hope that you have some genuine issues sometime xxx

[stonekicker]

jdh - the behaviour and symptoms you have describe suggest to me that she is still depressed and struggling to deal with her miscarriage, so i don't understand why she would be thinking (or her dr) of stopping the antidepressants. i also don't understand how you could think of walking away at this moment as 5 months is a short period of time trying to support a partner through the rubbish things you have described above.

at the end of the day, she will need more time to either accept she has a problem or deal with all of the issues fully. you can talk to her about this. ultimately, you have to decide how patient you are and if you can't deal with things then you have to walk away. just bear in mind that considering how much she (and you ,too) has been through recently that you will also be adding to her problems if you walk away now.

my hubby has mental health problems (quite serious ones - which affect our relationship, financies and general family stability) but at the end of the day, we both love each other and have to deal with the cr@p in order to experience the good. i have cared for him for 16 years now (i don't want a medal or a collective ahhh!) and it is bloomin hard work, causes me stress and depression at times, but the person he is underneath it all makes it worthwhile. only you can decide if you can stick things out for those good times, but you have to be honest and up front about it with her. start talking! good luck x

[karenmac60]

I've never had a miscarriage, but I've had depression and I've also had relationships I've wanted out of but been too much of a coward to end. In those cases I've avoided intimacy and been uncommunicative in the hope that he would get tired of it and leave me, so I wouldn't be the bad one. I think you need to sit down and really talk with her and find out if it is depression or if she just wants out but fels guilty or that you won't cope without her. Don't accuse and don't be angry, just talk. Sorry if that all sounds a bit doom and gloom, but sometimes that's what it takes. The last time this happened to me, we did sit down and have a long talk and I realised I didn't want out after all, and we are now really happy, so it can work out, just be persistant. Good luck

[blackcat77]

I think that you sound like a really nice, supportive bloke and if possible, carry on being just that. Five months isn't very long when you've had a miscarriage and then have to go to work every day seeing other peoples' children and obviously feeling depressed. Like stonekicker says, is she really ready to come off the anti-depressants yet? I really don't think that your relationship is over yet, it's just everything has come at once. It's very difficult on you at present but give her time and I'm sure that she will feel better soon.

[jdh1975]

thanks everybody for your help, we have sat down and had a good chat about things and my partner is convinced that her withdrawn mood is a side affect of the anti-depressants, she did also say that i have been extremely supportive over the past few months and is very grateful!! it seems that all it took to clear the air, was a good chat about things :) , many yrs ago i was prescribed anti-depressants, they was called seroxat but i think that they have now been discontinued, these pills made me feel so good about myself and i was virtualy bullet-proof!! it seems that antidepressants dont work like that nowadays, my partner is on citalopram and from my point of view they seem to make a person even more depressed and subdued but my partner is convinced that they are working, so as long as she is happy, then so am i :)

[unhappychick]

Glad to hear things are on the up!!! Good luck for the future x