How do you tell an adoptive person you have found there real mum?

[unhappychick]

My friend has a husband and they are seperated at the moment, he was adopted as a child and has severe rejection issues, as soon as he feels slightly threatened he bolts. He knows he has issues but cant face them. Me and my friend searched for his birth mother on the net yesterday...after 3 and a half hours of searching, we found her, she only lives about 8 miles away! My friend went and saw her, she said the mum was a bit dirty looking but was friendly and quite sad about the situation, she said she would happily meet with him and talk about why she had him adopted. My friend just doesnt know how to tell him as it is such a delicate issue, the man has nobody in his life other than his wife, my friend but has even pushed her away....what is the best way of telling him?

[daisycup]

I'm feeling a little bit sorry for you unhappychick with some of the responses you are getting. I can see that you were only trying to do what you thought was right. Good on you for caring and being a friend. No one knows what is right or wrong in this situation. The husband might appreciate it or not. Not sure what advise to give you on doing next but I hope it has a happy ending whatever the out come.

[daisycup]

meant advice....

[bednobs]

i have to saY i agree with the majority of the previous posts -In my opinion, i am shocked and appalled that anyone would even consider this was a good idea, and as a friend instead of aiding and abetting the wife, its your job to point out the follies of such a course of action. please please rectify this now by advising your friend NOT to approach the husband. You say its not a case of interfering but i cant see how it isn't. if it was so easy for you both to find the woman in one day, if the man wanted to he could have done it himself - therefore i conclude he either dosent want to or just cant do it at the moment.

You also say it was not YOU doing it, but i go back to my previous point of the role of a critical friend.
i can see the wife wants to repair her relationship but at the expense of others?

[unhappychick]

Lucy Thomas.....I have every right to defend myself, Yes I come on here and aired this in public, but if you look at the question it simply asks what would be the best way to go about telling him, I didnt ask wether or not anyone agreed with it!

Also I wouldnt call it interfering letting a friend use my computer! It wasnt a case of oh lets find her and tell him, not at all, there is a lot to consider and my friend is aware of that. Would you do it for a husband??? I think if you knew the whole situation you would do it and wouldnt look at it as meddling in his life, but trying to help!

[unhappychick]

bednobs, aiding and abetting his wife, what by letting her use my computer and answering some of her questions on the matter! You make it sound so sinister! Also, its not a case of wether or not it was easy finding her, her husband just cant find it within himself to do it, not because he doesnt want to, he is emotionally weak and his wife isnt. She hasnt done it either for any selfish needs she done it because she loves and cares for him and wants him to find some peace of mind, where is the wrong in that I ask?

[unhappychick]

daisycup, thankyou for your support! Im certainly needing it on here today!

[Eve]

Just another thought, does his mother now know where to find him (or be able to trace him) that she could approach him herself?

Did you hide his current details from his mother so any approach would be solely on his terms or could she approach him now?

May well be some damage limitation to be done if she could find him herself.

[unhappychick]

Jenna1978, No she doesnt know anything about him, so can in no way contact him.

Any contact will be made purely by him

[Lucy Thomas]

Maybe you have such a boring life of your own that you need to get your kicks from making a mess of other people's lives

[tigwig]

unhappychick Lucy Thomas often gives harsh answers she can be very opinionated and rather like Tetjam! Don't take it to heart hun you did what you thought was best.
In regard to telling him about his mum there isn't really an easy way you will just have to say it as it is and be there for him no matter what happens. Good luck

[Lucy Thomas]

Explain why my chidren are 'scum bags'.

[Lucy Thomas]

children

[Octavius]

Unfortunately I agree with many of the privacy points raised, and I especially think visiting his natural mother without his knowledge was very underhand.

Nonetheless, it is done. I am quite surprised that they were together for 12 years and she doesn't appear to know how he would feel about it, or decided to go ahead with it without considering how she would approach this fact with him.

I do believe it may well have been done with good intentions, but you know as they say... �It is difficult to say who do you the most harm: enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best�.

In terms of going forward, Nox has given some sound advice for your friend, but other than that, you'd be well advised to stay out of it.

[Lucy Thomas]

Go forward to this.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7453584.st m

[bednobs]

if the husband "just cant find it within himself" to look for the mum at the moment, what makes you/your fried think that he will be emotionally strong enough to be confronted by this news?

[sara3]

I haven't read all the responses here but will give you my views.

the husband evidently has issues which he will need to face up to for him to be able to move forward. but it's his choice whether he does this or not, and your friend needs to decide if their marriage is strong enough for her to carry on. if he doesn't want help she must accept his views and decide if she will carry on as they are.

I think she needs to be upfront and tell him what you have been up to. I do think it's a bit naughty that you've followed this through to actually meeting her, as this is his business first and foremost, but it's done now. she must tell him what has happened and they need to talk about what happens next. I know you did this with the best intentions but this is his personal stuff.

I hope it works out for the best :o)