drugs & relationship

[sarah-london]

My bf & I split a while ago. I now know looking back on it that coke played a major part in it....plus he got hooked on a girl who also does it. I don't do it.

Since Xmas he's been coming around a lot.....begging to see me & begging me for sex....wanting to talk about all his stuff - saying he wants to come off coke....he doesn't like the way I look at him when he's done it (I don't look at him like anything). The other girl is still on the scene (doing coke) & he wants to move away from it all. When I saw him a few weeks back - he spoke about suicide but said he knew he couldn't do that to me or his sister.....

I don't know what he wants from me OR how the hell I am supposed to help him? Surely he should be talking to his new gf about all this?! So so confused. Help!

[sara3]

he needs to discuss this with his GP. don't get dragged into anything. tell him you'll support him (if you want to) once he is getting proper help. just saying he wants to give it up is hardly a step forward.

[Velvetee]

Addicts will always drag you down to their level. It's not your responsibility to take on this burden, except to perhaps help him to seek professional help.

[sarah-london]

He has told me that he's had his nose cortorised (sp?) which I'm guessing is really really bad & means he's been doing it lots lately. Why does he even care what I think? I have told him that I am willing to help him & support him but I can't do it for him. Is there anything I can do???????

[sara3]

there's really nothing you can do except tell him to get professional help. you can't save him all by yourself.

[sarah-london]

You know when you seriously 100% do not know what to do for the best?? I can't turn my back BUT at the same time him keep running back to me so that I can patch him up & send him on his way again isn't helping anyone, especially me (as selfish as that sounds).

I'd hate to see anything bad happen to him....he's got massive issues but doesn't deserve that.

[paraffin]

A very sad story and one where there is definitely no easy solution.
Sounds like he's definitely playing on the emotional bond between the two of you and, even though you might not want to hear this, you're making it easy for him by still allowing him into your home and letting him appeal to your better nature - he's using you but I can fully understand how easy it is for you to let him because you clearly still have feelings for him.
He is extremely unlikely to seek help on his own - most drug addicts are too wrapped up in their habit to want help with it - I say that simply because it IS an addiction - in other words, something a person's hooked on.
If you want to help him, it's YOU who would need to contact a helpline on his behalf - he WON'T do it himself!
If you DON'T want to help him, you really would need to sever all ties with him - easier said than done, huh? Best of luck - you'll need it.

[obNOXious]

From bitter personal experience I can tell you that he:-
a. needs to WANT to give it up, not just say he does.
b. needs to disassociate himself from any friends who are users.
c. Accept that whilst trying to stop he's likely to lapse and forgive himself for that when it happens and just start all over again..... and again.... and again.... etc etc etc
d. will need a lot of support from someone.

Now the only thing there that is really pertinent to you is d. Can you offer him that level of support bearing in mind that to succeed he'll likely have to finish with the new coke snorting girlfriend and there's bound to be hassle there, it will take a lot of time and patience, he'll be a real f3cking mess and not very nice to be with for some time and after all that , with all his and your hard work might genuinely fail in his endeavour.
When I kicked my considerable habits I did them all at once, so it was probably worse than average, but I had the help and support of someone 24/7 and it nearly killed me in all earnestness. If you can't offer him that then best just get in touch with a drugs rehab unit and let him take it himself from there, sad though that is.

[ChocolatChip]

How old are you both by the way?
He probably still gets on with his old girlfriend very well, as they have drugs in common. He will think you have no understanding of what he's going through, but she will as she has been in a similar position.
He may have talked about suicide as a blackmail kind of thing to stop you from leaving.
And if he wants you to believe he wants to get off the drugs he needs to stop 'saying' and start 'doing'
I would consider taking a step back until he gets clean, it will give him something to look forward to once he has finished with the drugs.

[sarah-london]

Thanks guys for your responses......it is very much appreciated!

Just feel stuck between a rock & a hard place. I don't know it walking away will help him more in the long run but then my heart tells me not to do that. Grrrrr! I'm the elder of the 2 of us....I'm 30 & he's 26.

Obnoxious......I am willing to give the help & support he needs.....I know I'm strong enough emotionally to do that BUT I can only get him to admit he has an issue when he's either on coke or drunk....people talk the truth when they are under the influence somehow! When he's sober he won't have a bar of it! I realise he looks to me as being someone that can help him & make it all better - like his rock but he keeps throwing it back in my face & don't see how this constant cycle is moving the situation forwards?

I think I have to tell him that until he 'finishes' things with the 'coke snorting g/f' (I know that sounds bizarre!) then I CAN'T help him! While he's hanging around her I don't think he will ever sort himself out properly. What do I do in the meantime?

The situation just isn't healthy for him or me.