self-derogatory people

[3Styler]

i get really annoyed at people who continually put themselves down unnecessarily and really wanna tell them to stop being so pathetic. so does anyone know of a way to tell them that without actually putting them down even more? bit tricky i know but basically what would you say to someone you know who keeps doing putting themselves down for no apparent reason?

[Kay]

3Styler, I have had low self esteem for years.There is a reason for it believe me. As a child and teen I was the most confident person but people change people by action or even words so please dont say we're pathetic..Thats hurftful!!

[katejess44]

3Styler, I have to confess to doing this myself, but for me it is more of an icebreaker with strangers.  I like to poke fun at myself before someone else can get there, and to be honest, Andy, if someone says to me 'don't put yourself down', it makes me cringe!  I don't really see it as putting myself down, more of a way of letting people know that I know what I am and I am comfortable in my own skin.  There is also an element of it being a defense mechanism - to get there first before someone says something you know will unintentionally hurt (and yes, that is to do with low self esteem).

It does sound to me though 3Styler that your friend really has some issues - essentially, they are the only ones who can deal with it.  All I can suggest is that you be as good a friend to them as you can - maybe gently saying to them, 'I wish you wouldn't say things like that as I don't think it is true'. 

[littleoldme]

First of all, I don't think there's anything wrong at all with a self-depracating sense of humour. A touch of jocular humility and modesty would do some people the world of good.

It's when it's done seriously that there may be a problem. As andy hughes says, it can be difficult to tell if someone is just fishing for compliments, but if someone genuinely has low self-esteem, telling them to pull themselves together or to stop being pathetic is the worst thing you could do. People like that need a bit of an ego boost, not with empty compliments, but by reminding of worthwhile things they've done that have made a difference to themselves or others - so they can see they're not as useless as they seem to think.

[littleoldme]

Doing a smudge here...

*self-deprecating

[flaming]

I've had low-esteem about my looks for years, always wishing I looked like someone else.  I used to get very upset about it to my ex.  He was in turn sympathetic or exasperated, but never once in the many years we were married tell me that I looked just right.  'Course, if I'd only worked it out sooner I'd have realised that I was a fair catch for him (he was accepted as good-looking).  I used to think I 'let him down' but looking at photos of me years ago, I realise I looked OK, quite fanciable in fact.  It might have suited him to let me think I was not up to standard.  Would I have believed anyone.  I did get more confidence as I got older, but it's been a hard-won battle.  

P.S.  I wish I looked like the girl in the photos now, but I'm still OK for my age - and one learns to be grateful for being whole and compos mentes.

[flaming]

I thought after about the post by katejess44 - there is that element, defence mechanism, and I came from a time where it wasn't considered 'right' to give others the impression that one thought one's self to be great, otherwise they might think 'she thinks a lot of herself'.

That and some name-calling at school because my teeth stuck out a bit. I had them fixed later, but the scars are always there.  I should have seen a shrink!

[smudge]

*Glad to see you're taking a leaf out of my book littleoldme! (:o)

[3Styler]

just to clarify i wasnt having a go at people with low self esteem because their reasons fro low self esteem are their own.  but what i am against is the people who do it for attention, and as a self-defence mechanism but for no real reason. as in they feel they have to put themselves down to feel secure but this is usually just so unnecessary for them and so how do you react to someone who follows this behaviour. like andy says u could just ignore it but is there anything u could say in return?

[Ouisch]

If the person is obviously doing it to attract attention, or fish for compliments (such as "oh, it doesn't matter what I eat, I just can't seem to gain any weight"), I've found a retort my friend's mom uses to be helpful - look them in the eye and ask "are you bragging or complaining?"

[flaming]

Well, I was told by somone from the north, but only in recent years, so it was a bit late. But since I've been on me own and one sees a bit of a glint now and again that I feel I am not so bad after all - even at this late stage.  He (a friend only) came right out with it... 'You shouldn't put yourself down...'  I hadn't realized I was doing so but I suppose we get into habits of speech, good or bad.  The friend was from the north and they perhaps are a bit more direct?  You will have to do that if you want to do anything at all;  you could soften it, with a smile and 'I think you're OK., and I'm never  wrong.  You are good with....(whatever it is..) and (.....if there are two things).'

[airbolt]

I think that a lot of people are genuinely fearful of a negative response . One way is to " Lower the Bar " of expectation by a self - deprecating remark . People will also " insult themselves " because they think it will deflect the insult they anticipate coming.

[flaming]

airbolt
 That sums it up.