It's not fair right???

[SuDFB]

I will try and keep this short...

I have been living with my inlaws for 3 years, me and my hubby got married last year :) anyways... We pay quarter of the rent and a few bills (we are trying to save for a house) where as his younger brother (only by a couple of years) doesnt pay ANYTHING...

He has a job but doesnt pay rent or bills not even bread when its running out... Won't cook or clean... won't even tidy his room URGH... His 20 years old and his mum still does everything for him (my hubby was the same when I moved in and slowly I taught how its done, although his mum won't drop it)

I have mentioned to my inlaws that my bro in law should at least pay a bit of rent, and the reply I get is ''you know how he is tight with money and that'' is that a good enough reason? Why does one son pay and the other not???

Do you think it's fair if from now on only I give some towards the rent (as I am not their daughter) and my hubby doesnt pay anything untill his brother does too???

[Ice.Maiden]

I think it's only natural to help your children out if you can. I know I'd do it for my own sons, but if life's becoming intolerable for SuDFB, then yes, I'd say try and find a room somewhere, but struggling with money can make a relationship even more fragile. At least I expect that the rent charged by mil's affordable. It just sounds to me as though there are wider issues at stake between Su and the younger brother. As I say, it's no one's business whether the mum's charging one son and not the other, because now Su's there as well.

[pastafreak]

But ice....most parents nowadays would expect any child who is earning a good salary to contribute. They are adults...and cannot use mum&dads as a free ride. I don't think SuDFB has a problem with contributing.....it is the contrast between treatment of the two brothers.

[Ice.Maiden]

Yes, I understand what you're saying, but Su didn't say that the younger brother has a good job - just that he's working. No one knows if he has debts to pay off - such as student ones - or whatever, and as I said before, perhaps her eldest son's not really paying anything for himself either - just Su, being as though she's been invited into the home until they can afford a place of their own.
I see that she's just replied and they're going to stay where they are for a bit. I really think that's the best bet. At least if the worst came to the worst and they couldn't pay their way for any reason, I doubt they'd be thrown out on their ears as'd happen if they were renting their own place and something happened that they couldn't keep up with the rent. There's also Council Tax to consider, and all the other bills. Despite the younger brother not contributing, they've got the chance to save for their own place atm, and the sooner they get it, the better. It doesn't seen fair, but like I say, we don't know the full circumstances.

[pinktwink]

i dont think it is healthy for married adult children to live with thier parents. At the end of the day it can confuse roles and boundaries. Married life is about a couple setting their own limits and boundaries to a relationship and developing their own roles, this becomes blurred when they live with a parent. it seems the MIL will struggle more when you move out the longer you are there and may put up obstacles. Its a high price to pay to save money

[Ice.Maiden]

Well yes, there is that pink, but if my sons were at an age where they were married or living with a partner, and were finding it tough, I wouldn't hesitate to do the same thing as Su's mil's done - tell them to stay with us until they could afford to be independent. From a mother's point of view, I'd rather see my children breathe a sigh of relief, than watch them struggle on their own and possibly split up due to money worries. Once they ARE standing on their own two feet, they'll soon realise how hard it is, but at least by then, they should have a better start than if they'd moved out now.

[MWB]

I agree with pasta, pink & Icey.

But it is such a shame the MIL emotionally blackmails. If it weren't for that the living arrangements would be much more relaxed & pleasant.