What is a friend?

[Eastender]

Hi, I have just lost my Dad to cancer.  I understand the grieving process, but the question is, I have or shall I say had, a good friend, as a matter of fact our children grew up together.  My friend was divorced for years, then when the children grew up, he came back on the scene and moved back in with her.  Due to this or friendship became, seeing less and less of each other, perhaps the occansional telephone call, or usually me, dropping in for a coffee.  When I telephoned her last week, I told her I lost my dad, and really felt as I needed to talk to someone, other then family, who I must say have been very supportive.  Although we were talking on the telephone, she then said she could not come down, as she was going out.  Ok she may have been going out, but since then she has not even telephoned me, to see how things are.  I feel very hurt and angry, as I have always been there for her, at a drop of a hat, whatever the situation, and there have been many.  I Know I would never do anything like that to anyone, I would be there.  I know there is never the right thing to do, or say in these situations.  But my question is, shall I end this friendship, I feel really hurt.  Would'nt you ? thanks

[blueeyedlass]

firstly my condolances im very sorry to hear of your lose.secondly i feel that your friend has probably treated you rather badly at your time of need but perhaps she is just unsure of how to talk to you for fear of saying the wrong thing and causing you more upset.although as a true friend i feel that she should be there to support you. please take care.

[kazza12345]

perhaps she has just lost her dad too, and didnt know how to cope?

when someone has died, a lot of friends back off simply because they dont know what to say

[Hermia]

Sorry about your loss. I'm afraid your friend's behaviour is not uncommon. My father died when I was 22. I lost one lot of friends when I announced he was terminally ill and another lot when he died. Some stayed in contact, but said, "aren't you over it yet?" two weeks after the funeral. What I did was just get on with the support of my family. When I got to a point when I was over the worst I contacted a few friends to see what they said. Some were clearly embarrassed by their behaviour and were keen to make amends. Others were just too wrapped up in their own lives and didn't want to hear about mine. So, they got chucked. Basically, give it a few weeks and then maybe approach your friend in a neutral manner and see how she reacts.

[Hippy]

At this time, when you need to grieve, be aware that your emotional state is not a good basis for sound decisions. Put things off until later, and certainly do not close doors just now. See your friend's actions as bewildering rather than an insult.

A close male friend was with me when my mother died and after concluding the "business" at the hospital we walked out of the main doors. As I emerged into the daylight I suddenly realised that I was "on my own" and felt really abandoned. What did my friend suggest we do? To go some place for anonymous sex with strangers! I just couldn't believe how unhelpful and weird his suggestion was. Needless to say that is not what I did, and I later explored this with him. It seemed that he was at a total loss as to know what to do or suggest but was compelled to suggest something, anything, other than the nothing that he thought I would see as unfeeling and hurtful.

We are strange, somtimes in how we react to each other. Make allowanaces.

[artee]

I understand your hurt over the way your friend has treated you, and I am so sorry for your loss.
A true friend is there for you in all sorts of weather, but I'm afraid not everybody can be everything towards others. Even if she didn't know what to say she could have been with you to hold your hand.
Having said that I feel that you could regret cutting her off while you are in an upset state. Why not wait a while and see what happens. You may find that the friendship will die a natural death as time goes by, or maybe there IS something major going on in her life that you will find out later.  You would feel really bad if that is the case and you would be adding to your grief.

[Furner]

I have been in similar situations were I just needed a friend to be there. I firmly believe that true friends will always be there for you regardless, however people do move on in life and other things become more important to them, ie a new partner or new job, it is possible that they feel content with their life and dont feel the need for such a close friendship, however the time will come when they will need a good friend to just be there and whether you are there is down to you but me personally I would distance myself and rethink the freindship. My sincere sympathy for you loss..and good luck with this situation.

[smudge]

I can't really add much more than the other posts, but wanted to offer you my condolences, sympathy & love.

I lost my Mum & Dad within 20 months of each other & although I had family & friends around me, I'd never felt so empy & alone.

I do hope you will be able to rekindle the friendship, but if not, then it isn't meant to be. I'm sure in time you'll strike up another friendship with someone you'll feel comfortable & more at ease with. Chin up & hugs to you! -x-

[Hedkandi]

Hi there,
Firstly, I am sorry to hear of your loss.
Secondly, completely agree with what everyone has said here - I think its probably not the best time to make decisions about washing your hands of your friend. I do agree that she should be a bit more supportive of you at a time like this, but sometimes people don't know what to say to each other, and i think this could be the case with your friend. Give it a few weeks and see how she acts with you. To be honest, I think you have enough on your plate at the moment to be dealing with her if she's going to be acting like that, but keep it at the back of your mind for now. Do you have any other friends you could rely on more?
Take care.

[justineo]

Hi Eastender

Hope you're OK

My best friend and I were in the same situation a couple of years ago. Her Dad died at 59.  We were very close friends and confided in each other about everything, but I could never really appreciate how she felt when he died. It's such a personal experience. When I tried to phone her she would sometimes be too upset to speak so I told her to phone me whenever she felt like talking.  So, perhaps your friend doesn't know how to react in this situation. you could phone her and give her another chance. 

[Eastender]

Thank you for all your Kind answers.  I will leave it for now, and see how the situation go's.  thanks

[divine]

I  can understand where ur coming from here! I lost my mum to cancer and my best mate acted the same as ur mate. Yet been there for her through all her troubled times. My advice to u would be to end the freiendship, and for as long as u need someone to chat to go to ur family. After all they understand what ur going through. My friend hasnt even lost her gran or grandpa so she hasnt a clue about grieving for anyone really close. I dont bother to get in touch any more, but will say hello if I pass her on the street. it really isnt worth getting upset about any more. Hope things work out for u and grieving for ur dad will get better with time. Take care