jokes please

[sunflower68]

I need some quick one-liners.  Anything easy to remember is good as I have a bad memory.  It helps if they are funny too!

[natalie_1982]

Why do girls wear make up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they smell.

[natalie_1982]

What do you call a Chav n a white tracksuit?

The bride

[jno]

I'm in great shape! Round is a shape!

(won't work if you're skinny. Instead, try: I'm in great shape, every artery's hard as a rock!)

[acw]

If jno's first suggestion works for you, and you get heckled then this is a great put down:  oh - you have to be a guy too!

Heckler:  Shut up you fat so-and-so

Comedian:  I'm only a fat so-and-so cos every time I sleep with your Mum she gives me a pie.

 

Other amusing one-liners:

Q: 3 chavs in a car, no music playing, who's driving?

A: The police

 

Q: How do you get 28 chavs into a phone box?

A: Paint 3 stripes down the side.

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/t/tommy_cooper.html Tommy Cooper jokes always go down well.  If you can pull it off!  Which I'm sure you can! :-)

[natalie_1982]

ACW did you get the same email as me?

...... a nova seats 4?

[WaldoMcFroog]

Those Tommy Cooper jokes are nothing of the sort. They're by Tim Vine but have been circulating under Cooper's name for an age. Presumably someone thought lying about the author would make them funnier... or something... Anyway, top jokes by a top comic!

http://www.thehumorarchives.com/humor/0000716.htmlhttp://www.thehumorarchives.com/humor/0000716.html

[WaldoMcFroog]

Sorry - slight correction. I can't *guarantee* all of them are TV's, but a lot of them definitely are.

[littleoldme]

Others by Cooper/Vine/someone:

I bought some HP sauce yesterday...2p a week for the next six months.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my dad...not screaming in terror like his passengers.

[Robinia]

What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind as it hits your windscreen?

It's bum!

[Robinia]

You know you're spending too much time on the computer when you start tilting your head on one side to smile!  :-)

[landie]

I walked into a chippie the other day and asked for fish and chips twice. The assistant said, 'I heard you the first time'.

[VINNY100_2]

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine'( :)two Fat blokes sitting in a pub,one said to the other "Your round"the other one said, you cheeky Bar****d.( :).

[VINNY100_2]

Blonde goes into B&Q and buys a new bath,A couple of days later she goes back to complain,Hey there's water leaking everywhere!did you buy a plug madam!You Sod, you didnt tell me it was Electric!!

[Jansy]

Why do farts smell?

For the benefit of the deaf.

[sddsddean]

If girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice, why do they taste of anchovies?

[RogK]

What do you call a Dutchman with 12 A-Levels?

Clever Clogs

[SteveD]

Two cows standing in a field.  First cow, "Moo".  Second cow, "You *******!  I was going to say that".

 

 

"They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.  Well, they're not laughing now!" (Bob Monkhouse)

[gingerflaps]

did u hear about the dyslexic pimp..... he opened a warehouse  (bum,bum)

[oldnick]

Q  Why did God create the orgasm

A  So women could have a good moan even when they were happy